Comparison is the thief of joy

 

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This was originally going to be a comparison blog.

I had it all lined up…I mean, I have been in Denver for 5 months now and there is a lot that I can compare from my old life to my new life.

 

And I am not just talking about the big stuff here! I am talking about small things like how the yogurt tastes different and how crazy the weather  is here ( sunny, rainy and snow all in matter of hours!)  and how the men are COMPLETELY different. No jokes, whole other ball game (Excuse the pun) when it comes to men around these parts.

I had my data, my lists, my little notes. I had everything ready to write this massive blog entry about how different things are here.

Then today it hit me…why the hell would I want to compare the two? Why would I want to point out the good and the bad of either state/way of life? Fact of the matter is: I made the decision to move and I’ve made some mistakes with work, people here in Vegas. I made the decision to go and start new job/life again and  where majority (if not everything) is bound to be different. What is the use of me making lists and looking back and remembering how my life was, when the whole point of this move was for a different life?

Look…I am not going to sugar coat anything. This is tough. Starting over is not easy. Adapting to a completely new way of life is hard and confusing and frustrating…and it has only been 5 MONTHS! I am supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase of this relationship with Las Vegas! But it’s been almost 5 years since I moved back there and I still feel like it was the worse thing I’ve ever done in my life! Everything is supposed to be all shiny and new and exciting. Which it isn’t. But it is also daunting and scary and overwhelming and if I think too far ahead I want to bury my head under a blanket, click my heels together 3 times and wish for some magical creature to whisk me back to my old life.

 

Everything I do now, is for the first time. I have to make friends again…me! The woman with permanent Resting Bitch Face syndrome. The woman who finds it near impossible to let new people into her life, now has to open up and let people in. It goes against everything within me.

I am Sunshine Sally all friendly and bubbly and welcoming. Which, by the way, people in ( Las Vegas) are NOT!. They are genuinely rude. RUDE! My current capacity to deal with rude is almost at its limit. I am not used to rude. It physically hurts me not to smile and it is emotionally uncomfortable for me to interact with so many people simultaneously who are rude, fake and out for themselves and would steal a dollar from you .

This is making me out to sound like a complete asshole. I really am a nice person. I am just not used to everyone around me being like that as well. I am used to the occasional friendly smile and chit-chat…Vegas is a place where people run to, from their problems,the law and god knows what else but the populace is shady, sneaky and you feel uneasy.

The Big Move to DENVER…

To say that I am out of my comfort zone is a gross understatement.

Am I getting things done? Yes.

Am I working toward improvement? Yes.

Am I completely freaked out? YES!

Am I excited about this challenge? Absolutely!

There really isn’t one word to describe how I feel. It feels as if someone has injected me with both adrenaline and anesthetics. I have moments where I am full speed ahead, rearing to go, completely invincible…and then something small will happen and I feel completely paralyzed. Like I have been stopped dead in my tracks and I don’t know why.

I know people will say everywhere has its good and bad apples and I get that but from the long standing residents have even said there is really good things about this place.

 

I think the key to handling this whole situation is this:

  • Stop making comparisons.
  • Start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
  • Smile. Just smile and wave.
  • Stop planning ahead and live in the moment.

I have faced many situations in the past that I never thought I would ever get through…and I did.

This is just another situation and if I embrace it 100% for what it is…then I will get through it.

 

I want this life. I deserve this life.

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The WTF Week!

As I am sitting here, about to write this post, I am like a dead man walking. I am absolutely stressed the Fuck out after this week.

This week has been a whirlwind of stress, worry, crazy, packing and unpacking a whole lot of other things that needed to be handled.

Tomorrow I start a new week as in the Jewish Calendar  adventure by moving forward and not standing in one place. This will be not first time that I will be rewriting my own path again. This is like an old friend for me and I am very excited about this new chapter in my life!

I think, with everything that had to happen this week, I kind of hit a downer. Lets say I was a little overwhelmed. Okay, a lot overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me and I had to pull myself together…fall down 7 times, get up 8…right?

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I entered this week with an idea called the Vegas has kicked my ass but I’m going to win (It did, of course) and the first WTF was Monday. I started in the morning, but then the stress kept building by the afternoon… I improved my thoughts. One. Its not that my mind gave up, its that my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. I could see in my head how I just couldn’t handle other peoples behavior, so I do what I always do, I shutdown . I could actually see myself slowly imploding but in my heart I wanted to kick certain peoples  asses but I was the one, who’s ass got kicked.

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Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it actually hurts? You want it so badly, that you would do anything to get it. That’s how I feel about this whole Vegas thing. I so badly want to be as happy and successful here as what I know I can be. But it seems like every time I make even the slightest of progress, I get pushed back 2 steps.

I am like that nerdy kid that so badly wants to be part of the cool kids, but I am actually just the kid standing on the outside looking in. I think what makes it worse is that this is something that I really love to do and I am good at it. Success does not come easy to me here in Las Vegas and it breaks down my confidence a bit. 

Sometimes it feels like I have to try so hard, for even the slightest change. Not just with work, but with most things.

Maybe I am just throwing myself a little bit of a pity party right now…actually its not a maybe its a definite! 

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SO! Enough of that! Here are some pictures. I hope they motivate you a bit on this Friday. 

I will not give up. I just need to regroup and maybe a Hug.

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Happy Friday