The Plan…

What I thought was going to happen when I moved to Denver, compared to what has actually happened is probably the biggest brain fart I have ever had.


Meaning: I could not have been more wrong!


First, let me put it out there: Moving is easy. Packing up your life, having all your things stolen, doing all the administrative type of things, saying good-bye and getting on a plane: Piece of cake.


Actually living in another state and trying to find your feet: Not so much.

No one wants to hear this, and no one says it because of some stupid “code” or pride or whatever…but it is HARD trying to build a new life in a new City or state. It is an emotional roller-coaster that does not slow down or stop. It just keeps twisting and turning and hurtling along and all you can do is hold on and not puke.

When I landed here, I had it all planned out. I was going to spend 2 weeks getting over the hell I went through, relax a bit, help out with my friends Jodi/Miles, David, Tina, and Maria, spend some quality time with myself, convince Rommey to move ASAP and basically just come to terms with the fact that there is no return flight and that this was not a holiday.

Then, I got on the plane with my pupper, Spike and we flew into Denver and everything would just fall into place.

I would find a job, doesn’t really matter where, because I have skills and I don’t do drugs that is apparently very much needed in these parts.

I would then find a nice place to stay and decorate it with the few items I brought with me and create a home for myself.


Then I planned on joining a gym, get my body back into shape, find a tanning salon, make some new friends and who knows, maybe even meet a nice guy…

Everything was supposed to fall into place. Because that is how I planned it. That is how I saw it happen in my head. The Plan was the only thing keeping me from completely freaking out. I needed The Plan to work.


The Plan did not work. Parts of it did, but the majority did not.

Thing is…I have been on my own and independent for a very long time. I have lived on my own, had my own car, paid my own bills, lived my own life on my own terms for years now. I hate having to rely on other people for help.

I hate having to depend on other people for anything.

I hate that I cannot financially support myself.

I hate not being able to work.

I hate not having my own house.

I hate not having my own car.

I hate feeling like I am completely useless.

Currently, I have applied for basically all the jobs in Denver. All of them. Because I WANT to work. I like working! I know that is a weird thing to say, but I really do like working. I have not worked for 3 months now and I am beginning to get on my own nerves now. Doing yoga helps a lot with that as I can work out my frustrations and playing tourist just to get me out of the house and speak to people.

But it is not enough. Look, I love my friends and I appreciate it so much that they are supporting me in every way possible…but I don’t want to be a burden on them. I don’t want them to begin resenting me and thinking that I am not making a conscious effort to get a job and move out and start providing for myself again.

I don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want to disappoint me.

I have actually reached a point where I am terrified of opening my emails because of all the rejection emails from jobs that I have applied for. Jobs that, with my qualifications and my experience, I should be getting interviews for. Yet…I either hear nothing, or I immediately get an email saying that my application was rejected due to the high volume of applications received.


Being unemployed does not work for me. I feel utterly useless and pathetic. My brain needs to be stimulated! My brain needs to work! I NEED to work!


So in an attempt to approach this whole working thing from a different angle, I have decided to stop and wait for the career, not just a job.


I’m now gainfully employed with a financial institution. I’m not starting at an entry level and I have opportunities and room for advancement,  but I am hoping that this career will give me when is all done and the freedom to grow my career and have my life up and running that will get some peace of mind and give me financial relief and will help me get my name out there for future opportunities.


As vain as this sounds, and if you know me you know that I am probably the least vain person out there, but… I am good at what I do. I am an excellent manager and my background in finance, has helped me with my career choice. I know how to speak to people and I truly care about what I’m doing is the right thing. My ethics for myself and my career and the company I work for is very important to me. I know how to work with people, especially in helping them get their lives, goals off the ground.

I did not come here to be a failure. I came here for a better life. I came here to start over…best-photo-manipulation-tutorials-1

Everyone keeps telling me that I must just be patient, that things will happen when they are meant to happen and that I must just relax… Well, you know what? I can’t relax. I can’t sit around and wait for this proverbial “it will happen when it is meant to happen” crap. I have put myself out there in every way possible. Hell, I even thought that Tinder would edge things along a little bit… BIG mistake. If anything, Tinder just made me even more despondent on the finding a partner front.

I know that my friends and family will support me in anything that I do. I know that I will have a roof over my head for as long as I need it…and for that I am eternally thankful.

What I do want though…is a little bit of my independence back.

I left everything behind. I came here with practically nothing. I want to start building my life back up again…because quite frankly, from where I am sitting now, I am humiliated. I mean, I am the girl that kicked many manipulative, cheating assholes, I’m the woman that went through being assaulted  by 3 unknown assailants,  got through being in the hospital on and off  for 4 weeks, due to my injuries and basically had to learn to walk outside again, I’m the woman that has been dealt blow after blow and still I fight on.

I don’t  compare or cry and make other people feel sorry for me, bad things happen to good people…Don’t let it use you as a crutch but take your pain and wear it as your light because you have walked through many days and nights in darkness.


All I need is that one break. That one crack that will let even just one beam of light through.


I did not give up everything to end up with nothing. Things may not be going according to The Plan…but then again when has anything in my life gone according to plan?


Time for those big girl panties and a good helping of: “Fake it till you make it!



So… am I ready to date?

Catching up on the last couple of days…

Catch Up_

I went to therapy on Tuesday night for my bi-weekly appointment. I’ve been feeling kinda sad and overwhelmed.  She thinks that I’m ready to date again.  But before I elaborate on me being ready to date again, let me say a few things about my going to therapy.  I couldn’t write that sentence without thinking that I would be judged for admitting that I see a therapist, but I think there needs to be more awareness around mental health.  As an extrovert, sometimes I want to be in the limelight of the world but in a second it can feel like too much, and it feels like there’s too much energy being thrown at me to process.  A couple of years ago, I was brutally assaulted and started experiencing a high frequency of anxiety and depression due to the assault. I became a shut in due to my fear of that night, sounds I heard and the not rational fear of “they” will come back. I spent days in my hall closet in fear, that behavior and fear ended up hurting me.  I  suffered from extreme anxiety (especially when it came to men) and I didn’t take care of myself and lost about 45 pounds.  I don’t know how to on some days to deal with the fear,  I should be able to function but some days I just can’t  and what it’s supposed to look like if I did, but I didn’t know how to get there.  And so began the journey, with my therapist as my teacher and guide.

It’s been almost 4 years since I began therapy and at times I’m doing well then on other days I’m a train wreck.  I’ve changed a lot and have a better sense of self-confidence and love and appreciation for myself that I didn’t have before.  I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, but I’m much stronger than I was when I began.  Therapy isn’t for everyone, but for me, it really helped.  For anyone considering going, it’s worth a shot.  At least if you go once and you don’t think it’s for you, you can say you tried it.

So — about me being ready to date again.  According to Colleen and Tracy  (my therapists), they think I’m ready.  they think the recent events with my birthday last year and the “friend” I met  is an indication that I’m looking for a connection but my fears are holding me back, so I choose situations where I know I’ll be “safe” — i.e, nothing can truly happen between us and so I won’t have to deal with the messiness of a real relationship and the possible pain that can come, and I won’t have to deal with my demons that only come out when there’s a guy involved.  I’m also ready because I’m at a point where I don’t consider finding a partner to be essential to my happiness, and so I won’t put any pressure on the situation.  All accurate statements.  Anyway, I’m saying no and the thought is definitely in my head.  I don’t know when I’ll do something about it, but I’ll know when it’s right.  I’m not really going to think about it too much.




I know you’re in pain. It hurts in ways you can’t even begin to describe and even if you could, no one seems to want to listen. Sure, people care and try to help… for a time… but when you don’t seem to be getting any better, after a while, they get tired of listening… Eventually it becomes easier to keep it all inside.
I know you feel like it will never get better and you’ll never be okay again. It’s been like this for so long now that you think if things were ever going to change they would have by now so this is how it’s always going to be… but it’s not. I promise it’s not. You learn cope, it just takes time and I know it feels like you’ve given it enough time already but not everyone heals at the same pace.
Tell yourself it’s okay to feel the way that you do. Nobody else on this earth has lived through your life to be in any kind of position to understand your battles. Nobody else but you has walked in your shoes to be any kind of comparison on how you should be feeling right now or whether or not you should be ‘better’. I won’t lie to you – what you’re going through will always leave its mark upon you as any trauma does – and that’s normal too. Nobody looks back on a traumatic life experience and giggles about it… But it’s this all-consuming depressive state… these overwhelming feelings you can’t control… the way those feelings isolate you and make you feel vulnerable and alone – THAT is what won’t last forever.
It DOES get better… you DO find acceptance. Not all at once – its gradual… like a stormy day or a long dark night… you don’t just blink and suddenly it’s a blue sky. Storm clouds part slowly, allowing brief flashes of sunlight at first… then eventually disappear… Dark nights end slowly as a new day begins to dawn… Acceptance is the same… and I know you have the courage to wait for it…