Self-Evaluation – Scary, but Necessary

reflection

Okay,
So many of you who have read this blog have commented to me that, perhaps, there is something on my end that has caused me to be in the relationship situation I currently find myself in. In other words – there’s GOT to be something wrong with ME, after all I am the one constant in all the messed up relationships I’ve had.
Well, who am I to argue against that suggestion. I am sure there are many things “wrong” with me–no one is perfect, well I’m perfect, LOL just kidding or maybe not. The last perfect person, I am told, was born 2,015 years ago…So, admittedly, I have room for improvement.
And that’s the thing–I know, I KNOW that I am light years from where I was just a few years ago. I base that on experiences I have gone through that I can tell have changed my life. I know I am a better person, but how do you quantify that? Simply saying it doesn’t really make it true–so how do I figure this out.
Okay, so as you may already know and I’ve been told– I am “blessed” with both OCD and perfectionism, so I am really hyper about being neat. Anyway, with those personality traits, I decided to do what you would think I would – I made a list.
Yup – I am a big list girl. Personal life, professional life – lists help me get through the day. There’s something satisfying about seeing a list, in writing, of all the stuff you need to do and then the tremendous feeling you/I get when I cross things off the list; a sense of accomplishment, to be sure. And if I create a bulleted list on my computer, getting in there with all the cool bullet choices, the formatting–WHOO HOO! Man, it’s like heaven…
Oh, sorry…lost myself there for a second…
Anyway, so I created a Pros and Cons list of my personality (aka–good and bad to dating me.) To say it was a revealing experience would be the understatement of 2015.
Now, not many people take an “inventory” of their personality–listing what makes them, them. Not that everyone has a ton of spare time, but if you get the chance, it’s really a great exercise in personal development and growth.
So, here’s my list:
Pros:
· Funny
· Intelligent
· Educated (well read, so to speak)
· Responsible
· Loyal
· Ambitious (this is also a con)
· Caring
· Sensitive
· Understanding
· A Good Listener
· Supportive
· Protective
· Perfectionist
· Organized
· Good Hygiene
· Adventurous
· Trusting (to a fault–see below)
· Flirtatious
· Passionate

Cons:
Hmmm….
Wow, this is harder than I thought…
I’m a pretty awesome woman – what cons could I possibly have?!
Just kidding…here are my Cons:

· Moody
· Judgmental (at times)
· Perfectionist (yes, this is both a pro and con)
· Tenacious (Set in my ways to a certain extent)
· Trusting (which inevitably leads to me being hurt, or worse,)
· Not a morning person (unless I am getting up early for work or going to the gym)
· Sarcastic
· Brutally Honest
· Jealous
· Possessive
· A-Type Personality (very demanding and very demonstrative)
· Flirtatious (yup, pro and con)
· Secretiveness (very high wall and a few skeletons)
· Controlling (safety mechanism, I gotta drive the bus ,so to speak of)
· Obsessive (the whole OCD thing)
· Suspicious
· Manipulative (have stepped on a few for my own gain~goes hand in hand with the above traits)
· Unyielding (again, control freak)

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Now, I realize both of the above lists are not complete by any stretch of the imagination. I am sure I left a ton of stuff out of both categories, but it was a good place to start. Again, seeing it in black and white (well, actually I used a blue pen and a yellow legal pad, but who really cares?) allowed me to begin to see what areas I needed to improve and what areas I could accentuate and expand upon.
But I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted a sense of validation, I guess – I wanted a third party perspective on this project. I thought I was on to something – after all, decades of failed dating necessitated some sort of change, a tipping point if you will. So I decided to solicit the aid of a friend who lives in Denver, has a degree in Criminal Justice and has a life long lessons in human psychology.
My friend will remain nameless, but this individual and I have chatted a few times in the 3 years since I’ve lived there . This person understands  my background and knows my personality pretty well. And helped me through the holidays when I was feeling really, REALLY blue – and it is this person who provided me with tools to use when I felt like things were really slipping away and I needed to remind myself of all that is good in my life.
And that’s the thing – I know many of you are reading this blog and may think “gosh, she’s just whining and complaining.” And there may be some merit to that, but I want you all to know that I realize that I basically have “uptown problems.”
I mean, I have a decent job (that does have some fun parts to it,) I have my health, my children are all healthy (thank God) I have a roof over my head (even though it’s a work in progress) I have friends, etc. Trust me, I get it.
There are many, many others out there who would kill – literally kill – to have what I have. This fact is not lost on me – it would just be nice to be in love with someone and they in love with me so we could share this journey we call life together. I think that’s what most human beings desire, no matter their place on the globe. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – life is better with company.
After emailing my list to my friend and talking a bit about what was troubling me, the one thing I got from it is this fact: I am normal.
Yes, despite what you may think (or some of you have heard,) I am normal. I have normal feelings and aspirations. I have normal desires, and my pros and cons are pretty normal. Now, I understand that’s a subjective term – normal – but the fact I was told that by someone with a bunch of initials after their name and a few diplomas from pretty prestigious institutions of higher learning hanging on their office walls (granted, they were crooked, so I adjusted them…sorry, OCD) gave me a sense of relief.
That’s because, if I’m honest, I thought for sure that, once my list was divulged, I would immediately be classified  “certifiable “. But no – surprise, surprise, I was told that what I was feeling was “pretty normal.” That doesn’t mean everyone feels what I am feeling, and that’s okay. Everyone’s life experience is unique, but knowing I wasn’t a complete basket case was comforting.
So yes – I am moody, and a bit judgmental. I may be too trusting at times, and I may be set in my ways. But I’m also a really funny, and in today’s world, we all need to laugh as much as possible and need those around us to make us laugh. I am a decent honest person – hey, I know, I’m no  Mother Theresa, but then again I’m no Persephone (Google it…) While I may be a bit of a mess in certain areas, overall I have my Shit together.
The trick, my friend told me, is to find someone who isn’t perfect, but who is perfect for me and I for them. It’s like finding a good job – every job has its own level of BS you have to put up with, the key is finding something you love to do and that you can deal with the BS. Same with the relationship, I am told – everyone has their goofiness (yes, that is a scientific term) but it’s finding someone who’s goofiness you love and who loves your goofiness that makes things work.
So, here I am – on the one hand, I have been reassured that I’m okay. But on the other, I am really no closer to finding the man of my dreams. I am better equipped knowing who I am, what I truly have to offer and where I can improve. I figure the better person I can make myself, the better person I am more likely to attract.
Either that, or it’s Match.com….

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