Some life lessons…and random thoughts

This post was going to be one about honesty and lying and how we find it so difficult to be honest. And it is still going to be…but I have come across so many other ideas that I feel I need to express and that have been sitting with me for a while now.
So, call this a life-lesson blog entry. Or a random brain fart entry. It is yet again one of those things that I need to write in order to get it out of my brain.
I need to do that every now and again when things get too crowded in there.
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Firstly, I heard a comment on a show I was watching yesterday: “Whats so complicated about being honest?”

As simple as this question sounds, it is layered with doubt and insecurity and is actually quite complex.
People lie. It is what we do. We lie to save face, we lie to protect, we lie to hide…we lie on a daily basis.
I am not talking about massive, life altering lies and if you have, then the lie must have protected a hurt or your damaged soul to have told such a lie and to the receivers ” Before you cast the first stone , look within your own closet for skeletons. I am talking about those little white lies that are so quick to form and so quick to be dispensed. One can almost understand and justify why we lie to others, but what gets me the most is that we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves on a daily basis. We tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are coping. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated the way that we are. We try and justify our actions through lies. Why? Why would you lie to yourself? It is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself! Because, in all honesty, you are hurting no one but yourself. And if you look at it that way… doesn’t that make you want to think twice about how you see yourself and your life?
I am guilty of this. I lie to myself all the time. I tell myself that I deserve to be treated like shit. I tell myself that I am not good enough to go after my hearts desires. I even tell myself that if I’m lied to, cheated on, it’s okay because I’ve lied before, it’s what I deserve…
There are so many things that I lie to myself about… because it is easier. It is easier to face a lie than what it is to deal with the truth. More often than not, the truth is harsh. It hurts and it is like a slap through the face. Stupidly enough, one of the things I have been passionately lying to myself about is that I am okay with being alone. That I am okay with being single and that I don’t want to be in a relationship.
Telling myself, I deserve the scraps of  that, so called relationships of my past have been thrown my way…What a load of bull!
I deserve the best kind of relationship. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and who is proud of me.
Proud to have me in their life.
I don’t want to be a little secret. A occasional time-filler. I deserve better than that.
That is also why I am now going to be very honest with the people in my life. I no longer have time for people who don’t make time for me.
I am tired of going out of my way for others when they don’t even give me the time of day.
People who make plans and promises and then cancel? Sorry…you’re out!
People who only contact me when it is going bad with them? I am not your psychologist.
I have people in my life who are actually in my life. People who have stuck by me and who I have stuck by, through thick and thin.
They are few, but they are quality. The rest…well the rest I am no longer going to even make an effort with.
I was promised so much by “family/friends” only to have them cancel on me because something better came along… that’s not right. And that is a lie of love for your family and a friendship.
Another thought that I wanted to write about is that of life and living and all that fun stuff. I don’t want to die knowing I did not live.
We get so caught up in work and relationships and commitments and stress that we forget to do the one thing we were created to do: Live. Even as I am writing this I know that I am guilty of this. There are moments in my life that I can say I have truly lived. But they are completely overshadowed by my absolute fear of life. I am so scared of taking that risk and doing what it is that I want to do, that I freeze and accept that this is as good as it gets. This can’t be as good as it gets. Because if it is then I demand a refund. Living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it by, constantly being broken down by people who are “superior”… They never experienced what you have been through or going through,  so you must have asked for it?!?
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Is that life? Is that how its supposed to be?
I understand that we all need to make a living. I understand that not all of life can be an adventure and extreme and fun. But what I do know…is that this is not the be all and end all for me. I deserve more than this.
I have been dealt blow after blow after blow the past few months and I am really getting sick of it now. All I am asking for, is one good thing to happen. One ray of sunshine that can light the way. I know I am a fighter and I know that I will get through whatever is thrown my way…but it would be nice if what is thrown my way is something positive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means wallowing in self pity about the way things are. I mean, I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. Its more of a…if I can just get a leg-up.
Just that little boost, then I can get out of this final layer that I have been stuck under.
I am ready for new challenges, new adventures, new opportunities. I know I have so much more to give. I know I have so much more life in me!
Fuckin’ hell! I have been through hell and back and I have come out on top and I am damn proud of that. I know I am strong.
I know I am a fighter and I know that I will conquer anything that comes my way.
But even a fighter needs the war to end some time. My war has been going on for long enough. So…even if my last ray of sunshine is simply that it catches the last of …light…and that lies and pain of my past have stolen my identity, my self and caused havoc in my life.
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Letting go. That will already be like a burst of sunshine.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Be honest. Not only with those around you, but with yourself as well.
It is scary as hell and you will probably be met with resistance and rejection and who knows what else.
But you will also be met with gratitude and respect and unexpected awesomeness (of this I am convinced).
Live. Even if all you do is take 5 minutes a day to do something that you absolutely love to do. Those 5 minutes of selfish enjoyment can go a long way.
De clutter. Remove the people in your life who suck the life out of yours.
Stop making excuses for people.
Stop giving them second, third, fourth and fifth chances. They don’t respect you or your time.
So why should you bend over backward to accommodate them when it is convenient for them?
Never stop pursuing the life you know you deserve. Never settle for mediocre, the good enough or safe… Don’t let fear rule your life.
Love. the people you love with all that you have.
And tell them that you love them.
As much as you can.
You never know when you wont be able to anymore.
Appreciate the small things. A perfectly made cup of coffee. A crested Carolina Wren singing outside your window.
A sunset after a hectic day at work. The feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn and pursuing your passion before the world starts to wake up. Dancing around to your favorite song without fear of looking like an idiot. No one looks stupid when they are doing something that they love.
Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot! Try that new sport. Dance to your own beat. Sing as loud and  horrible as you can.
Tell someone how you feel. Embrace your inner child. You will be surprised how many people are out there…just waiting for you to come out and play
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Intuitions

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life~Albert Camus, Youthful Writings.

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LOVE is in the air tonight

I LOVE Valentine’s Day. For as long as I can remember it has always been my second favorite holiday, next to Christmas. Now, this isn’t because I’m one of those lucky girls who is always showered with gifts from cute boys, I don’t even see it as being about couples.
No, I have always loved Valentine’s Day because for me it is the one day of year that you can truly open up and tell someone you love them, which is something we as a human race, quite frankly, don’t do enough.
We get so scared of being true to our feelings, for fear of rejection, for fear of getting hurt later down the line; sometimes though, we simply neglect to say anything.
February 14th? A love celebration…
Or not?
Reading through social feeds today was a bit confusing. Some were doting love on others, some not…
Some made sarcastic attacks on “Valentine’s Day” and some were just normal…
Now I question, what is it about this particular day that people tend to be blissfully in love, unhappy and/or just nonchalant? I celebrate Valentine’s Day, I celebrate Fat Tuesday and I will not disclose why… LOL…your imaginations can go wild on that one, just remember I’m innocent, LOL…
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So, I Google (I mean research) and find some quite disturbing things about this particular day on which we celebrate (or supposed to celebrate) love… The origin of this day is quite unromantic to say the least… Firstly it is linked to some Roman fertility festival that took place from 13th to 15th Feb, whereby men sacrificed dogs and goats, and used the hide of the sacrifice to whip the women (gruesome much?) alternatively men would draw the names of women from a jar and spent the duration of the festival (or forever) with that woman… Secondly there is a story of St. Valentine, a Roman priest who married young couples against the command of the Roman Emperor Claudius… St. Valentine was captured, tortured and subsequently beheaded on Feb 14th…

So I guess we can see why Feb 14th and also where the name comes from, however based on those origins, how on earth did today become a day to celebrate love and present chocolate, flowers and gifts to our beloved ones?
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The day was first associated with romantic love in the middle ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished (Shakespeare things). In 18th century England, it evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by gifting flowers, offering sweets and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines“). In Europe, St. Valentine’s keys are given “as a romantic symbol and an invitation to unlock the giver’s heart”, as well as to children, in order to ward off St. Valentine’s difficulties. Then came the 19th century where Hallmark mass produced greeting cards and I guess civilization just bought into it – great business intuition guys, LOL…

So there we have it…February the 14th is actually an unromantic day and very much a commercially packaged money making scheme…I can hear many guys gasping a huge sigh of relief, but just because I have given you reason not to go the extra mile on this day doesn’t mean your beloved ones will excuse you as easily so tread lightly my fellow humans…

Either which way you look at this day, I strongly urge that this day is not seen as THE ONLY day to celebrate love, it should be an everyday affair… and so too with it, love should not be expressed in gifts (although it is nice) it’s the things you do, the things you say and how you make your loved ones feel…after all show me a human who does not value time spent together over a box of chocolates… or thinks more of a wrapped box than being wrapped in your loved ones arm and I will bluntly tell you that person is not human at all…
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I have always used this day to tell all my close friends and family that I love them, for I do, and I couldn’t be happier to have them all in my life.
There are so many good people in the world and they all deserve to be told they are loved and appreciated.
I hope you all have loved-filled day with your significant others, but I also hope you can find the time to drop a message to your friends and other loved ones to let them know too how very important they are.
To my friends who are reading this: I love you.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Blueberry Pancakes

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Blueberry pancakes make me happy. Blueberry pancakes from Denny’s at three in the afternoon or at midnight make me even happier. There is something magical about them. Creamy butter and sticky, sweet, syrup perfectly complementing the easy conversation being traded lightly across the table. Conversation is always easy over blueberry pancakes. You find yourself divulging some of your innermost fears over those simple disks made of flour, sugar, and fruit; the words slipping off your tongue as easily as the description of your favorite color.

Blueberry pancakes remind me of the happy times. They are an enjoyable kind of easy, like waking up early on a hot summertime morning. They are not pretentious like crepes, or heavy like French toast. They are perfect for good moods, or the perfect remedy for sad ones.

As time goes on, the responsibilities multiply and life inevitably becomes more complicated because you have more to care about. More to lose. It is important to have things like blueberry pancakes, simple pleasures that bring you happiness just in being themselves and nothing more. The small things that allow you to be present and fully appreciate the exact moment you are experiencing, drinking it in like a deep breath of cool ocean air. That moment, in its entirety, is enough. When time disappears and nothing matters except for the person sitting across from you and the perfectly made breakfast in front of you, where bedtimes are a thing to be brushed off like an annoying Nat buzzing in your ear.

Nothing invites trepidation into my soul like the fear of mediocrity. This is a dangerous fear to have, because then it becomes possible to become addicted to chaos. Appreciating the small pleasures, like breakfast at midnight or three in the afternoon, makes the commonplace seem desirable and startlingly fleeting. You have to hold on to those moments while simultaneously trying not to grasp at them too desperately, for it is that desperation which will make them disappear all the more quickly.

A point of growth comes when in realizing that these small moments of simple yet complete joy are not mediocre ones. Your existence is not merely a serious of unremarkable moments strung together, sprinkled with bright snapshots of happiness or tragedy. Life has a purpose. The small moments can turn out to be everything; they build strength, appreciation, and depth of character. These moments, the blueberry pancake moments, are when you realize that this right here is why life is worth sticking around for.

A handful of months and a few thousand dreams ago, I didn’t even know I loved blueberry pancakes. I had never sought them out, nor had I given them a second thought when browsing the breakfast menu selections. Then, one day, this ordinary breakfast item had transformed. It was now unique and special and just a little bit mine . That is how all miracles in life happen. Suddenly. Magically. Without warning. Then, your life is irreversibly altered. The trick is being patient enough to hang on, to wait for the miracles to happen.

I Love You

I don’t think you will ever fully understand how you’ve touched my life and made me who I am.hearts

I don’t think you will ever fully comprehend how you’ve made my dreams come true or how you’ve opened my heart to love and the wonders it can do. You’ve allowed me to experience something very hard to find, unconditional love that exists in my body, soul, and mind.

You are an amazing man and without you I don’t know where I’d be. Having you in my life IS the best part of my life.
You are my best friend, my amazing lover and the other half of us….just saying Thank You…

Meaning of Love

I love you means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I don’t wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I cameaning-of-lovere enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.