Me and Avoidance go way back. We’re tight. Thick as thieves. Two peas in a pod. Birds of a feather. Cut from the same cloth. And any other cliché form of saying exactly the same thing in a completely redundant way.
If avoidance was a sport- I would hold every record, have every gold medal and would probably have my own catch-phrase. Something like: “You just pulled a Sharon.” Or “You Campisi’d that one right out the park.” I would be inducted into the Hall of Fame. My plaque would be on some major building, all shiny and stuff.
I am even avoiding as we speak. Procrastinating through witty banter. Distracting you with clever word-plays and buttering you up with sarcasm. Simply because…well, it’s what I do.
Throughout my whole life, which isn’t that long if you look at it in the grander scheme of things, I have learned that the way in which we deal with things is to avoid.
Topic you don’t want to talk about? Bring up something else.
Problem needs solving? Create a distraction.
Someone dies? That’s inconvenient so let’s never talk about them again. Ever.
I have learned through generations to do exactly what my family does so well: avoid.
My whole family avoids. It’s always, “Now is not a good time to bring that up.” (Its never a good time to tackle something uncomfortable.) “Don’t say anything, you might upset her.” Or even better: “Please don’t be who you are because its not quite what we are looking for right now and we don’t know how to handle it.” Now this last one is not exactly quoted properly. But I can assure you that its behind a hell of a lot of what goes on in our house.
There’s always someone who you mustn’t upset by doing something stupid like, oh I don’t know, living. There is always a situation that needs to be put off to preserve the delicate balance. There will always be a reason to not address something that needs to be addressed.
There will always be: “Lets just wait till…”
No wait, I lie. It does come, this confrontation that we so long to avoid. Oh it comes. Have you ever seen shit- shit actually hit a fan? Have you ever microwaved something without piercing it and seen it burst? Have you ever thrown a bottle at a wall?
It gets messy.
I have learned that you keep it in and keep it in until it feels like you may implode simply for the sake of keeping the peace. You bottle up everything that needs to be bottled up because of its inconvenience. Until one day…well, we are only human. You can’t infinitely expand and hope that your boundaries hold.
What follows is major shit and drama. Everyone screams at everyone, old demons are brought back and shoved in your face as if to say: “You see! Ha! I told you you’re a horrible person and will always be pathetic and will never change!”
That one always hurts. It hurts to even just write it.
This whole entry is making me highly uncomfortable and agitated because I know that I am reaching that point. I am reaching that point where if feels like all the things I have avoided dealing with are pushing me into a corner and I can’t get away. I can’t not deal anymore.
I hate that I let it get this far. I hate that I am constantly doing this. But mostly I hate knowing I’m going to do what I always do. It happens without fail.
I’m going to freak out completely and say horrible things (because I know where to hit where it hurts the most- the beauty of being able to read people. I know their triggers) and then I am going to retreat. Shut down. Build yet another wall and keep pretending.
I can’t even cry anymore. I used to be the world’s biggest crier. I would cry in an ad because I thought it was beautiful. I can feel the tears, I know they are there, I can feel that burning in the back of my throat and nose…but I can’t cry.
Have I really become that hardened? That jaded?
Am I ever going to be able to say what I really want to say? Not what is expected or acceptable, but what I really mean?
I don’t know. All I know is that I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore and I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I am so tired of feeling guilty about things that I should not feel guilty about. I did nothing wrong!
If you are reading this, then I have published this. I don’t know if I should. But maybe, this is what I need. Maybe I need to write about it. Maybe this is how I need to heal. I don’t want to be that person that goes through life never letting anyone in because it would mean that I can’t avoid them. Once you let someone in, there is no room to avoid them…
I can’t go on the way I’ve been going on. Its killing me. Not physically, but emotionally. And I’m not ready to die.