Something Sensible

Let’s talk about…lifeeye-makeup2

Yes, life. I seem to be getting a bit lax with the whole blogging thing, I blame this on my hectic schedule at the moment. Ag, who am I kidding! I’m just lazy and procrastinate when it comes to writing. The thing is, I realize that I have a lot to say, but what I have to say will probably be offensive to a lot of people and most certainly will be a bit too honest for most. But that’s me. I speak way too much, say way too much and more often than not I say things that people know but don’t want to hear. A lot of my friends have said that I carry my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I do. But I would rather do that than carry my heart in a safe, behind lock and key with 24hour FBI on the lookout for anyone that may or may not hurt me. I would rather be hurt a million times than not allow myself to feel anything. It’s like, I would rather fall hard than never fall at all. I’m like that though, I love extremes. It’s either one way or the other with me. There is no gray area, no middle ground, and no maybe-space. It’s either this or that and nothing in between.

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This is probably why I am still single. I’m not prepared to settle for something that isn’t 100% what I want just because I’m feeling a tad lonely or would like to have someone to spend Sunday afternoons with. And this is also probably why I work so hard. I would rather go to the gym, nearly kill myself and crawl out than waste my time pottering here and there and actually just being there for the sake of being seen. Don’t you think lots of people do that? They do things simply for the sake of being seen.

Like a lot of church going people that I know. There they are, Sunday evenings in the church. Hands raised in celebration, right in the front. They do all the charity work, go to all the events and are more at the church than at their own homes. Sounds like the perfect Christian, jew or Catholic right? Not at all. If you look closely at some of these people you can see how, when their arms are raised, they make sure everyone can see them. And you can tell, by the way, that they act, that this is just for show. They want people to see how “fantastic” they are. I’m sorry, but doesn’t that seem wrong to you? I go to church and I read my bible and I love the G%D, but I am not going to be made to feel inferior just because I’m not a showy religious nut. What I say and do, are actually the same. My life is my ministry. I don’t need everyone to see how great I am. Because what people think of me, really doesn’t matter. I could not give a flying fart in space what you think. And I am sure as hell not going to be front and center in church/temple when I know that the night before I went on a real bender and made out with half of the San Diego Football team. Yes, I have my faults and I have screwed up in the past and I probably will still screw up, but at least I’m not pretending. What you see with me, is what I am. I am that woman who likes to train like the big boys, I like rock music, not so much into rap or country, telling stupid jokes. I am me. I’m not too sure what exactly that means, but I know that I am not going to pretend to be anyone else just so that you would like me. If you don’t like me, well then good for you. You have an opinion and I respect that.

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We have all forgotten how to respect people. How to respect situations and boundaries and life. I think that is the problem. We have all lost respect for ourselves. Is it not true, that if you truly valued yourself and who you are, that you would not let people treat you the way that they do? I know I wouldn’t have. I have let people treat me like dirt, just because I thought I wasn’t worth anything more. Now, I’m sorry, but now there is no murky water where that is concerned. If you want to get to know me for me, then please do. But if you want to get to know me for what I can offer you then move along.

I am nobodies’ second choice, rebound, back-up plan, last resort, plaything or booty call. I refuse to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I deserve. I have high standards, I know I do, but I would rather have high standards than no standards. I am not that girl that is going to be happy with friends with benefits or an open relationship because I am not going to spend my time on someone that wastes mine.

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This is a rant, and I know it. I wasn’t going to rant, but rant I did. I guess it’s the culmination of everything really. I so badly want just one guy to prove to me that they aren’t all the same. The rose-colored glasses are off, and what I see…well, it ain’t that impressive or pretty. Guys: BE MEN! Please, I am begging you on behalf of all womankind. Stop believing that you are not good enough. Stop believing that you need to be this mean, lying ass player to get anywhere in life. Stop acting like a douche bag because you think it’s cool. It’s not. It’s stupid and I can see straight through it. Have followed through and stop being afraid. I see so many boys, afraid to be men.

I wish I could sit down each and every man in my life and tell them that they are capable of being great. I wish I could tell them all that they shouldn’t be afraid and that they should embrace the roles given to them. I wish I could tell them that I don’t want to be disappointed in them anymore. I wish they could step up so that I don’t have to take that step. I was made a woman, equal in different ways. I don’t want to be a man or have a man’s role in life. I have said it before, but I want to say it again. I have faith that there is a generation of men, waiting to take back their roles in society.

Give me one of those men. Give me a man, not afraid of being a man. Give me a man that can be a role model, a husband, a father and a friend. I want one of those, and I believe with all my hear he is out there. I really just don’t want him to be hiding away because he thinks he isn’t good enough.

Please hear me now: you are good enough.

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The WTF Week!

As I am sitting here, about to write this post, I am like a dead man walking. I am absolutely stressed the Fuck out after this week.

This week has been a whirlwind of stress, worry, crazy, packing and unpacking a whole lot of other things that needed to be handled.

Tomorrow I start a new week as in the Jewish Calendar  adventure by moving forward and not standing in one place. This will be not first time that I will be rewriting my own path again. This is like an old friend for me and I am very excited about this new chapter in my life!

I think, with everything that had to happen this week, I kind of hit a downer. Lets say I was a little overwhelmed. Okay, a lot overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me and I had to pull myself together…fall down 7 times, get up 8…right?

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I entered this week with an idea called the Vegas has kicked my ass but I’m going to win (It did, of course) and the first WTF was Monday. I started in the morning, but then the stress kept building by the afternoon… I improved my thoughts. One. Its not that my mind gave up, its that my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. I could see in my head how I just couldn’t handle other peoples behavior, so I do what I always do, I shutdown . I could actually see myself slowly imploding but in my heart I wanted to kick certain peoples  asses but I was the one, who’s ass got kicked.

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Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it actually hurts? You want it so badly, that you would do anything to get it. That’s how I feel about this whole Vegas thing. I so badly want to be as happy and successful here as what I know I can be. But it seems like every time I make even the slightest of progress, I get pushed back 2 steps.

I am like that nerdy kid that so badly wants to be part of the cool kids, but I am actually just the kid standing on the outside looking in. I think what makes it worse is that this is something that I really love to do and I am good at it. Success does not come easy to me here in Las Vegas and it breaks down my confidence a bit. 

Sometimes it feels like I have to try so hard, for even the slightest change. Not just with work, but with most things.

Maybe I am just throwing myself a little bit of a pity party right now…actually its not a maybe its a definite! 

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SO! Enough of that! Here are some pictures. I hope they motivate you a bit on this Friday. 

I will not give up. I just need to regroup and maybe a Hug.

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Happy Friday

Everyone is Clueless

None of us know what we are doing.

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None of us have done this before. This thing called life. There is no script, no re-runs, no preparation for what is coming, what has been and what is.

We. Are. Clueless!

How fantastic is that? I mean, just think about it. If none of us know what is going on, if none of us have any idea what to expect and how to react in the most perfect way: Then we are all together in the madness. We are all together in this mess and that is 100% awesome!

Ha! Here I am, thinking that everyone has it figured out but me. I have been obsessing over the fact that I feel like a lost fart in a perfume factory while everyone around me seems to be doing exactly the right thing. But…you’re not. You are just making the best of what has been given to you.

You are, if anything, just as much a lost fart as I am!

Halleluja! hahaha! You have no idea how great this makes me feel.

Embrace the mess. Embrace the chaos. Embrace the uncertainty.

This is life! The one and only life that we have been given and we are meant to stumble through it, bumping our head sometimes…possibly falling flat on our faces. But then there are moments…moments of pure unrivaled epicness. Moments where you sail…where you catch a beat and dance the shit out of it!

Its all part of the rhythm of life. Its all part of finding the rhythm that works for you…and even when that rhythm is a bit out or if you miss a few steps, you will find it again.

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Just keep dancing. And promise me that while you do, you will smile. Because lets face it, we are all clueless idiots each dancing to our own beat that no one else can hear.

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This is how ……..

Stress. I have stress. I am stressed. Stress and I are tight right now. Like conjoined twins tight.

Going into detail about all the things that are stressing me at this moment will be a very long list…so lets just say that there are a lot of factors contributing to the levels of stress in my life. Work, emotional, physical…just about everything. Choices that need to be made, steps that need to be taken, work that needs to be done…

So instead of listing the things that are stressing me, I am going to share with you the weird and wonderful ways in which stress…

  1. Neck spasm. I get this wonderful burning feeling that runs all the way down the left side of my body that kind of escalates in my left trap. This gives me pins and needles in my left hand. Heart attack? Wouldn’t be surprised!
  2. Severe Migraines.The simple process of breathing sends my skull with waves of crushing pain
  3. Sleep walking. Yes. This happens. The other night I fell asleep fully clothed in my bed and woke up without my pj pants on my couch. All the lights on. No idea how I got there.
  4. ADD. I cannot focus on anything. Its like there are misfires everywhere in my brain. I go from: have to buy milk, milk comes from cows, toaster toasts, skulls, oh hey look shiny! So yes…logical train of thought: Zero
  5. Water retention. I bloat like a puffer fish. I look like the Oros man. I look like the zombie in the second season of The Walking Dead that they found in the water well. My double chin rivals that of Honey Boo-Boo’s mothers!
  6. Shake it baby!  I think I get temporary case of Parkinson’s. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t hold or lift a cup of coffee to my mouth and need to use a straw to drink anything, Hot or cold.
  7. My stress spot. Eczema. There, I said it. I have this spot on the back of my head/neck that is my stress spot. And I will scratch that spot till it bleeds. Gross right?
  8. When I am not sleep walking…I am not sleeping. Insomnia. Insomnia like a BOSS. My brain will be so active I could probably write a trilogy of epic proportions…if my ADD didn’t keep me away from actually staying on one thought. So my trilogy would start with a rainbow pooping unicorn and end with a serial killer from Jamaica who’s calling card is a bag of weed and instructions to a hidden treasure.
  9. Lastly, and by no means leastly (? Yes I know I just made up a word), procrastination. Why do you think I am writing this? I have a shit ton of work to do…and yet I am writing this and pinning like a mad woman on Pinterest.

High-functioning anxiety looks like… 23c365f6af44dd8272a6b5fd1d1f9938

Over-Achievement. Hyper-Activity. Perfectionism.

When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits. below the belt sarcasm . Fast pace walking. Running my fingers through my hair.

If you look close enough, you can see it in answered text messages. Flakiness. Nervous laughter. The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

High-functioning anxiety feels like…

A snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaws shut where my shoulders meet my neck. Punch-in-the-gut stomach aches, like my body is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, You appear perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head. 

It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.

It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.

Get your act together.

Suck it up.

You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.

You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.

It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

Because how “OK” are you when a day without a plan is enough to make you crumble? When empty spaces make you spiral at the very anticipation of being alone with your thoughts? When you need to make a list to get through a Sunday: watch a show, clean your kitchen, exercise, answer five emails, read 10 pages, watch a show… ?

It’s feeling unqualified to write this piece because I’m getting by. It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you. It’s being good at conversation and bad at making close friends because you only show up when you feel “well” enough. Only text back when you feel ready. Because you’re afraid they’d hate you if they really knew you. That the energy would overwhelm them, and you’d lose them.

So you learn to reign it in. Channel it. Even though sometimes you do everything right (exercise, sleep, one TV show, five emails, 10 pages…) and you’re still left with racing thoughts, the panic. The not good enough’s.

When will it be enough?

Having anxiety means constantly managing motion that can be productive or self-destructive, depending on how much sleep you got. Depending on the day. Depending on the Earth’s alignment with Mars. Depending on…

It’s when “living with it” means learning how to sit with it. Practicing staying in bed a little longer. Challenging the mean, unrelenting voices that say you’re only worth what you produced that day.

It means learning how to say, “I need help.” Trying to take care of yourself without the guilt. It means every once in a while, confiding in a friend. It means sometimes showing up even when you’re scared.

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

It’s fighting against your own need to constantly prove your right to exist in this world.

It’s learning how to validate your own feelings. That even though you don’t feel like you’re enough, and you’ll never be enough, it’s knowing you’re at least anxious enough to benefit from help. That admitting you need it doesn’t confirm voices’ lies. That taking a break doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety, in your weaknesses. It’s trying to let the energy inspire you, instead of bring you down. It’s forgiving yourself when it wins.

It’s a way to live, with this constant companion. Your bullying twin. Collapsible luggage you can bury away at a moment’s notice. Shove it under the bed. Pretend it’s not there until you can’t fit anymore. Until you can no longer ignore it. Until you have to face it.

A first good step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?

Either way, it’s not a noble way to suffer. It’s not a “better” way to be anxious. Just because you’re “functioning” doesn’t always mean you’re happy. And just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean you shouldn’t slow down, breathe and take one damn second to be happy the way things are.

In this very moment.

This quiet, short moment.

To remember the peace you found in that second of silence, until the electricity starts again, and you’re forced to move.

So this is how I stress…and currently I have all the symptoms. At least I can still laugh! Even if that laugh is slightly manic and leaning toward the hysterical nature of The Joker (circa Health Ledger/ Jared Leto). But hey…that’s why they have wine! And the gym…yoga helps….

Now let me get my shit together and get some work done…oh look, a bird

Intuitions

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life~Albert Camus, Youthful Writings.

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Lessons I’ve learnt so far…

Life-List

Sometimes I lie in bed and do mental lists. Lists of things I love, things I want to do, places I want to visit, people I want to see and things I hate.

Life is an endless list and my head is a constantly moving slideshow. So in the true spirit of list making, I thought I’d do a list of the top 70 plus things I love, hate, fear, dream of and me… it’s all here from chihuahua loving to the adamant hater of ignorance . So here begins my list:

1. In my heart of hearts, I am a hopeless romantic.

2. I dream of a better tomorrow for me, for the world I live in and for those who have not yet experienced the beauty of life.

3. When I hear anything from Justin Beiber, it makes me feel like nails on a caulk board moment.

4. I really don’t like minestrone soup.

5. My favorite time of day is sunset. I love sunrise, but I’m always at work to greet it.

6. I do sing in the shower and it’s horribly bad.

7. Sometimes I have waking dreams about how I want my life to look.

8. Salted Caramel is like the best invention…EVER!

9. I have nightmares

10. I am terrible at parallel parking.

11. I find it hard to care about people easily, but when I do I am faithful to a fault.

12. I love pigs but I wont eat them.

13. I hate cooked spinach.

14. There isn’t a day that doesn’t goes by that I’m not happy.

15. I love to laugh – laughter is supposed to be the cure for most things.

16. I’m afraid of the dark.

17. I am really impatient, but it’s something that I am working on.

18. I have a fear that I will never find love again.

19. At one point in my life, I owned over 300 pairs of shoes.

20. I love it when Pandora is on random play and you come across a song that you haven’t heard in forever and it makes you smile.

21. I hate to be misunderstood by others.

22. I’ve finally shared my secret, that held me in fear for over twenty years.

23. I love my family.

24. My heart was broken to the point that I thought it would never heal, not only by someone I loved but someone who I thought was a true friend.

25. I love orgasms, but really who doesn’t.

26. I hate cowards.

27. I cry at sad movies.

28. I believe that emoticons should be used in all forms of non-corporate communication, to avoid confusion and misunderstanding! 🙂

29. I love hippo’s.

30. I like to watch cartoons

31. I once hand fed a giraffe and it was awesome!

32. I love candles that smell like the ocean.

33. I don’t believe that anything can be solved with violence. Even if I have been so mad that I could just….

34. I’ve read all the holy books from the 3 main religions.

35. I watched, “Old Yeller” and it made me cry openly.

36. I am very loyal.

37. I miss dancing. I used to dance all the time and now I feel silly.

38. I live in an age of blogging, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram… I missed the time when we connected more face to face and now it’s all digitize and yet I feel more alone then I ever did.

39. Sometimes I’m overly sarcastic!

40. I’m overly confident.

41. I love getting a manicure/pedicure.

42. I can make lasagna from scratch.

43. I can also make cupcakes from scratch – NO box crap for me!

44. I like sunflowers.

45. I like Daniel Craig’s ~James Bond~come on, you knew I was going there!

46. I love the colors from Coral to Orange.

47. I love poetry and prose.

48. I enjoy a good mental challenge.

49. I like hugs and cuddles – it’s nice to feel connected.

50. Cod is probably my least favorite seafood.

51. My heart is very fragile and I often wear it on my sleeve.

52. I hate creamed corn.

53. Coleslaw on a burger is awesome!

54. I am constantly waging a war of over-analyzing “Everything” in my mind.

55. I have a fear of failure.

56. I love the movie, Hotel Transylvania!

57. Middle Eastern food is so delicious!

58. I love Falafel and Baba ghanoush!

59. I have an incredible memory and it frightens me.

60. I love the bohemian 70’s~Peace, Love, Freedom.

61. I like the word “Serendipity”. I think it is melodious.

62. I love being near the beach.

63. I enjoy reading.

65. My favorite pair of shoes is actually flip flops.

66. Ignorance make me angry and frustrated.

67. I love to find happiness within everyday life.

68. My favorite song at the moment is I feel Eternal, by Speck Mountain.

69. I cook from the heart.

70. I dream that I could give up my day job and follow my dream.

71. I am passionate about personal and social change, they go hand in hand.

72. I fear those who are close-minded.

73. My guilty pleasure is chocolate-covered gummy bears.

74. A walrus once slobbered on me.

75. I really love reading.

76. I like the color pink.

77. Tulips, Tiger Lilies, Orchids are some of my favorite flowers.

78. I love Chihuahuas~mostly my baby~Spike.

I am Me!