Something Sensible

Let’s talk about…lifeeye-makeup2

Yes, life. I seem to be getting a bit lax with the whole blogging thing, I blame this on my hectic schedule at the moment. Ag, who am I kidding! I’m just lazy and procrastinate when it comes to writing. The thing is, I realize that I have a lot to say, but what I have to say will probably be offensive to a lot of people and most certainly will be a bit too honest for most. But that’s me. I speak way too much, say way too much and more often than not I say things that people know but don’t want to hear. A lot of my friends have said that I carry my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I do. But I would rather do that than carry my heart in a safe, behind lock and key with 24hour FBI on the lookout for anyone that may or may not hurt me. I would rather be hurt a million times than not allow myself to feel anything. It’s like, I would rather fall hard than never fall at all. I’m like that though, I love extremes. It’s either one way or the other with me. There is no gray area, no middle ground, and no maybe-space. It’s either this or that and nothing in between.

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This is probably why I am still single. I’m not prepared to settle for something that isn’t 100% what I want just because I’m feeling a tad lonely or would like to have someone to spend Sunday afternoons with. And this is also probably why I work so hard. I would rather go to the gym, nearly kill myself and crawl out than waste my time pottering here and there and actually just being there for the sake of being seen. Don’t you think lots of people do that? They do things simply for the sake of being seen.

Like a lot of church going people that I know. There they are, Sunday evenings in the church. Hands raised in celebration, right in the front. They do all the charity work, go to all the events and are more at the church than at their own homes. Sounds like the perfect Christian, jew or Catholic right? Not at all. If you look closely at some of these people you can see how, when their arms are raised, they make sure everyone can see them. And you can tell, by the way, that they act, that this is just for show. They want people to see how “fantastic” they are. I’m sorry, but doesn’t that seem wrong to you? I go to church and I read my bible and I love the G%D, but I am not going to be made to feel inferior just because I’m not a showy religious nut. What I say and do, are actually the same. My life is my ministry. I don’t need everyone to see how great I am. Because what people think of me, really doesn’t matter. I could not give a flying fart in space what you think. And I am sure as hell not going to be front and center in church/temple when I know that the night before I went on a real bender and made out with half of the San Diego Football team. Yes, I have my faults and I have screwed up in the past and I probably will still screw up, but at least I’m not pretending. What you see with me, is what I am. I am that woman who likes to train like the big boys, I like rock music, not so much into rap or country, telling stupid jokes. I am me. I’m not too sure what exactly that means, but I know that I am not going to pretend to be anyone else just so that you would like me. If you don’t like me, well then good for you. You have an opinion and I respect that.

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We have all forgotten how to respect people. How to respect situations and boundaries and life. I think that is the problem. We have all lost respect for ourselves. Is it not true, that if you truly valued yourself and who you are, that you would not let people treat you the way that they do? I know I wouldn’t have. I have let people treat me like dirt, just because I thought I wasn’t worth anything more. Now, I’m sorry, but now there is no murky water where that is concerned. If you want to get to know me for me, then please do. But if you want to get to know me for what I can offer you then move along.

I am nobodies’ second choice, rebound, back-up plan, last resort, plaything or booty call. I refuse to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I deserve. I have high standards, I know I do, but I would rather have high standards than no standards. I am not that girl that is going to be happy with friends with benefits or an open relationship because I am not going to spend my time on someone that wastes mine.

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This is a rant, and I know it. I wasn’t going to rant, but rant I did. I guess it’s the culmination of everything really. I so badly want just one guy to prove to me that they aren’t all the same. The rose-colored glasses are off, and what I see…well, it ain’t that impressive or pretty. Guys: BE MEN! Please, I am begging you on behalf of all womankind. Stop believing that you are not good enough. Stop believing that you need to be this mean, lying ass player to get anywhere in life. Stop acting like a douche bag because you think it’s cool. It’s not. It’s stupid and I can see straight through it. Have followed through and stop being afraid. I see so many boys, afraid to be men.

I wish I could sit down each and every man in my life and tell them that they are capable of being great. I wish I could tell them all that they shouldn’t be afraid and that they should embrace the roles given to them. I wish I could tell them that I don’t want to be disappointed in them anymore. I wish they could step up so that I don’t have to take that step. I was made a woman, equal in different ways. I don’t want to be a man or have a man’s role in life. I have said it before, but I want to say it again. I have faith that there is a generation of men, waiting to take back their roles in society.

Give me one of those men. Give me a man, not afraid of being a man. Give me a man that can be a role model, a husband, a father and a friend. I want one of those, and I believe with all my hear he is out there. I really just don’t want him to be hiding away because he thinks he isn’t good enough.

Please hear me now: you are good enough.

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Fears…face them don’t fear them

I am afraid of a lot of things…today it was confirmed that I am afraid of heights as I had to climb over my apartment gate to get into my house. In a skirt. Then again, I realized I have an almost paralyzing fear for heights when I went on the High Roller and when I have to fly or riding down on a escalator and just…high things. I don’t like high things. They can be high, and away from me. I just must not be on top of them and asked to move or ride down from them.

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I guess this fear is also limited to types of heights. For example, I went zip-lining one weekend and I loved that!

Jump out of a plane? Hells no! I hate flying in the damn things so why would I voluntarily throw myself out of one? It makes no sense!

So that is my fear of heights…some of my other fears include, but are not limited to:

  • Beetles. The damn things fly for your FACE! I mean…WTF is up with that?
  • Spiders . The animal fearing theme is strong with me…
  • Flying. I heavily sedate myself when I have to fly.
  • Clowns and mimes. I put them in one category simply because I fear things all circus related and I truly hate the circus.
  • Crowds. I have a fear of big crowds of people. I get kind of claustrophobic…especially when I can’t see a way out. I always need to know where the exit is at all times

These are some of my less serious fears…Here come the serious fears

  • Failure. I have worked really hard to get the experience that I have regarding my work and I am so scared that I will fail at what I want to do.
  • Not being enough. I fear being inadequate. I fear being obsolete. I fear being forgotten
  • Relationships. Its not that I am scared of relationships, but rather that my fear of losing people will push the ones I love the most away. I kind of self destruct in almost any form of relationship that I find myself in. I don’t know why I do that…it’s really stupid and I am trying very hard to stop. So far so good!
  • Missing out. Not like the whole “Hipster FOMO” kind of way. But more that I miss the moments with the people I love. That I miss sharing in special moments and milestones. I mean…with my family that is so far away, I miss everything. I hear about it, but I physically miss the moments.
  • Not having a life…my own life, but yea…I don’t want to have my life pass by me and see that I haven’t done the things I wanted to do.
  • Not living due to fear. I am so scared to step outside my comfort zone that I am scared that I am not living. I have been doing more things that make me uncomfortable and pushing myself past my comfort zone. So I guess I am working on those fears.
  • Moving. Moving on. Moving house. Moving states. Just…moving
  • Going back into fear. I know that I have anxiety and depression , but I also know that I never, EVER want to go back to that dark place, again.

Today it kind of hit me that I have been feeding my fears and not fighting them. This I thought whilst I was scaling a wall to get into my place.

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I don’t want to live and work in fear. I don’t want to be afraid to be who I truly am. I don’t want to be afraid to speak my mind and be heard. I don’t want to be afraid to stand up for myself. I want to be fearless. I want to conquer my fears….NO…actually I want to kick them in the ass and watch them fly away.

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And I will. I am. I am becoming more fearless everyday…because you know what? I have gone through hell and back in my life and I am still standing here. In one piece. Semi-normal. 100% myself.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can just hide from your fears. Face them. Fight them. And then free yourself from them!

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