Starting now.

Starting now. how

Let’s stop patting ourselves on the back for mediocrity.

Let’s brush ourselves off, accept our failures and strive for something worthy of our artistic talents instead of settling for what is safe and comfortable.

Let’s go out in ash and flame and blood and sweat instead of polite applause and shy nods of complacent approval.

Let’s leave our fucking mark.

Starting now.


What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years, like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of my reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others, but also yourself, is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you have your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking, but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There is light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and everyday you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others, so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back in to the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

Pursue Satisfaction!


What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
What is that one thing that you long to do more than anything?
What does your heart yearn for?

Chances are…you aren’t doing it. Chances are you are too afraid to admit to it. Chances are…you are too scared of leaving the known and taking the leap into the unknown to pursue your passion.

I know thats what I am doing. I am hiding in my job, with the excuse that its a paycheck and it beats being homeless and hungry and I need to use my common sense because there are bills to pay, roof over my head, food in my stomach. That, and I am shit scared. I am terrified of actually taking that leap and doing what I love because I am so incredibly scared of failure that it is crippling me.

So what do I do? I tell myself that I’m not good at it anyways, so it will never work. I convince myself that I do not have what it takes to make such a massive life decision in search and pursuit of what I really want. It makes it easier then to wake up in the mornings and go to work. Every damn day. Working for the weekends. Working between my morning and evening jobs, yes, I have 2 jobs a 40 hour a week and 20-25 a week. Working towards someday maybe possibly earning enough money to actually survive and (fingers crossed) maybe have some savings. A new car would be great. Loving what I do would be even better.

What is it that I want to do? Everything! I want to finish the “book” I am writing and attempt to get it published. I want to tell my story and give inspiration to other women who have been victims of rape/ sexual assault publically and maybe counseling victims. I want to get my Counseling certificate in Psychology. I want to help heal women and teach them to not be afraid and reach their full potential. Heal Mind, body and soul!
I want to get into fitness modeling because, well, I just think its pretty damn badass and I know that I can do it.
I love the gym and body building is a perfect way for the broken to heal by molding herself and seeing the strength she already has.
I don’t want to sit behind a computer the whole day, wishing the hours past. I don’t want to work in a thankless dead-end career. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive…

Fear is holding me back. Fear and my deep rooted teachings that you must not stand out. You must not go against the grain. You must be a good little girl and follow all the rules to a T. Does that sound like me to anyone? Not in any lifetime will that ever be me!

In order to conquer my fears, I have set out a plan of action. I am not going to go jump into the deep end all balls to the wall. I am going to gradually ease into it and work my way to the deep end.

Firstly: I am going to finish and post the past series of journals, blog entries and poem’s and short stories that I have written or I am still working on and do some more volunteering/workshops/meetings with women/teens who are victims of sexual assault/rape and/or homeless or forgotten by society and look for an organization/online platform to share/speak for or with them.
Secondly: I am going to send out my resume to various public/state organization’s and see what the feedback is like for above said job or position/volunteering.
Thirdly: I am going to speak up for myself, yell my story to the world, no more lying to others or myself about ME, what happened, the why, when, where, and mostly WHO.
I’m going to work my ass off! I do that already, but now I want to be fearless, passionate about it.

My life has reached a point where I am very unhappy when I am at work. I don’t look forward to waking up at 3:50am every morning because I know that I am getting up to go to a job I hate. I look forward to leaving work at 2:00pm if I’m not working the other job, sitting on the bus with the headphones on and the music up loud, blocking out the world, so that I can head to my little apt to spend my night with my daughter and my little dog, watching TV, blogging, and just laughing the night away.
I would love to have a job that gave me the opportunity help teach/heal someone and to see them progress and become more confident, stronger in their lives.
I want to pursue my love of archaeology, to be in some distant land unearthing the past, something that the eyes of the past only gazed upon many thousands’ of years ago, that would give me the second greatest joy next to having giving birth to my daughters.
Why would you not want to pursue something like that? Why would you take yourself away from what you love?

I know many may say that that is life. That you can’t have it all. Well…screw that! I want it all!
I deserve it all! I am not going to live the same day for 75 years and call that a life.
I refuse to get stuck. I refuse to settle and I refuse to not love what I do. You spend majority of your life working…so why hate it? Why be unsatisfied?

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you feel you need to escape. You shouldn’t ever have a life that you want to escape from.

And that is my life at this moment. I feel like I want to escape from it. Run away to some far away coast, become a bartender at a sketchy beach bar at night and then spend my days surfing and making fun of the 9-5’ers and writing. In a place where no one knows me, where no one can find me.
You shouldn’t want to run away from your life. From you.

That is my goal for the remainder of this year and to be completed by next year and this is my accountability post. By the end of next year, I must love what I do. Be it working, writing, coaching and not be doing what I am doing now. By next year end I must be in love with a career or something that provides me with financial stability. I must not want to run away from it, wish it away or dream about anything else. What I end up doing by the end of the following year must be the best thing to have ever happened to me career wise.

This is my day one. This is where I begin my challenge. This is where I start my search for a career that I am 100% head-over-heals in love with and finally be free of my fear of my own past.

My Return…..

Good people, I’ve returned from the wilderness of solitude of many weeks in absentia. Only half of my ample brain appears cogent, but return it shall!