Inside Out


Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart


What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years, like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of my reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others, but also yourself, is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you have your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking, but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There is light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and everyday you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others, so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back in to the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

You Should Have Said Something, Anything

You should have said somethingjust-a-memory. But you didn’t. Instead you let yourself get in the way, have you Ever thought about how all of this has been on me?.. No, of course not it’s always about You.
You let it ingratiate itself, “Her pain, Your hurt” in between Us and you let go of me. You should have listened to me for once, my hurt, my side in all of this. You could have done so much but you chose to do nothing, NOTHING!
You could have said ANYTHING, SOMETHING But instead, you caved and said nothing. You straight up forgot I even existed…because if I did exist in that thick skull of yours you would have kept my words in the back of your head. You disrespected me. You showed me that all I ever was nothing to you. Was it worth it?, hurting me, does it give you back what you felt I took from you? Was it worth this? I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand you. All I know is you should have said Something.

The Scarlett Letter or being shun by your friends or worse society

Well as of today, there is still no definite answer of who did this.. but as I’ve researched there can never be a “one”, a “who” , a “person”.
Now that being said, I had to give up the pain I was reliving by the constant remembering of those hurtful words spoken to me by you and her, finding out the suspicions I had are true and now the trust that was there blindly has been lost.
I spent over 12 hours doing research and speaking with professional on this, that there can NEVER be a WHO!
The age old who did what first.. in this situation that is not so simple.
It seems that as being most diligent about myself, there is no guarantee’s that there is ever 100% anything! being told that there is a “Grey Area” of about 6 to 8 months!!! I was like then why have all these so call safety nets for you and the person you are in a relationship with.. as told by a friend~when you leave, are you 100% sure he/she is alone??
When you look someone in their eyes and ask. Those questions, you believe that what was told you was the truth but as I found out that is not what happened and I was lied to on a few occasions.
The facts are, this has marked all of us and in some way we will always be, but my issues is this.
Why lie in the first place, placing blame on me without all the facts in and then you should have made an rational decision on what should be done first but you didn’t and the total disrespect for me and showing your true self as well as hers.
If you wanted a fling? something casual?? or were you thinking about playing the player role? then as a grown ass man, you should have said No to me, us!..
If you wanted Me then you should have said NO to her.. it’s that simple.
The other mark is possibly left on all of us, well one of us is for sure is marked by this….