Today started off normal enough…actually, it started off pretty good. Besides the fact that my Achilles are killing me and it took me a half hour just to stretch them enough to be able to get out of bed.
But it started off good….its Sunday, its been a busy week so the week has flown by and I was feeling pretty damn good. Stressed, but good.Then it seemed like the shit just went ape shit and hit the fan. Not going to go into details, but it has been a rough day….and its not even 1:00 p.m. yet!
In short, I have broken down into tears about 4 times today. Been crapped on by one person and made to feel like an idiot by another.
I hit a point when I was sitting on the bus coming back from work at the casino, where I seriously considered just not going back to work. Just to fade…and then when asked where I am my only reply would be: “I quit.” Not because I want to, but because I am sick of office politics and games and miscommunication and well…at this point just everything.
It is as if all the little things throughout the week have added up and came crashing down on me all at once. I have been without my at home glasses after the contacts are out for the week because mine have grown legs and walked away, so there’s that and the permanent headache that you deal with when that happens.
My body has this new trick where it feels like I’m about to pass out /fast heartbeat on me randomly…that’s always fun. Especially in peak customer traffic. Great times. I love being sworn at for something I cannot control.
Also, apparently I am quite stressed about the fact that in a week I am going to have my MRI read to let me know if both of my Achilles need to be cut open and cleaned out which will result in me being in a wheelchair for 4 weeks. That’s fantastic…
Today I am feeling sorry for myself. I am mad at myself. I am feeling all the cracks and they hurt like a bitch.
I hate that I have to go through something this big again on my own. Sure, I have people around me who are very supportive…but there is just something about actually having someone special in your life who you know you can count on being there. To look after you, to take you to the hospital, to be there when you wake up…and then for everything after that. And feeling like this makes me so mad! I have to scramble to make arrangements, I have to suck up my pride and ask people for help and hope that they don’t turn around and see me as a burden, a nuisance…I don’t ever want to be that to anyone… But I guess that is what I am right now. I mean, I have no other options.
Today is not a good day…but I will make it better…I will suck it up and deal with it. Like I always do.
When is this whole, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing going to start paying off? Have I not gone through enough? Am I not strong enough now? How much more am I going to have to take? How much more am I going to have to break to be this invincible being that can take anything? When am I going to stop crying? When does it get better?
Because seriously…I have had enough. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of…this. This life that I try and make better, but then get kicked back down again. I am done.
Maybe I just need to take a few breaths, enjoy weekend and just focus on one thing at a time. Obviously my silver lining is still hiding behind the storm. It will come out at some point…but for now, for now I don’t want to have to pretend that I am okay and that I am strong and that I have my shit together.
I am not okay. I am not strong. My shit is all over the place!
But I will get through this day and the next and the next and the next and if I just keep going…I will claw myself out of this hole.