Smile and Wave

Reality hit in the form of a friend of mine who is very direct. Very logical. And although I hate to admit it…very right.

The past while has not been good, I have not felt good and I could feel the darkness that I have fought off for 3 years starting to creep back in.

Despondent. That’s what I was. Still am a little bit…but I now have perspective on the whole situation.

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I was focusing so much on the future, on the uncertainty of my future and on the current situation that felt like it was swallowing me whole. I could not make head or tails of anything and it felt like everything was bearing down on me all at once. It’s a scary place to be in, when you actually can’t even make the decision between coffee or tea, a bath or a shower, eating or not eating. Small decisions become these impossible mountains that you cannot even fathom climbing.

But then you do. You get someone to slap you thoroughly in the face and make you realize that you are okay. That you are coping and that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you thought you were.

Yes, I still cry and feel weak and barely sleep because I am too afraid of the nightmares… but I have perspective.

One thing that this friend said to me that made a lot of sense is this: Look at the relationship where the information is coming from that is upsetting you and evaluate accordingly. She mentioned the following example: If say, you were driving, and the beggar next to the street calls you a whore because you do not give them money…does that really matter? Should it upset you? If, however, your mother or a really close friend calls you a whore…well…then it has a lot more power doesn’t it?

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Don’t allow people who actually mean nothing to you the power to bring you down. To make you doubt yourself and who you are as a person. Evaluate your relationship with them, and react accordingly .

I was allowing people to speak negativity into my life, and I started believing it. The negativity was drowning me, consuming every part of me…and I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I wanted to die…or run away…or simply disappear.

Not that I now no longer feel like I am drowning, I still am, but I have come up for air. My lungs are still burning from the salt water, my body still feels like it has been to war and my mind…well my mind is exhausted. But, I am getting there…every battle I fight, every difficulty I face, every impossible situation I find myself in is making me stronger. The future me at least. The current me does not feel so strong, but I will fake it till I make it!

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My new outlook is to evaluate, breathe, calm myself down and then smile. I may be crying while I am smiling, but I will keep smiling. I will keep treating people with kindness and respect and the way that they deserve to be treated. The way that I would want to be treated, even if they do not deserve it. I refuse to drop down to someone else ‘s level. 

I refuse to become negative, bitter, hateful and petty.

It is not who I am and it is not who I want to be.

Come at me world! But maybe…just give me five minute’s

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Pre-Solutions for 2015

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When it comes to new years and new year resolutions I am the absolute worst. I hate making them, I hate hearing about people making them and I hate the choices that people make when choosing what they want to change and/or do.

A few years I started with “The Year Of”. This basically meant that I was going to do one thing throughout the whole year and see how it impacts my life. There has been the year of saying yes to things that scare me, the year of always having a bottle of wine in the fridge and the year of being more selfish. All of these taught me something about life, my perspective and how you can make a massive change simply by implementing one small change.

For 2015 I have quite a list that I want to get through and things I want to accomplish/attempt. The reason for me sharing this on December 31st is because I can. Nothing deep and philosophical about it. It is simply that it hit me over the weekend that I am capable of doing so much more with my life and I don’t give myself nearly enough credit for what I am able to do. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When I was in hospital last year, I started formulating this idea and this dream that I feel I am finally capable of taking on. Look, being in the hospital for the sexual assault. It was painful, to feel so completely alone, the shame and it was emotionally draining and negative to me physically, mentally and you are more often than not left with a gaping hole in your being. You feel afraid of everything and you feel shame that everyone you know will think different about you and mentally/physically you are placed into a hole filled with fear/shame/loss/anger. Where was my help? No where! for 2 months, I fell in a routine of hiding in my closet and not eating/sleeping, it wasn’t till I looked into the mirror after a shower that I saw what I looked like ( I lost 25lbs ! ) So I sought out help and found very little, but those who did reach out to me did save my life, for without them, I hate to think now what I would have done.
I started to also give hope to others of sexual assault, That being said I also know there are very little help for the victim’s. As part of my healing process I donate my time and experiences and that is also helping me with my fear of the public, meeting with people I would normally not meet with. It is scary and intimidating and I feel so incredibly alone and scared and confused and my life feels very uprooted. How did I cope? I wrote, blogged and exercise. I have a laptop, so I write about everything, went to the gym and doing yoga in my apartment whenever I got the chance and whenever I felt like I might just go insane. While doing this, it got me thinking…what if I can do this for the people in places like this? What if I could bring peace/closer/help to women of sexual assault in hospitals and psychiatric rehab/counseling centers?

Let me explain why. Writing / Blogging played a massive role in my healing process from the assault. It taught me how to be stronger mentally. It showed me that I was capable of much more than I ever gave myself credit for. There is something about pouring all of your fear, pain, anger on paper or type it on a laptop or front of women, who are loaded with pain, shame and anger and mentally preparing yourself to take those feelings and your own and show them and yourself that you can push past the pain, pull yourself up or lift others in so many number of different ways. Writing is a mental game. It forces you to get out of your comfort zone and embrace the uncomfortable and the painful and the seemingly impossible.

Now for me, writing and going to the gym/yoga has helped me physically by strengthening my body, but it also helped and taught me how to control my fears and anxiety and give emotional peace my mind, my psyche. I am mentally and emotionally stronger than I have ever been. I have control and discipline over my thoughts and feelings and I have the ability to pick myself up…and I can kick ass.

That is what I want to do…I want to get certified as a counselor and then approach various hospitals and rehab/counseling facilities and pitch my idea of bringing writing/blogging from a victim to victims as a form of therapy to those who find themselves there. Still working on a name but I definitely I want to do this and looking into.

I was speaking to a friend over the weekend, and she totally inspired me to pursue this idea. She is a assault survivor and such an inspiration! We spoke about a number of subjects over the weekend, but the one thing stood out was the idea of following your dreams and passions and taking positive risks.

This is a risk I want to take. This is something that I want to work toward and something that I want to fight for. It may not happen in this year, but I am positive that it will happen. I will make it happen. That is how passionate I am about this, this is how strongly I feel that I am being called to do this.

The other thing that I want to do more of in the coming year is to do write more . My first set of poems, I finally got the nerve to send them to a small publisher and was posted on a writers blog site last weekend and I am incredibly excited about that! Writing has always been a love of mine and I think I have finally found my inner voice that I want to share. Writing has always allowed me to express myself creatively and I leave it all on paper or blog. It is like the visual/verbal outpouring of my emotions of my thoughts.

Man, I am blessed! I have been blessed with so much and I want to share it with the world! I want to do everything to the best of my ability and be able to look back on what I have done and created and be satisfied that I didn’t hold back. Not one bit.

I want to live. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want to love. And I want to do it all with a passion that burns so bright it cannot be ignored!

I know it is going to be hard work and I know that I may fall on my ass a couple of times…but I will dust the dirt off my ass, tend to the bruises and pick myself up again and makes sure that I don’t stumble over the same obstacle again.

My ass-kicking boots are polished and ready to go!

What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

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Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years, like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of my reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others, but also yourself, is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you have your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking, but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There is light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and everyday you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others, so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back in to the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

Motivations/Inspirations for the New Year/New You

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I have no words for this blog, only this picture that I came across this morning…It says everything that I am thinking, everything that I am feeling and everything that I want out of life.

For this week, I want everyone and including myself to take a few moments and realize that we don’t have time for the constant “next time” responses. We don’t get a second chance in life to have another life. This is it!
There is a quote that says, “You have two lives, the second one starts when you realize that you only have one life.”

I want everyone on this small blue speck in the vast amazing, wonderful universe to take more risks, say yes too more, listen to earnestly to what people are saying and then go with your gut, Love truly, freely and deeply, give every part of you and expect the same to be given back. Don’t settle for mediocre, you were created for so much more than that.

Mediocre is not an option. In life, love, work, happiness…in any aspect of your life!
Be the amazing person that you were designed to be and do not ever, under any circumstances, apologize for being 100% you.