When it comes to new years and new year resolutions I am the absolute worst. I hate making them, I hate hearing about people making them and I hate the choices that people make when choosing what they want to change and/or do.
A few years I started with “The Year Of”. This basically meant that I was going to do one thing throughout the whole year and see how it impacts my life. There has been the year of saying yes to things that scare me, the year of always having a bottle of wine in the fridge and the year of being more selfish. All of these taught me something about life, my perspective and how you can make a massive change simply by implementing one small change.
For 2015 I have quite a list that I want to get through and things I want to accomplish/attempt. The reason for me sharing this on December 31st is because I can. Nothing deep and philosophical about it. It is simply that it hit me over the weekend that I am capable of doing so much more with my life and I don’t give myself nearly enough credit for what I am able to do. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
When I was in hospital last year, I started formulating this idea and this dream that I feel I am finally capable of taking on. Look, being in the hospital for the sexual assault. It was painful, to feel so completely alone, the shame and it was emotionally draining and negative to me physically, mentally and you are more often than not left with a gaping hole in your being. You feel afraid of everything and you feel shame that everyone you know will think different about you and mentally/physically you are placed into a hole filled with fear/shame/loss/anger. Where was my help? No where! for 2 months, I fell in a routine of hiding in my closet and not eating/sleeping, it wasn’t till I looked into the mirror after a shower that I saw what I looked like ( I lost 25lbs ! ) So I sought out help and found very little, but those who did reach out to me did save my life, for without them, I hate to think now what I would have done.
I started to also give hope to others of sexual assault, That being said I also know there are very little help for the victim’s. As part of my healing process I donate my time and experiences and that is also helping me with my fear of the public, meeting with people I would normally not meet with. It is scary and intimidating and I feel so incredibly alone and scared and confused and my life feels very uprooted. How did I cope? I wrote, blogged and exercise. I have a laptop, so I write about everything, went to the gym and doing yoga in my apartment whenever I got the chance and whenever I felt like I might just go insane. While doing this, it got me thinking…what if I can do this for the people in places like this? What if I could bring peace/closer/help to women of sexual assault in hospitals and psychiatric rehab/counseling centers?
Let me explain why. Writing / Blogging played a massive role in my healing process from the assault. It taught me how to be stronger mentally. It showed me that I was capable of much more than I ever gave myself credit for. There is something about pouring all of your fear, pain, anger on paper or type it on a laptop or front of women, who are loaded with pain, shame and anger and mentally preparing yourself to take those feelings and your own and show them and yourself that you can push past the pain, pull yourself up or lift others in so many number of different ways. Writing is a mental game. It forces you to get out of your comfort zone and embrace the uncomfortable and the painful and the seemingly impossible.
Now for me, writing and going to the gym/yoga has helped me physically by strengthening my body, but it also helped and taught me how to control my fears and anxiety and give emotional peace my mind, my psyche. I am mentally and emotionally stronger than I have ever been. I have control and discipline over my thoughts and feelings and I have the ability to pick myself up…and I can kick ass.
That is what I want to do…I want to get certified as a counselor and then approach various hospitals and rehab/counseling facilities and pitch my idea of bringing writing/blogging from a victim to victims as a form of therapy to those who find themselves there. Still working on a name but I definitely I want to do this and looking into.
I was speaking to a friend over the weekend, and she totally inspired me to pursue this idea. She is a assault survivor and such an inspiration! We spoke about a number of subjects over the weekend, but the one thing stood out was the idea of following your dreams and passions and taking positive risks.
This is a risk I want to take. This is something that I want to work toward and something that I want to fight for. It may not happen in this year, but I am positive that it will happen. I will make it happen. That is how passionate I am about this, this is how strongly I feel that I am being called to do this.
The other thing that I want to do more of in the coming year is to do write more . My first set of poems, I finally got the nerve to send them to a small publisher and was posted on a writers blog site last weekend and I am incredibly excited about that! Writing has always been a love of mine and I think I have finally found my inner voice that I want to share. Writing has always allowed me to express myself creatively and I leave it all on paper or blog. It is like the visual/verbal outpouring of my emotions of my thoughts.
Man, I am blessed! I have been blessed with so much and I want to share it with the world! I want to do everything to the best of my ability and be able to look back on what I have done and created and be satisfied that I didn’t hold back. Not one bit.
I want to live. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want to love. And I want to do it all with a passion that burns so bright it cannot be ignored!
I know it is going to be hard work and I know that I may fall on my ass a couple of times…but I will dust the dirt off my ass, tend to the bruises and pick myself up again and makes sure that I don’t stumble over the same obstacle again.
My ass-kicking boots are polished and ready to go!