There is something that I would like to get out in the open…Something that I really want people to understand completely.
I am not strong. I am not this tough, can-do-everything/don’t-need-anybody person that everyone seems to think that I am.
I shudder every time someone tells me that I am strong, that I can handle anything thrown at me and that when things do happen to me that its all okay. Because I am “strong”.
I am everyone’s shoulder to cry on. I am the person who gives advice, who picks up the pieces. The person who is always there for everyone else. But, heaven forbid that anything should happen to me! For example, this 3 year nightmare that I have been in since my sexual assault. I think everyone thought that I handled this with grace and humor and strength. Why? Because that is the face that I showed them.
Truth? I have felt like I have been broken down into the smallest of pieces. That big chunks of me have been ripped from me. My inner peace, my sanity, my dignity…all gone. But what do I do? I smile and make a joke of it. Then everyone thinks I am strong. Then the illusion stands where everyone goes, “Oh its okay, she is okay, she is strong. She can do anything.”
Truth? This was almost, if not on par, with when I was in Denver. Except, when I was in Denver they expected me to cry and be weak (not for too long though, oh please, please not for too long). Then I moved to Las Vegas, I have noticed that people don’t know what to do with me then. Its like…when I show weakness, they have no idea how to handle me and either then just ignore it or smother me with the words: “But you have gone through so much already this should be a walk in the park,” “Chin up, you are a strong cookie you can do anything,” and the best one is where they just don’t say anything and make like you don’t exist.
This has been hell. These 3 years have been hell. I am not someone who asks for help and that is probably why I got myself back up after being knocked down so quickly. I hate asking people for help because they all kind of get that look of: “Oh shit she wants something, she usually doesn’t ask for help.” Now to be fair, not everyone was like this…but I still got bombarded with the fact that I am a “strong” woman. And yes, I am. I have gone through enough terrible things in my life to know that I do posses a certain strength that most women don’t have. But…if I want to be weak, even just for a second, can’t you just allow it? Allow me to cry. To be upset. To feel pain. To be angry. To be scared. Just let me feel something other than the cold hard word “Strong”.
I am exhausted. I am fed up. I…I am done. Funny thing about being a woman…people don’t see you. All they see is, “Weak, Emotional Female !!!
Must not be strong, independent, it’s not normal!” This in itself gets to me…partly because I have realized that people have become so bad at having any form of sympathy toward someone who is even the slightest bit different and partly because I am used to being strong and therefore noticeable. Not in a vain way, please don’t get me wrong. I am simply saying that I am confident. Not just for a woman, but for anyone in general. Even the act of asking for help has been an eye opener.
There is this vibe around me that kind of feels like people are waiting for me to be back on my feet, less quite, less fearful, so that they can treat me like they used to. They physically do not know how to speak to me. So they ignore. Don’t get me wrong, there have been people who have gone above and beyond anything that I could ever have imagined and for that I will be eternally grateful!
Again I don’t know. I think I just need to be back to the old me, with my overly confident, no filter, tell you how it is, mind your business and keep the fuck out of mine, old self.