Smile and Wave

Reality hit in the form of a friend of mine who is very direct. Very logical. And although I hate to admit it…very right.

The past while has not been good, I have not felt good and I could feel the darkness that I have fought off for 3 years starting to creep back in.

Despondent. That’s what I was. Still am a little bit…but I now have perspective on the whole situation.

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I was focusing so much on the future, on the uncertainty of my future and on the current situation that felt like it was swallowing me whole. I could not make head or tails of anything and it felt like everything was bearing down on me all at once. It’s a scary place to be in, when you actually can’t even make the decision between coffee or tea, a bath or a shower, eating or not eating. Small decisions become these impossible mountains that you cannot even fathom climbing.

But then you do. You get someone to slap you thoroughly in the face and make you realize that you are okay. That you are coping and that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you thought you were.

Yes, I still cry and feel weak and barely sleep because I am too afraid of the nightmares… but I have perspective.

One thing that this friend said to me that made a lot of sense is this: Look at the relationship where the information is coming from that is upsetting you and evaluate accordingly. She mentioned the following example: If say, you were driving, and the beggar next to the street calls you a whore because you do not give them money…does that really matter? Should it upset you? If, however, your mother or a really close friend calls you a whore…well…then it has a lot more power doesn’t it?

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Don’t allow people who actually mean nothing to you the power to bring you down. To make you doubt yourself and who you are as a person. Evaluate your relationship with them, and react accordingly .

I was allowing people to speak negativity into my life, and I started believing it. The negativity was drowning me, consuming every part of me…and I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I wanted to die…or run away…or simply disappear.

Not that I now no longer feel like I am drowning, I still am, but I have come up for air. My lungs are still burning from the salt water, my body still feels like it has been to war and my mind…well my mind is exhausted. But, I am getting there…every battle I fight, every difficulty I face, every impossible situation I find myself in is making me stronger. The future me at least. The current me does not feel so strong, but I will fake it till I make it!

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My new outlook is to evaluate, breathe, calm myself down and then smile. I may be crying while I am smiling, but I will keep smiling. I will keep treating people with kindness and respect and the way that they deserve to be treated. The way that I would want to be treated, even if they do not deserve it. I refuse to drop down to someone else ‘s level. 

I refuse to become negative, bitter, hateful and petty.

It is not who I am and it is not who I want to be.

Come at me world! But maybe…just give me five minute’s

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Small talk and ramble musings

I hate small talk. I want to talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities and fears. I like people with depth, who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know “what’s up? “.