Don’t live with What if’s

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Forgive, but don’t forget, I’ve learned that expectations lead to disappointments you put so much trust in someone that you forget they’re human too. Then you categorize them as a monster with a familiar face does one mistake overrules
moments that define pure euphoria you held their hand
and danced together to your favourite music but you kept looking in the rearview mirror
you kept revisiting chapters what you didn’t realize was that forgiveness correlates with healing.

Healing isn’t linear the pain you’re suffering from is temporary help yourself out the blurry fog and coherently come to the realization that people make mistakes
and forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

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Being Single Isn’t Easy?!?

That’s What They Say?

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How often do we hear people say ‘ Being single sucks’? How often do we hear single people say ‘being single sucks’?

Being single isn’t easy. Not easy at all.

I mean, in the middle of the night you just want to have a random conversation with someone. You have no one.

You have no one to tell your little achievements and failures of the day.

You have no shoulder to cry on.

You are hungry, and nobody to get you food or cook for you.Nobody to make you keep you warm in the cold night. Nobody to buy you little gifts. Nobody to celebrate with.

They will tell you hundred times to find someone, to come out of your solitude. They will pity you when you will make a joke of yourself saying I have no one to talk to. They will make you want someone more than you actually need.

But what they won’t tell you this…

When in the middle of the night you have no one to talk to. Think. There will always be one person to hear you, to make you feel okay. Love that person.

You have no one to share your little achievements and failures. Well, the celebration of your achievement is all yours. Love yourself.

When nobody is there to buy you food. Maybe, you will learn to cook. When nobody is there to drive you to a place. You will learn to handle the transit system or maybe just buy a cheap hoopdee to get you to point A to B. You will have no one to warm you up, buy yourself a new lovely jacket and get over it. You will become strong.

When your T.V. won’t work or your power goes off, you will have nobody to call. Maybe, you will learn to troubleshoot the T.V. yourself and handle the slight power cuts. Know your worth.

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Nobody there to go on a date, maybe you will invest this time in doing something for yourself. All the time you have been wasting in the long conversations, maybe you will learn something new. Take yourself out on an awesome date! Every experience will count.

You will cry, thinking you have no one to make love to, no one to rely on. But, cry once, louder and longer. But then, become strong.

You have no one to pamper. Pamper yourself! Maybe, you will learn to act like a grown-up and take your responsibility yourself. Don’t be a spoilsport for all your life.

There is no one do men’s job (take the garbage out or kill that spider in the bathtub) in your life. Maybe, you will learn that this is what equality is all about. What people are fighting for, you are having it in peace. Value that.

Nobody will drop you and pick you up from your place. Maybe, you will learn that’s what independence all about. Be Brave.

Nobody will tell you how pretty you look today. Well, nobody will either tell you that your lipstick is too dark, or your eyeliner is too thick, or your skirt is too short. You will have a chance to be yourself. So, be yourself.

Nobody there to make love to you, well, there are ten people waiting right there to do it in 10 different ways. Please yourself!

Nobody will make you cry for no reason, judge you for your opinions, no one will tell you to eat less, eat more, eat slow, join a gym, wear this, no don’t wear that, change your dress, keep your lipstick light, grow your hair long, don’t cut your hair, don’t talk so much, talk slow, don’t talk to them, talk to them, don’t go there, don’t be so open, act your age, have fun, be mature and blah blah blah.

Will you not value the time when you can accept yourself, just the way you are? Can you bring out what you actually are, without caring for the opinion?

Maybe, you will be glad to find the true you. Only if you make it about you.

Maybe.Just maybe. Only if you realize being single means everything in life is about you. Will you underestimate yourself?

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Being single isn’t easy, but it is being strong. And, once you become strong, being single is super easy.

Poison of Disengagement

This is not about the typical relationships, but this could be for family (parents, children) Friends and even Co-Workers.. anyone who is in a day in/day out, the connection with another human being, That’s a partner.

When one partner in the relationship begins to disengage…. this is the warning sign of impending doom. Beyond the worst argument, the most hurtful betrayal, the cruelest words — disengagement is the death knell for any relationship.

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Disengagement is simply the loss of willingness to invest time, energy, and emotion into the relationship. It is flat-lining, going belly up without caring enough to put up a fight, much less to put in the work needed to keep the relationship alive and thriving. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears—the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie, affair or just neglect is that we can’t point to the source of our pain—there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness.

You are bound but unraveling at the same time. It only takes one person to disengage from the poison to spread and infect the relationship. Eventually, the person trying to engage and seeking engagement from the other will give up. Sometimes this is exactly what the disengager wants. They are passively trying to end the relationship. Other times they are blind to the havoc they are creating and only wake up when their loved gives them a wake-up call or walks away.

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Insidious Disconnect…..A Feeling or a Thought??

I dig deeper to reveal the casket of love
Stuck in the zone craving to be alone
The stemming crux of innate awareness
Your shadow lurks with a case of questions
The self in I prided and ever lost in within
Disconnected and absorbed in abstraction
Destruction of isolation, emotionally disengaged
Embedded in an inner world, the blurred adventure
A venture of wicked and buzzing illusions
Insidious poison that permeates high and below
Pushing the tide of disengagement to engage
As the water rocks the boat, I run far and faster
Trading my heart for my mind, the meteor drops
Yet my tarot don’t thrill for connection or recognition
Letting you lay on the bed of nails, itching for an insight
The objectivity of commitment scares, spared don’t stare
I can’t give it all, I can’t feel, I am a numb shell

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Comparison is the thief of joy

 

Comparison-is-the-Thief-of-Joy.

This was originally going to be a comparison blog.

I had it all lined up…I mean, I have been in Denver for 5 months now and there is a lot that I can compare from my old life to my new life.

 

And I am not just talking about the big stuff here! I am talking about small things like how the yogurt tastes different and how crazy the weather  is here ( sunny, rainy and snow all in matter of hours!)  and how the men are COMPLETELY different. No jokes, whole other ball game (Excuse the pun) when it comes to men around these parts.

I had my data, my lists, my little notes. I had everything ready to write this massive blog entry about how different things are here.

Then today it hit me…why the hell would I want to compare the two? Why would I want to point out the good and the bad of either state/way of life? Fact of the matter is: I made the decision to move and I’ve made some mistakes with work, people here in Vegas. I made the decision to go and start new job/life again and  where majority (if not everything) is bound to be different. What is the use of me making lists and looking back and remembering how my life was, when the whole point of this move was for a different life?

Look…I am not going to sugar coat anything. This is tough. Starting over is not easy. Adapting to a completely new way of life is hard and confusing and frustrating…and it has only been 5 MONTHS! I am supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase of this relationship with Las Vegas! But it’s been almost 5 years since I moved back there and I still feel like it was the worse thing I’ve ever done in my life! Everything is supposed to be all shiny and new and exciting. Which it isn’t. But it is also daunting and scary and overwhelming and if I think too far ahead I want to bury my head under a blanket, click my heels together 3 times and wish for some magical creature to whisk me back to my old life.

 

Everything I do now, is for the first time. I have to make friends again…me! The woman with permanent Resting Bitch Face syndrome. The woman who finds it near impossible to let new people into her life, now has to open up and let people in. It goes against everything within me.

I am Sunshine Sally all friendly and bubbly and welcoming. Which, by the way, people in ( Las Vegas) are NOT!. They are genuinely rude. RUDE! My current capacity to deal with rude is almost at its limit. I am not used to rude. It physically hurts me not to smile and it is emotionally uncomfortable for me to interact with so many people simultaneously who are rude, fake and out for themselves and would steal a dollar from you .

This is making me out to sound like a complete asshole. I really am a nice person. I am just not used to everyone around me being like that as well. I am used to the occasional friendly smile and chit-chat…Vegas is a place where people run to, from their problems,the law and god knows what else but the populace is shady, sneaky and you feel uneasy.

The Big Move to DENVER…

To say that I am out of my comfort zone is a gross understatement.

Am I getting things done? Yes.

Am I working toward improvement? Yes.

Am I completely freaked out? YES!

Am I excited about this challenge? Absolutely!

There really isn’t one word to describe how I feel. It feels as if someone has injected me with both adrenaline and anesthetics. I have moments where I am full speed ahead, rearing to go, completely invincible…and then something small will happen and I feel completely paralyzed. Like I have been stopped dead in my tracks and I don’t know why.

I know people will say everywhere has its good and bad apples and I get that but from the long standing residents have even said there is really good things about this place.

 

I think the key to handling this whole situation is this:

  • Stop making comparisons.
  • Start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
  • Smile. Just smile and wave.
  • Stop planning ahead and live in the moment.

I have faced many situations in the past that I never thought I would ever get through…and I did.

This is just another situation and if I embrace it 100% for what it is…then I will get through it.

 

I want this life. I deserve this life.

The Plan…

What I thought was going to happen when I moved to Denver, compared to what has actually happened is probably the biggest brain fart I have ever had.

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Meaning: I could not have been more wrong!

 

First, let me put it out there: Moving is easy. Packing up your life, having all your things stolen, doing all the administrative type of things, saying good-bye and getting on a plane: Piece of cake.

NOT!!!

Actually living in another state and trying to find your feet: Not so much.

No one wants to hear this, and no one says it because of some stupid “code” or pride or whatever…but it is HARD trying to build a new life in a new City or state. It is an emotional roller-coaster that does not slow down or stop. It just keeps twisting and turning and hurtling along and all you can do is hold on and not puke.

When I landed here, I had it all planned out. I was going to spend 2 weeks getting over the hell I went through, relax a bit, help out with my friends Jodi/Miles, David, Tina, and Maria, spend some quality time with myself, convince Rommey to move ASAP and basically just come to terms with the fact that there is no return flight and that this was not a holiday.

Then, I got on the plane with my pupper, Spike and we flew into Denver and everything would just fall into place.

I would find a job, doesn’t really matter where, because I have skills and I don’t do drugs that is apparently very much needed in these parts.

I would then find a nice place to stay and decorate it with the few items I brought with me and create a home for myself.

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Then I planned on joining a gym, get my body back into shape, find a tanning salon, make some new friends and who knows, maybe even meet a nice guy…

Everything was supposed to fall into place. Because that is how I planned it. That is how I saw it happen in my head. The Plan was the only thing keeping me from completely freaking out. I needed The Plan to work.

 

The Plan did not work. Parts of it did, but the majority did not.

Thing is…I have been on my own and independent for a very long time. I have lived on my own, had my own car, paid my own bills, lived my own life on my own terms for years now. I hate having to rely on other people for help.

I hate having to depend on other people for anything.

I hate that I cannot financially support myself.

I hate not being able to work.

I hate not having my own house.

I hate not having my own car.

I hate feeling like I am completely useless.

Currently, I have applied for basically all the jobs in Denver. All of them. Because I WANT to work. I like working! I know that is a weird thing to say, but I really do like working. I have not worked for 3 months now and I am beginning to get on my own nerves now. Doing yoga helps a lot with that as I can work out my frustrations and playing tourist just to get me out of the house and speak to people.

But it is not enough. Look, I love my friends and I appreciate it so much that they are supporting me in every way possible…but I don’t want to be a burden on them. I don’t want them to begin resenting me and thinking that I am not making a conscious effort to get a job and move out and start providing for myself again.

I don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want to disappoint me.

I have actually reached a point where I am terrified of opening my emails because of all the rejection emails from jobs that I have applied for. Jobs that, with my qualifications and my experience, I should be getting interviews for. Yet…I either hear nothing, or I immediately get an email saying that my application was rejected due to the high volume of applications received.

 

Being unemployed does not work for me. I feel utterly useless and pathetic. My brain needs to be stimulated! My brain needs to work! I NEED to work!

 

So in an attempt to approach this whole working thing from a different angle, I have decided to stop and wait for the career, not just a job.

UpDate…..

I’m now gainfully employed with a financial institution. I’m not starting at an entry level and I have opportunities and room for advancement,  but I am hoping that this career will give me when is all done and the freedom to grow my career and have my life up and running that will get some peace of mind and give me financial relief and will help me get my name out there for future opportunities.

 

As vain as this sounds, and if you know me you know that I am probably the least vain person out there, but… I am good at what I do. I am an excellent manager and my background in finance, has helped me with my career choice. I know how to speak to people and I truly care about what I’m doing is the right thing. My ethics for myself and my career and the company I work for is very important to me. I know how to work with people, especially in helping them get their lives, goals off the ground.

I did not come here to be a failure. I came here for a better life. I came here to start over…best-photo-manipulation-tutorials-1

Everyone keeps telling me that I must just be patient, that things will happen when they are meant to happen and that I must just relax… Well, you know what? I can’t relax. I can’t sit around and wait for this proverbial “it will happen when it is meant to happen” crap. I have put myself out there in every way possible. Hell, I even thought that Tinder would edge things along a little bit… BIG mistake. If anything, Tinder just made me even more despondent on the finding a partner front.

I know that my friends and family will support me in anything that I do. I know that I will have a roof over my head for as long as I need it…and for that I am eternally thankful.

What I do want though…is a little bit of my independence back.

I left everything behind. I came here with practically nothing. I want to start building my life back up again…because quite frankly, from where I am sitting now, I am humiliated. I mean, I am the girl that kicked many manipulative, cheating assholes, I’m the woman that went through being assaulted  by 3 unknown assailants,  got through being in the hospital on and off  for 4 weeks, due to my injuries and basically had to learn to walk outside again, I’m the woman that has been dealt blow after blow and still I fight on.

I don’t  compare or cry and make other people feel sorry for me, bad things happen to good people…Don’t let it use you as a crutch but take your pain and wear it as your light because you have walked through many days and nights in darkness.

 

All I need is that one break. That one crack that will let even just one beam of light through.

 

I did not give up everything to end up with nothing. Things may not be going according to The Plan…but then again when has anything in my life gone according to plan?

 

Time for those big girl panties and a good helping of: “Fake it till you make it!

 

Something Sensible

Let’s talk about…lifeeye-makeup2

Yes, life. I seem to be getting a bit lax with the whole blogging thing, I blame this on my hectic schedule at the moment. Ag, who am I kidding! I’m just lazy and procrastinate when it comes to writing. The thing is, I realize that I have a lot to say, but what I have to say will probably be offensive to a lot of people and most certainly will be a bit too honest for most. But that’s me. I speak way too much, say way too much and more often than not I say things that people know but don’t want to hear. A lot of my friends have said that I carry my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I do. But I would rather do that than carry my heart in a safe, behind lock and key with 24hour FBI on the lookout for anyone that may or may not hurt me. I would rather be hurt a million times than not allow myself to feel anything. It’s like, I would rather fall hard than never fall at all. I’m like that though, I love extremes. It’s either one way or the other with me. There is no gray area, no middle ground, and no maybe-space. It’s either this or that and nothing in between.

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This is probably why I am still single. I’m not prepared to settle for something that isn’t 100% what I want just because I’m feeling a tad lonely or would like to have someone to spend Sunday afternoons with. And this is also probably why I work so hard. I would rather go to the gym, nearly kill myself and crawl out than waste my time pottering here and there and actually just being there for the sake of being seen. Don’t you think lots of people do that? They do things simply for the sake of being seen.

Like a lot of church going people that I know. There they are, Sunday evenings in the church. Hands raised in celebration, right in the front. They do all the charity work, go to all the events and are more at the church than at their own homes. Sounds like the perfect Christian, jew or Catholic right? Not at all. If you look closely at some of these people you can see how, when their arms are raised, they make sure everyone can see them. And you can tell, by the way, that they act, that this is just for show. They want people to see how “fantastic” they are. I’m sorry, but doesn’t that seem wrong to you? I go to church and I read my bible and I love the G%D, but I am not going to be made to feel inferior just because I’m not a showy religious nut. What I say and do, are actually the same. My life is my ministry. I don’t need everyone to see how great I am. Because what people think of me, really doesn’t matter. I could not give a flying fart in space what you think. And I am sure as hell not going to be front and center in church/temple when I know that the night before I went on a real bender and made out with half of the San Diego Football team. Yes, I have my faults and I have screwed up in the past and I probably will still screw up, but at least I’m not pretending. What you see with me, is what I am. I am that woman who likes to train like the big boys, I like rock music, not so much into rap or country, telling stupid jokes. I am me. I’m not too sure what exactly that means, but I know that I am not going to pretend to be anyone else just so that you would like me. If you don’t like me, well then good for you. You have an opinion and I respect that.

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We have all forgotten how to respect people. How to respect situations and boundaries and life. I think that is the problem. We have all lost respect for ourselves. Is it not true, that if you truly valued yourself and who you are, that you would not let people treat you the way that they do? I know I wouldn’t have. I have let people treat me like dirt, just because I thought I wasn’t worth anything more. Now, I’m sorry, but now there is no murky water where that is concerned. If you want to get to know me for me, then please do. But if you want to get to know me for what I can offer you then move along.

I am nobodies’ second choice, rebound, back-up plan, last resort, plaything or booty call. I refuse to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I deserve. I have high standards, I know I do, but I would rather have high standards than no standards. I am not that girl that is going to be happy with friends with benefits or an open relationship because I am not going to spend my time on someone that wastes mine.

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This is a rant, and I know it. I wasn’t going to rant, but rant I did. I guess it’s the culmination of everything really. I so badly want just one guy to prove to me that they aren’t all the same. The rose-colored glasses are off, and what I see…well, it ain’t that impressive or pretty. Guys: BE MEN! Please, I am begging you on behalf of all womankind. Stop believing that you are not good enough. Stop believing that you need to be this mean, lying ass player to get anywhere in life. Stop acting like a douche bag because you think it’s cool. It’s not. It’s stupid and I can see straight through it. Have followed through and stop being afraid. I see so many boys, afraid to be men.

I wish I could sit down each and every man in my life and tell them that they are capable of being great. I wish I could tell them all that they shouldn’t be afraid and that they should embrace the roles given to them. I wish I could tell them that I don’t want to be disappointed in them anymore. I wish they could step up so that I don’t have to take that step. I was made a woman, equal in different ways. I don’t want to be a man or have a man’s role in life. I have said it before, but I want to say it again. I have faith that there is a generation of men, waiting to take back their roles in society.

Give me one of those men. Give me a man, not afraid of being a man. Give me a man that can be a role model, a husband, a father and a friend. I want one of those, and I believe with all my hear he is out there. I really just don’t want him to be hiding away because he thinks he isn’t good enough.

Please hear me now: you are good enough.

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Broken pieces of yesterday

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Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.

Recognizing that I don’t let go of anything easily hasn’t yet helped me in my quest to move on from or with anything.  Although I’ve realized a major failing of mine is holding on to the past, I haven’t yet managed to master the art of letting go.

The thing is, this dream that I’m having to let go of now had seemed to be the answer to all my prayers.  It held the promise of so much that I’ve hoped for, so much that I’ve longed for and waited for in life.  It wasn’t without complications, in fact, it had more than its fair share … but it was worth it.  I felt sure it was worth it.  Nothing worth having comes easily I’d tell myself, and consequently, I’d invested into it heavily.  Over the past four years I invested so much of myself and my life into it, believing against all the odds that it could become real, but instead the dream I’d been holding onto for so long began to fall apart, bit by bit, month by month, until finally it just shattered into a thousand pieces.

I don’t feel ready to just drop my dream and move on.  I don’t feel able to just let the pieces go.  Somehow I keep feeling a need to piece it back together, to see where it began to break, to work out if it ever could have been more than just a dream, to work out if it ever really was something I should have believed could be real.  I beat myself up relentlessly for my part in the fault lines that led to the breaks, and I cry relentlessly over all the fault lines that caused me pain and sorrow as the dream was falling apart.

None of this is worthwhile though.  None of this will change what’s happened.  None of this will take away the pain and sadness and heartache.  None of this will actually rebuild my shattered dream.  All I’m doing by holding on to the broken pieces is prolonging my pain and sorrow.

I can’t change the things I said, I can’t alter the way I reacted to the hurt inflicted on me.  I can’t put right my wrongs or change the way I was made to suffer.  It’s all history now.  It’s all gone and there’s no way to go back and re-live anything differently.  Until I accept that, until I can let it all go, I know there’s no way forward for me.

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In the words of Steve Maraboli (Unapologetically You: Reflections on life and the human experience) “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future … The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward”.