I desperately want to write something. It is almost like I need to write something, but I keep jumping from idea to idea, theme to theme and I can never settle on one topic. I have started and deleted so many blog posts and if you are reading this then it means that I didn’t delete this one.
It would seem that the more I do, the less writing I do. It’s as if I exhaust myself creatively with the one and then cannot do the other one. Stupid obligations so I can eat, sleep, live! Must my writing suffer along with it?
Then again, maybe it is a good thing that I haven’t written anything in a while…there is a lot going on in my head and I am afraid that if I put it to the virtual paper~my laptop then it is going to seem even more crazy or stupid than if I am the only one who knows about it.
Denial. That is what it is. Complete and utter denial.
For the past year while I have been trying to keep myself very busy. So busy, in fact, that I feel like a dead man walking. They can cast me in an episode or 10 of The Walking Dead and I will fit right in without even having to sit in the makeup chair. That is how tired I am. That is how emotionally drained I am. That is how frustrated I am.
Don’t get me wrong here, I have been having a lot of fun with all the busy-ness happening…I would just really like it to calm down a bit so that I can collect myself and pull myself toward myself. Running at full speed eventually gets to a person, especially when you know you are running from something and toward something that may not ever be there.
However, for the next few weeks and months things are going to remain busy. Which I am very happy about. It leaves me no time to overanalyze, to over think or to drive myself insane. That’s a bit dramatic…but I currently find myself in a situation where I have to do the one thing I hate the most.
Wait. Be patient. Keep quiet. Ok that’s 3 things, but I suck at them all!
And this is no ones doing but my own. I brought this upon myself and I am continuing on this road because I believe in it. I have hope…and maybe I just really suck at letting go, but I can’t shake this feeling that I am doing the right thing. However as much of this may suck and hurt. My life isn’t standing still…but that part of my life is on hold. The rest is going on as per usual. Or rather, the rest is continuing at warp speed and I am desperately hanging on to the wheel! I think I look like one of those dogs with their heads out a car window: Spit flying everywhere, tongue out the one side and cheeks all puffed up. So attractive, don’t you think?
Over the past year, while I have also come to realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and grateful for. I have amazing friends who have become my family and I have a family that is just so incredibly special to me I can’t even begin to put it into words. I have an amazing life filled with so many positive things. I am growing as a person both personally and professionally. I am beginning to see and to acknowledge how far I have come, how much I have changed and how completely epic that is!
I am not the same person I was a year ago and thank goodness for that! This has been a year of transformation, of growing and of learning. I don’t think I have ever been as strong as I am now, both physically and emotionally.
Sure, I have my weak days and my bad days, but they are becoming few and far between and I know how to deal with them.
And sure, there are some things in my life at the moment that I so badly want to change…but for the moment that is not possible. And I have to accept that. And move on. And not dwell on it. Easier said than done I guess.
I will keep my head up through all of this…that either makes me completely pathetic or incredibly strong.
I haven’t decided which one yet.