Pursue Satisfaction!

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What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
What is that one thing that you long to do more than anything?
What does your heart yearn for?

Chances are…you aren’t doing it. Chances are you are too afraid to admit to it. Chances are…you are too scared of leaving the known and taking the leap into the unknown to pursue your passion.

I know thats what I am doing. I am hiding in my job, with the excuse that its a paycheck and it beats being homeless and hungry and I need to use my common sense because there are bills to pay, roof over my head, food in my stomach. That, and I am shit scared. I am terrified of actually taking that leap and doing what I love because I am so incredibly scared of failure that it is crippling me.

So what do I do? I tell myself that I’m not good at it anyways, so it will never work. I convince myself that I do not have what it takes to make such a massive life decision in search and pursuit of what I really want. It makes it easier then to wake up in the mornings and go to work. Every damn day. Working for the weekends. Working between my morning and evening jobs, yes, I have 2 jobs a 40 hour a week and 20-25 a week. Working towards someday maybe possibly earning enough money to actually survive and (fingers crossed) maybe have some savings. A new car would be great. Loving what I do would be even better.

What is it that I want to do? Everything! I want to finish the “book” I am writing and attempt to get it published. I want to tell my story and give inspiration to other women who have been victims of rape/ sexual assault publically and maybe counseling victims. I want to get my Counseling certificate in Psychology. I want to help heal women and teach them to not be afraid and reach their full potential. Heal Mind, body and soul!
I want to get into fitness modeling because, well, I just think its pretty damn badass and I know that I can do it.
I love the gym and body building is a perfect way for the broken to heal by molding herself and seeing the strength she already has.
I don’t want to sit behind a computer the whole day, wishing the hours past. I don’t want to work in a thankless dead-end career. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive…

Fear is holding me back. Fear and my deep rooted teachings that you must not stand out. You must not go against the grain. You must be a good little girl and follow all the rules to a T. Does that sound like me to anyone? Not in any lifetime will that ever be me!

In order to conquer my fears, I have set out a plan of action. I am not going to go jump into the deep end all balls to the wall. I am going to gradually ease into it and work my way to the deep end.

Firstly: I am going to finish and post the past series of journals, blog entries and poem’s and short stories that I have written or I am still working on and do some more volunteering/workshops/meetings with women/teens who are victims of sexual assault/rape and/or homeless or forgotten by society and look for an organization/online platform to share/speak for or with them.
Secondly: I am going to send out my resume to various public/state organization’s and see what the feedback is like for above said job or position/volunteering.
Thirdly: I am going to speak up for myself, yell my story to the world, no more lying to others or myself about ME, what happened, the why, when, where, and mostly WHO.
I’m going to work my ass off! I do that already, but now I want to be fearless, passionate about it.

My life has reached a point where I am very unhappy when I am at work. I don’t look forward to waking up at 3:50am every morning because I know that I am getting up to go to a job I hate. I look forward to leaving work at 2:00pm if I’m not working the other job, sitting on the bus with the headphones on and the music up loud, blocking out the world, so that I can head to my little apt to spend my night with my daughter and my little dog, watching TV, blogging, and just laughing the night away.
I would love to have a job that gave me the opportunity help teach/heal someone and to see them progress and become more confident, stronger in their lives.
I want to pursue my love of archaeology, to be in some distant land unearthing the past, something that the eyes of the past only gazed upon many thousands’ of years ago, that would give me the second greatest joy next to having giving birth to my daughters.
Why would you not want to pursue something like that? Why would you take yourself away from what you love?

I know many may say that that is life. That you can’t have it all. Well…screw that! I want it all!
I deserve it all! I am not going to live the same day for 75 years and call that a life.
I refuse to get stuck. I refuse to settle and I refuse to not love what I do. You spend majority of your life working…so why hate it? Why be unsatisfied?

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you feel you need to escape. You shouldn’t ever have a life that you want to escape from.

And that is my life at this moment. I feel like I want to escape from it. Run away to some far away coast, become a bartender at a sketchy beach bar at night and then spend my days surfing and making fun of the 9-5’ers and writing. In a place where no one knows me, where no one can find me.
You shouldn’t want to run away from your life. From you.

That is my goal for the remainder of this year and to be completed by next year and this is my accountability post. By the end of next year, I must love what I do. Be it working, writing, coaching and not be doing what I am doing now. By next year end I must be in love with a career or something that provides me with financial stability. I must not want to run away from it, wish it away or dream about anything else. What I end up doing by the end of the following year must be the best thing to have ever happened to me career wise.

This is my day one. This is where I begin my challenge. This is where I start my search for a career that I am 100% head-over-heals in love with and finally be free of my fear of my own past.

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