Some life lessons…and random thoughts

This post was going to be one about honesty and lying and how we find it so difficult to be honest. And it is still going to be…but I have come across so many other ideas that I feel I need to express and that have been sitting with me for a while now.
So, call this a life-lesson blog entry. Or a random brain fart entry. It is yet again one of those things that I need to write in order to get it out of my brain.
I need to do that every now and again when things get too crowded in there.
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Firstly, I heard a comment on a show I was watching yesterday: “Whats so complicated about being honest?”

As simple as this question sounds, it is layered with doubt and insecurity and is actually quite complex.
People lie. It is what we do. We lie to save face, we lie to protect, we lie to hide…we lie on a daily basis.
I am not talking about massive, life altering lies and if you have, then the lie must have protected a hurt or your damaged soul to have told such a lie and to the receivers ” Before you cast the first stone , look within your own closet for skeletons. I am talking about those little white lies that are so quick to form and so quick to be dispensed. One can almost understand and justify why we lie to others, but what gets me the most is that we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves on a daily basis. We tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are coping. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated the way that we are. We try and justify our actions through lies. Why? Why would you lie to yourself? It is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself! Because, in all honesty, you are hurting no one but yourself. And if you look at it that way… doesn’t that make you want to think twice about how you see yourself and your life?
I am guilty of this. I lie to myself all the time. I tell myself that I deserve to be treated like shit. I tell myself that I am not good enough to go after my hearts desires. I even tell myself that if I’m lied to, cheated on, it’s okay because I’ve lied before, it’s what I deserve…
There are so many things that I lie to myself about… because it is easier. It is easier to face a lie than what it is to deal with the truth. More often than not, the truth is harsh. It hurts and it is like a slap through the face. Stupidly enough, one of the things I have been passionately lying to myself about is that I am okay with being alone. That I am okay with being single and that I don’t want to be in a relationship.
Telling myself, I deserve the scraps of  that, so called relationships of my past have been thrown my way…What a load of bull!
I deserve the best kind of relationship. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and who is proud of me.
Proud to have me in their life.
I don’t want to be a little secret. A occasional time-filler. I deserve better than that.
That is also why I am now going to be very honest with the people in my life. I no longer have time for people who don’t make time for me.
I am tired of going out of my way for others when they don’t even give me the time of day.
People who make plans and promises and then cancel? Sorry…you’re out!
People who only contact me when it is going bad with them? I am not your psychologist.
I have people in my life who are actually in my life. People who have stuck by me and who I have stuck by, through thick and thin.
They are few, but they are quality. The rest…well the rest I am no longer going to even make an effort with.
I was promised so much by “family/friends” only to have them cancel on me because something better came along… that’s not right. And that is a lie of love for your family and a friendship.
Another thought that I wanted to write about is that of life and living and all that fun stuff. I don’t want to die knowing I did not live.
We get so caught up in work and relationships and commitments and stress that we forget to do the one thing we were created to do: Live. Even as I am writing this I know that I am guilty of this. There are moments in my life that I can say I have truly lived. But they are completely overshadowed by my absolute fear of life. I am so scared of taking that risk and doing what it is that I want to do, that I freeze and accept that this is as good as it gets. This can’t be as good as it gets. Because if it is then I demand a refund. Living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it by, constantly being broken down by people who are “superior”… They never experienced what you have been through or going through,  so you must have asked for it?!?
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Is that life? Is that how its supposed to be?
I understand that we all need to make a living. I understand that not all of life can be an adventure and extreme and fun. But what I do know…is that this is not the be all and end all for me. I deserve more than this.
I have been dealt blow after blow after blow the past few months and I am really getting sick of it now. All I am asking for, is one good thing to happen. One ray of sunshine that can light the way. I know I am a fighter and I know that I will get through whatever is thrown my way…but it would be nice if what is thrown my way is something positive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means wallowing in self pity about the way things are. I mean, I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. Its more of a…if I can just get a leg-up.
Just that little boost, then I can get out of this final layer that I have been stuck under.
I am ready for new challenges, new adventures, new opportunities. I know I have so much more to give. I know I have so much more life in me!
Fuckin’ hell! I have been through hell and back and I have come out on top and I am damn proud of that. I know I am strong.
I know I am a fighter and I know that I will conquer anything that comes my way.
But even a fighter needs the war to end some time. My war has been going on for long enough. So…even if my last ray of sunshine is simply that it catches the last of …light…and that lies and pain of my past have stolen my identity, my self and caused havoc in my life.
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Letting go. That will already be like a burst of sunshine.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Be honest. Not only with those around you, but with yourself as well.
It is scary as hell and you will probably be met with resistance and rejection and who knows what else.
But you will also be met with gratitude and respect and unexpected awesomeness (of this I am convinced).
Live. Even if all you do is take 5 minutes a day to do something that you absolutely love to do. Those 5 minutes of selfish enjoyment can go a long way.
De clutter. Remove the people in your life who suck the life out of yours.
Stop making excuses for people.
Stop giving them second, third, fourth and fifth chances. They don’t respect you or your time.
So why should you bend over backward to accommodate them when it is convenient for them?
Never stop pursuing the life you know you deserve. Never settle for mediocre, the good enough or safe… Don’t let fear rule your life.
Love. the people you love with all that you have.
And tell them that you love them.
As much as you can.
You never know when you wont be able to anymore.
Appreciate the small things. A perfectly made cup of coffee. A crested Carolina Wren singing outside your window.
A sunset after a hectic day at work. The feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn and pursuing your passion before the world starts to wake up. Dancing around to your favorite song without fear of looking like an idiot. No one looks stupid when they are doing something that they love.
Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot! Try that new sport. Dance to your own beat. Sing as loud and  horrible as you can.
Tell someone how you feel. Embrace your inner child. You will be surprised how many people are out there…just waiting for you to come out and play

Pre-Solutions for 2015

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When it comes to new years and new year resolutions I am the absolute worst. I hate making them, I hate hearing about people making them and I hate the choices that people make when choosing what they want to change and/or do.

A few years I started with “The Year Of”. This basically meant that I was going to do one thing throughout the whole year and see how it impacts my life. There has been the year of saying yes to things that scare me, the year of always having a bottle of wine in the fridge and the year of being more selfish. All of these taught me something about life, my perspective and how you can make a massive change simply by implementing one small change.

For 2015 I have quite a list that I want to get through and things I want to accomplish/attempt. The reason for me sharing this on December 31st is because I can. Nothing deep and philosophical about it. It is simply that it hit me over the weekend that I am capable of doing so much more with my life and I don’t give myself nearly enough credit for what I am able to do. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When I was in hospital last year, I started formulating this idea and this dream that I feel I am finally capable of taking on. Look, being in the hospital for the sexual assault. It was painful, to feel so completely alone, the shame and it was emotionally draining and negative to me physically, mentally and you are more often than not left with a gaping hole in your being. You feel afraid of everything and you feel shame that everyone you know will think different about you and mentally/physically you are placed into a hole filled with fear/shame/loss/anger. Where was my help? No where! for 2 months, I fell in a routine of hiding in my closet and not eating/sleeping, it wasn’t till I looked into the mirror after a shower that I saw what I looked like ( I lost 25lbs ! ) So I sought out help and found very little, but those who did reach out to me did save my life, for without them, I hate to think now what I would have done.
I started to also give hope to others of sexual assault, That being said I also know there are very little help for the victim’s. As part of my healing process I donate my time and experiences and that is also helping me with my fear of the public, meeting with people I would normally not meet with. It is scary and intimidating and I feel so incredibly alone and scared and confused and my life feels very uprooted. How did I cope? I wrote, blogged and exercise. I have a laptop, so I write about everything, went to the gym and doing yoga in my apartment whenever I got the chance and whenever I felt like I might just go insane. While doing this, it got me thinking…what if I can do this for the people in places like this? What if I could bring peace/closer/help to women of sexual assault in hospitals and psychiatric rehab/counseling centers?

Let me explain why. Writing / Blogging played a massive role in my healing process from the assault. It taught me how to be stronger mentally. It showed me that I was capable of much more than I ever gave myself credit for. There is something about pouring all of your fear, pain, anger on paper or type it on a laptop or front of women, who are loaded with pain, shame and anger and mentally preparing yourself to take those feelings and your own and show them and yourself that you can push past the pain, pull yourself up or lift others in so many number of different ways. Writing is a mental game. It forces you to get out of your comfort zone and embrace the uncomfortable and the painful and the seemingly impossible.

Now for me, writing and going to the gym/yoga has helped me physically by strengthening my body, but it also helped and taught me how to control my fears and anxiety and give emotional peace my mind, my psyche. I am mentally and emotionally stronger than I have ever been. I have control and discipline over my thoughts and feelings and I have the ability to pick myself up…and I can kick ass.

That is what I want to do…I want to get certified as a counselor and then approach various hospitals and rehab/counseling facilities and pitch my idea of bringing writing/blogging from a victim to victims as a form of therapy to those who find themselves there. Still working on a name but I definitely I want to do this and looking into.

I was speaking to a friend over the weekend, and she totally inspired me to pursue this idea. She is a assault survivor and such an inspiration! We spoke about a number of subjects over the weekend, but the one thing stood out was the idea of following your dreams and passions and taking positive risks.

This is a risk I want to take. This is something that I want to work toward and something that I want to fight for. It may not happen in this year, but I am positive that it will happen. I will make it happen. That is how passionate I am about this, this is how strongly I feel that I am being called to do this.

The other thing that I want to do more of in the coming year is to do write more . My first set of poems, I finally got the nerve to send them to a small publisher and was posted on a writers blog site last weekend and I am incredibly excited about that! Writing has always been a love of mine and I think I have finally found my inner voice that I want to share. Writing has always allowed me to express myself creatively and I leave it all on paper or blog. It is like the visual/verbal outpouring of my emotions of my thoughts.

Man, I am blessed! I have been blessed with so much and I want to share it with the world! I want to do everything to the best of my ability and be able to look back on what I have done and created and be satisfied that I didn’t hold back. Not one bit.

I want to live. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want to love. And I want to do it all with a passion that burns so bright it cannot be ignored!

I know it is going to be hard work and I know that I may fall on my ass a couple of times…but I will dust the dirt off my ass, tend to the bruises and pick myself up again and makes sure that I don’t stumble over the same obstacle again.

My ass-kicking boots are polished and ready to go!

DISTANCE

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We all know distance. It can either be literal in that point A is a certain distance from point B, or it can be figurative whereby you distance yourself from a situation or a person or a feeling/emotion.

Sometimes we all need distance. And sometimes distance sucks.

I have been trying to figure out how I am going to distance myself from a few things over the past while. Its actually quite funny…I need distance from a person, a situation and an emotion. All three different distances. From different sources. All for the same outcome: Self preservation.

The person I need distance from is someone who I am clinging on to. I know I am and I know I need to stop. I am clinging to the idea of this person, to the person who I think they are in my mind. however, if I was to be completely honest with myself then I would recognize that the person I have in my mind is not the person in question. They are created entirely out of my half truths, hopeless ideas and a series of flash emotions. Now flash emotions are perfect snippets of emotional awesomeness. They escape, showing themselves to you, and then disappear just as quick as they came. They are not lasting, just as the person who allowed them to escape is not lasting. They are not these emotions, but rather, they allow them to escape to give you just enough hope.

The situation I need distance from is complicated…I don’t really know how to approach this. But I know that it is bringing me down. I can’t be surrounded by negativity. After all the crap that I went through this year, I can’t be surrounded by people who make no effort out of their own to be better and to get better and to feel better.
They are in this constant spiral of negativity, convinced that the world owes them something and that there is no hope.
Yes, I understand that life is rough and it sucks and sometimes all you want to do is scream into a pillow…but then you do and you move on. You realize that you are stronger than you were before and you don’t let your past control you. Don’t become passively alive. Relying on others to make you happy, to give you joy and to save you.
No one is going to save you. Only YOU can save YOU. Because the harsh reality is: Everyone is out for themselves. Its called survival. No one is going to give you life if you don’t take it for yourself. I am surrounded by these people who can’t let go of the past and who let their circumstances control their happiness. STOP IT!
I am so sick and tired of hearing the same sob story over and over again with one person trying to out do the next with an even sadder sob story. With my now diagnosed PTSD-Depression (Sexual Assault ’13) and finally in therapy instead of my past treatment plan of self-medicating myself with cocaine/vodka. I know what my triggers are and one of them is if I am surrounded by negativity…I am one of those people, fighting for survival, and I will do whatever it takes to make myself better and to get better. I do not want to go down that path again and I will be damn if it is due to others bringing me down. I am at a good place in my life right now. I am happy…I don’t want to be dragged down by people who only see their pain, fear, sickness, their past. Who make their pain their life. The be all and end all of everything.

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The emotion I need to get distance from is guilt. Proper guilt. For as long as I can remember, I have been made to feel guilty about my actions. I have been made to feel guilty about liking the things that I do, doing the things that I do and being the person that I am. That’s not right.

I get to chose who I am, I get to chose what is right for me and only me. You do not know my life. You do not know my whole story and you have no right to make me feel guilty about the way in which I live my life.
I always say I have Catholic guilt even though I am not Catholic but I was raised in a Catholic/Jewish Home.
My Mother was Jewish but converted to Catholicism when she married my Father. I have been made to feel guilty because of the music I listen to, the tattoos that I love, about wearing so much makeup, my taste in clothes, about liking skulls, motorcycles, about defining my relationship with God based on my personal opinions and not those of others. I know I do not fit into your perfect little box of what you deem to be right and good and proper…but I fit perfectly into my oddly shaped basket. One that is constantly changing, moving, evolving. One that will never be confined. One that will never look like yours.

This post is possibly written out of anger and frustration due to the fact that I really just want this year to end now. I am tired of working at a job for low pay/ long hours, I am tired of the office, family and/or friend politics, I’m missing someone, living in fear of the dark, and I am just plain tired. I am missing my family and wish that I could be spending Hanukkah/Christmas with them. But I can’t, because things are the way they are and I’m here. needless to say, I am not looking forward to the Holidays and would actually like it very much if it just passed by without any pomp or ceremony. I would even go as far as to say that I would much rather spend this time on my own this year, instead of pretending that everything is okay and normal.

That’s my rant for the week. Now it is off my chest, which actually feels good. Now I can breathe again.

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Starting now.

Starting now. how

Let’s stop patting ourselves on the back for mediocrity.

Let’s brush ourselves off, accept our failures and strive for something worthy of our artistic talents instead of settling for what is safe and comfortable.

Let’s go out in ash and flame and blood and sweat instead of polite applause and shy nods of complacent approval.

Let’s leave our fucking mark.

Starting now.

Motivations/Inspirations for the New Year/New You

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I have no words for this blog, only this picture that I came across this morning…It says everything that I am thinking, everything that I am feeling and everything that I want out of life.

For this week, I want everyone and including myself to take a few moments and realize that we don’t have time for the constant “next time” responses. We don’t get a second chance in life to have another life. This is it!
There is a quote that says, “You have two lives, the second one starts when you realize that you only have one life.”

I want everyone on this small blue speck in the vast amazing, wonderful universe to take more risks, say yes too more, listen to earnestly to what people are saying and then go with your gut, Love truly, freely and deeply, give every part of you and expect the same to be given back. Don’t settle for mediocre, you were created for so much more than that.

Mediocre is not an option. In life, love, work, happiness…in any aspect of your life!
Be the amazing person that you were designed to be and do not ever, under any circumstances, apologize for being 100% you.