Something Sensible

Let’s talk about…lifeeye-makeup2

Yes, life. I seem to be getting a bit lax with the whole blogging thing, I blame this on my hectic schedule at the moment. Ag, who am I kidding! I’m just lazy and procrastinate when it comes to writing. The thing is, I realize that I have a lot to say, but what I have to say will probably be offensive to a lot of people and most certainly will be a bit too honest for most. But that’s me. I speak way too much, say way too much and more often than not I say things that people know but don’t want to hear. A lot of my friends have said that I carry my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I do. But I would rather do that than carry my heart in a safe, behind lock and key with 24hour FBI on the lookout for anyone that may or may not hurt me. I would rather be hurt a million times than not allow myself to feel anything. It’s like, I would rather fall hard than never fall at all. I’m like that though, I love extremes. It’s either one way or the other with me. There is no gray area, no middle ground, and no maybe-space. It’s either this or that and nothing in between.

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This is probably why I am still single. I’m not prepared to settle for something that isn’t 100% what I want just because I’m feeling a tad lonely or would like to have someone to spend Sunday afternoons with. And this is also probably why I work so hard. I would rather go to the gym, nearly kill myself and crawl out than waste my time pottering here and there and actually just being there for the sake of being seen. Don’t you think lots of people do that? They do things simply for the sake of being seen.

Like a lot of church going people that I know. There they are, Sunday evenings in the church. Hands raised in celebration, right in the front. They do all the charity work, go to all the events and are more at the church than at their own homes. Sounds like the perfect Christian, jew or Catholic right? Not at all. If you look closely at some of these people you can see how, when their arms are raised, they make sure everyone can see them. And you can tell, by the way, that they act, that this is just for show. They want people to see how “fantastic” they are. I’m sorry, but doesn’t that seem wrong to you? I go to church and I read my bible and I love the G%D, but I am not going to be made to feel inferior just because I’m not a showy religious nut. What I say and do, are actually the same. My life is my ministry. I don’t need everyone to see how great I am. Because what people think of me, really doesn’t matter. I could not give a flying fart in space what you think. And I am sure as hell not going to be front and center in church/temple when I know that the night before I went on a real bender and made out with half of the San Diego Football team. Yes, I have my faults and I have screwed up in the past and I probably will still screw up, but at least I’m not pretending. What you see with me, is what I am. I am that woman who likes to train like the big boys, I like rock music, not so much into rap or country, telling stupid jokes. I am me. I’m not too sure what exactly that means, but I know that I am not going to pretend to be anyone else just so that you would like me. If you don’t like me, well then good for you. You have an opinion and I respect that.

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We have all forgotten how to respect people. How to respect situations and boundaries and life. I think that is the problem. We have all lost respect for ourselves. Is it not true, that if you truly valued yourself and who you are, that you would not let people treat you the way that they do? I know I wouldn’t have. I have let people treat me like dirt, just because I thought I wasn’t worth anything more. Now, I’m sorry, but now there is no murky water where that is concerned. If you want to get to know me for me, then please do. But if you want to get to know me for what I can offer you then move along.

I am nobodies’ second choice, rebound, back-up plan, last resort, plaything or booty call. I refuse to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I deserve. I have high standards, I know I do, but I would rather have high standards than no standards. I am not that girl that is going to be happy with friends with benefits or an open relationship because I am not going to spend my time on someone that wastes mine.

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This is a rant, and I know it. I wasn’t going to rant, but rant I did. I guess it’s the culmination of everything really. I so badly want just one guy to prove to me that they aren’t all the same. The rose-colored glasses are off, and what I see…well, it ain’t that impressive or pretty. Guys: BE MEN! Please, I am begging you on behalf of all womankind. Stop believing that you are not good enough. Stop believing that you need to be this mean, lying ass player to get anywhere in life. Stop acting like a douche bag because you think it’s cool. It’s not. It’s stupid and I can see straight through it. Have followed through and stop being afraid. I see so many boys, afraid to be men.

I wish I could sit down each and every man in my life and tell them that they are capable of being great. I wish I could tell them all that they shouldn’t be afraid and that they should embrace the roles given to them. I wish I could tell them that I don’t want to be disappointed in them anymore. I wish they could step up so that I don’t have to take that step. I was made a woman, equal in different ways. I don’t want to be a man or have a man’s role in life. I have said it before, but I want to say it again. I have faith that there is a generation of men, waiting to take back their roles in society.

Give me one of those men. Give me a man, not afraid of being a man. Give me a man that can be a role model, a husband, a father and a friend. I want one of those, and I believe with all my hear he is out there. I really just don’t want him to be hiding away because he thinks he isn’t good enough.

Please hear me now: you are good enough.

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Broken pieces of yesterday

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Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.

Recognizing that I don’t let go of anything easily hasn’t yet helped me in my quest to move on from or with anything.  Although I’ve realized a major failing of mine is holding on to the past, I haven’t yet managed to master the art of letting go.

The thing is, this dream that I’m having to let go of now had seemed to be the answer to all my prayers.  It held the promise of so much that I’ve hoped for, so much that I’ve longed for and waited for in life.  It wasn’t without complications, in fact, it had more than its fair share … but it was worth it.  I felt sure it was worth it.  Nothing worth having comes easily I’d tell myself, and consequently, I’d invested into it heavily.  Over the past four years I invested so much of myself and my life into it, believing against all the odds that it could become real, but instead the dream I’d been holding onto for so long began to fall apart, bit by bit, month by month, until finally it just shattered into a thousand pieces.

I don’t feel ready to just drop my dream and move on.  I don’t feel able to just let the pieces go.  Somehow I keep feeling a need to piece it back together, to see where it began to break, to work out if it ever could have been more than just a dream, to work out if it ever really was something I should have believed could be real.  I beat myself up relentlessly for my part in the fault lines that led to the breaks, and I cry relentlessly over all the fault lines that caused me pain and sorrow as the dream was falling apart.

None of this is worthwhile though.  None of this will change what’s happened.  None of this will take away the pain and sadness and heartache.  None of this will actually rebuild my shattered dream.  All I’m doing by holding on to the broken pieces is prolonging my pain and sorrow.

I can’t change the things I said, I can’t alter the way I reacted to the hurt inflicted on me.  I can’t put right my wrongs or change the way I was made to suffer.  It’s all history now.  It’s all gone and there’s no way to go back and re-live anything differently.  Until I accept that, until I can let it all go, I know there’s no way forward for me.

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In the words of Steve Maraboli (Unapologetically You: Reflections on life and the human experience) “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future … The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward”.

Creature Of very Bad Habits

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Never ever ever would I have thought that I would be writing a post like this. I have always said that I am not a creature of habit and that I will never fall into habits or routines.

Alas, I have noticed that I am a creature of habit and that I have some very strange habits. Or rituals. Maybe I should call them rituals instead.

These are just some of the things that I have noticed that I do:

  • I never let the kettle boil properly before making my tea. I boil it halfway, pour that in, have a cup of tea (that doesn’t burn my mouth) and then I make another tea with the water that has been boiled.
  • I have to have my first coffee facing the sun
  • I bath. I was never one to bath and preferred a shower but since my assault…I am a bathing queen!
  • I have to take a sip of whatever it is I am drinking before I put it down
  • I keep water in my mouth like a baby. Before I swallow it. I have no idea how this habit developed
  • This is a weird one…I pull out my left butt cheek when I pee. Again, NO idea where this came from
  • As soon as I get home in the afternoon: Shoes off, bra off, pants off.
  • I like eating out of any container
  • I like cleaning my ears with ear buds. Daily
  • I have to put Vaseline on my lips after I have brushed my teeth
  • Before I go to sleep at night I need to play Township before I can sleep
  • I cocoon. All my pillows and blankets must be tucked around me in just the right way before I can sleep
  • I count steps. No matter where I am, I count steps
  • I wait until the last possible moment to wash dishes
  • I make a ninja sound when I yawn
  • I always sit facing the crowd when I am in a restaurant. Preferably with a wall behind me
  • I name things in my apartment. I had a cactus called Sir Reddington and a gold plated Skull called Maxwell the Third. And I did speak to them
  • When I get dressed it has to go in this order: panties, bra, pants/skirt and the top. If its a dress then its different. But panties always first
  • I always count my stairs up and down to my apartment. Its 12 and 6 in case anyone was wondering

I am sure I have very many other habits that I just haven’t listed here like singing really badly all the time and doing stupid dances all the time.

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But the thing is…we all have habits and routines that we don’t even notice. We do things that we will probably never notice that we do. I was only recently told that I ninja yawn. I had no idea!

The thing is…these are the things that make you, you. They are your quirks and oddities and “flaws”. I say embrace them!

Embrace the fact that you drink like a toddler and speak to objects in your house.

Also, have fun with it! Don’t hide it! Don’t hide you…cause you, my friend, are perfect in all your imperfect ways!

Trapped in Doors?

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Bang bang,
One after another
slamming the doors to the past,
nothing to see here,
move along people…
don’t need a long line of looky-loos to the show
the scrapings of the pieces,
yesterday…well….
I’ve gone taken the train
to better sights
then this here places.
This one here…
well, that’s a sticky one, that one…
still clinging,
not quite ready to go the distance
but I’ll come round
just wait and see…
like these mirrors, you’ll see new things
exciting and laughable things
on the other side of the show…
distorted,
ain’t seeing it all quite right…
out there living in those stars….
those shiny sparkly things…
can’t believe in ’em I say…
smoke and mirrors,
nothing there….
watch me
what I say ’cause I know
been there
done that…
nothing there and no lingering baby
so just keep on moving on,
come along and follow the rest,
they know what’s what…
smarter than the rest I always say….
wait,
where you going?
No, don’t you run away…
I know the truth…
can’t you see?
My truth will only cost you
a dollar or two…
as the song plays on…

As I slip away
knowing what I know
deeper than my senses will ever give….
space….no cost in being
no price in becoming one with the light,
the truth….
I walk away smiling
purse tucked tight…
no quarter gave slip through the next portal
for tomorrow waits….
my kind of place….
off the path of the side show barkers
bartering with their nothing
as the paint peels on yesterday
I repaint my tomorrow
pretty carousel ponies
and dreams waiting in the light of a new day.

Let’s Be Honest

Growing up, we were taught by our parents, role models, friends, favorite Romantic Novel, and even society, that when in pursuit of a suitor, we shouldn’t be ourselves. On a first date, we should make small talk and avoid major topics like politics, religion, and even exes. We were taught to not eat our entire meal, or order a salad to maintain our feminity. We were taught to laugh at the man’s jokes, even when you’ve heard them before, or they weren’t all that humorous. We were taught to be flirtatious, but not too revealing. To summarize, we were taught to hold back, and put on a front that men find “attractive” or worthy of their approval and attraction to us.

But here’s what I say… screw that. Soon enough they will open the door to the closet that holds your skeletons, and the whole facade you put on, in the beginning, is destroyed.

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In a generation where everything seems unknown, and no one knows the truth about anything, why not be honest? Why not say what comes to mind without the “impress the man” filter? Why not show all your skeletons upfront so they know what got you to where you are today? Why not talk about touchy subjects and open the table for discussion? And for the love of all things holy, we should order what we want, and eat however much of it as we want.

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I’m a believer and an advocate for the “Brutally Honest” dating method. I believe that we should say what we want to say, expose our weird laugh, tell stories that we find funny, explain our weird theories, talk about our family and where we grew up. Just create an environment where the conversation could go anywhere. Let’s create engaging conversations that expose who we are as people. Let’s talk about who we were, who we are now, and who we want to be. Talk about goals and ambitions. Talk about fears and pet peeves. Talk about your exes. Talk about mistakes you’ve made. Break the rules.

Before we get carried away… I’m not saying to show up in your sweatpants and cuss every other word. Still have class, still, have pride in yourself, and be confident.

I’m not a dating expert. I’m not happily married to the love of my life because I used this method. But,  I have opened my “potential suitors” up a lot in terms of communication. I’ve learned a lot. Some dates became meaningful relationships that taught me so much. And some dates were just first dates only, because I found out many red flags, or they found some issues with me. But you know what? That’s just fine because it saved us both time, money, and emotional investment.

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So women and men too, let’s be ourselves. Let’s show our dates, ourselves, and the world what we are made of. Let’s stop worrying so much about how we should act and what we should say on our first date, and let’s focus on who we are as people. Pay attention to who is sitting across the table. Learn what they have to offer, and learn what makes them tick. Meanwhile, show them what you have to offer. If it doesn’t work out, it’s probably for the best that it ends now. And if it works out, down the road, it’ll be the best thing in the world, because there are no secrets to be discovered, and no room for dishonesty and deceit. Let’s be honest.

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So… am I ready to date?

Catching up on the last couple of days…

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I went to therapy on Tuesday night for my bi-weekly appointment. I’ve been feeling kinda sad and overwhelmed.  She thinks that I’m ready to date again.  But before I elaborate on me being ready to date again, let me say a few things about my going to therapy.  I couldn’t write that sentence without thinking that I would be judged for admitting that I see a therapist, but I think there needs to be more awareness around mental health.  As an extrovert, sometimes I want to be in the limelight of the world but in a second it can feel like too much, and it feels like there’s too much energy being thrown at me to process.  A couple of years ago, I was brutally assaulted and started experiencing a high frequency of anxiety and depression due to the assault. I became a shut in due to my fear of that night, sounds I heard and the not rational fear of “they” will come back. I spent days in my hall closet in fear, that behavior and fear ended up hurting me.  I  suffered from extreme anxiety (especially when it came to men) and I didn’t take care of myself and lost about 45 pounds.  I don’t know how to on some days to deal with the fear,  I should be able to function but some days I just can’t  and what it’s supposed to look like if I did, but I didn’t know how to get there.  And so began the journey, with my therapist as my teacher and guide.

It’s been almost 4 years since I began therapy and at times I’m doing well then on other days I’m a train wreck.  I’ve changed a lot and have a better sense of self-confidence and love and appreciation for myself that I didn’t have before.  I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, but I’m much stronger than I was when I began.  Therapy isn’t for everyone, but for me, it really helped.  For anyone considering going, it’s worth a shot.  At least if you go once and you don’t think it’s for you, you can say you tried it.

So — about me being ready to date again.  According to Colleen and Tracy  (my therapists), they think I’m ready.  they think the recent events with my birthday last year and the “friend” I met  is an indication that I’m looking for a connection but my fears are holding me back, so I choose situations where I know I’ll be “safe” — i.e, nothing can truly happen between us and so I won’t have to deal with the messiness of a real relationship and the possible pain that can come, and I won’t have to deal with my demons that only come out when there’s a guy involved.  I’m also ready because I’m at a point where I don’t consider finding a partner to be essential to my happiness, and so I won’t put any pressure on the situation.  All accurate statements.  Anyway, I’m saying no and the thought is definitely in my head.  I don’t know when I’ll do something about it, but I’ll know when it’s right.  I’m not really going to think about it too much.

peace

The WTF Week!

As I am sitting here, about to write this post, I am like a dead man walking. I am absolutely stressed the Fuck out after this week.

This week has been a whirlwind of stress, worry, crazy, packing and unpacking a whole lot of other things that needed to be handled.

Tomorrow I start a new week as in the Jewish Calendar  adventure by moving forward and not standing in one place. This will be not first time that I will be rewriting my own path again. This is like an old friend for me and I am very excited about this new chapter in my life!

I think, with everything that had to happen this week, I kind of hit a downer. Lets say I was a little overwhelmed. Okay, a lot overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me and I had to pull myself together…fall down 7 times, get up 8…right?

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I entered this week with an idea called the Vegas has kicked my ass but I’m going to win (It did, of course) and the first WTF was Monday. I started in the morning, but then the stress kept building by the afternoon… I improved my thoughts. One. Its not that my mind gave up, its that my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. I could see in my head how I just couldn’t handle other peoples behavior, so I do what I always do, I shutdown . I could actually see myself slowly imploding but in my heart I wanted to kick certain peoples  asses but I was the one, who’s ass got kicked.

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Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it actually hurts? You want it so badly, that you would do anything to get it. That’s how I feel about this whole Vegas thing. I so badly want to be as happy and successful here as what I know I can be. But it seems like every time I make even the slightest of progress, I get pushed back 2 steps.

I am like that nerdy kid that so badly wants to be part of the cool kids, but I am actually just the kid standing on the outside looking in. I think what makes it worse is that this is something that I really love to do and I am good at it. Success does not come easy to me here in Las Vegas and it breaks down my confidence a bit. 

Sometimes it feels like I have to try so hard, for even the slightest change. Not just with work, but with most things.

Maybe I am just throwing myself a little bit of a pity party right now…actually its not a maybe its a definite! 

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SO! Enough of that! Here are some pictures. I hope they motivate you a bit on this Friday. 

I will not give up. I just need to regroup and maybe a Hug.

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Happy Friday

The Power of No

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I have this problem with saying no… I don’t know how to do it. I hate doing it when I have to and I feel incredibly guilty when I actually say it to someone.

 

See…I am one of those people who go above and beyond for the people around me. I will voluntarily go out of my way to make you happy or more comfortable and I will more than likely do things for the people around me even if it is a major pain in my ass and inconvenience.

 

I guess this stems from the fact that I feel that if I do all these things for people, that they will accept me and like me or some such ridiculous notion. What actually happens, however, is that people walk all over you and then misuse you.

Boy have I been misused… 

So now I am practicing saying no and not doing everything for everyone. It is so in my nature to care for others and to make their lives easier that I neglect my life. I can actually not remember the last time that someone went out of their way for me without me even asking. See, people don’t. They are so involved in their own lives that they don’t see yours. And it is not that people don’t care, its just that most people are very much just all about them. There are very few people who are like me and who are cursed with this stupid need to make everyone around them happy.

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I think its time this ends. I have especially felt this over the past few weeks. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I just keep saying yes and putting myself in situations where I almost always experience a loss, be it financial, time or emotional or even a combination of all!

So…if you are reading this and you feel this may be directed at you: Take note! Whether or not you are the one taking advantage of others or the one who is constantly being taken advantage of.

Just say no…….

Voices……

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I know you’re in pain. It hurts in ways you can’t even begin to describe and even if you could, no one seems to want to listen. Sure, people care and try to help… for a time… but when you don’t seem to be getting any better, after a while, they get tired of listening… Eventually it becomes easier to keep it all inside.
I know you feel like it will never get better and you’ll never be okay again. It’s been like this for so long now that you think if things were ever going to change they would have by now so this is how it’s always going to be… but it’s not. I promise it’s not. You learn cope, it just takes time and I know it feels like you’ve given it enough time already but not everyone heals at the same pace.
Tell yourself it’s okay to feel the way that you do. Nobody else on this earth has lived through your life to be in any kind of position to understand your battles. Nobody else but you has walked in your shoes to be any kind of comparison on how you should be feeling right now or whether or not you should be ‘better’. I won’t lie to you – what you’re going through will always leave its mark upon you as any trauma does – and that’s normal too. Nobody looks back on a traumatic life experience and giggles about it… But it’s this all-consuming depressive state… these overwhelming feelings you can’t control… the way those feelings isolate you and make you feel vulnerable and alone – THAT is what won’t last forever.
It DOES get better… you DO find acceptance. Not all at once – its gradual… like a stormy day or a long dark night… you don’t just blink and suddenly it’s a blue sky. Storm clouds part slowly, allowing brief flashes of sunlight at first… then eventually disappear… Dark nights end slowly as a new day begins to dawn… Acceptance is the same… and I know you have the courage to wait for it…

Hand Holding or Chains on a Soul

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After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn

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