Luna~Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tear’s

359a42d0d5aa2de76ada4c05ebbf0658

A while ago I was cast as a hair model for my hairdresser, a good friend of mine.

Her whole theme behind the shoot was one of the universe and all the planets and their characteristics.

I was chosen to be the moon…which, when you look at what the moon represents, it is very much who I am as a person and the fact I was born in June.

The Moon represents our deepest personal needs, our basic habits and reactions, and our unconscious.

Where the Sun acts, the Moon reacts. How do we instinctively react or respond to problems? What do we feel we need for a sense of security?

The Moon is associated with the mother and with feminine energy in general. The Moon is both our inner child and our inner mother. It is responsive, receptive, and reflective. The Moon is our spontaneous and instinctual reactions.

Just as the Moon circles the Sun, in a symbolically protective manner, and reflects the Sun’s light, the Moon shows how we protect ourselves, as well as make ourselves feel secure, comfortable, and safe.

We can also think of the Moon as that which gives us animation. It rules rhythmic ebb and flow of activity and energy. The Moon is a mediator between the inner world and the outer world. While the Sun is rational, the Moon is irrational. Habitual behaviors and prejudices are ruled by the Moon. Prejudices may not be acted out, as our Sun may censor them, but the Moon rules our spontaneous reactions and feelings.

“Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears” are the thoughts of your Moon’s nature. The wordless ecstasy, the mute sorrow, the secret dream, the esoteric picture of yourself that you can’t get across to the world, or which the world doesn’t comprehend or value. Modes of expression that you feel are truly your deepest self belong to the Moon: art, letters, creative work of any kind; sometimes love; sometimes business. Whatever you feel is most deeply yourself, whether or not you are able to do anything about it in the outer world, is the product of your Moon.

When we are “acting out” our Moon, we are imaginative, creative, intuitive, sentimental, adaptable, introspective, and protective. On the negative side, we can be moody, restless, and irrational.

When I went and researched the moon and the role it plays in the solar system as a whole, I saw more and more of myself in it. I am a Moon.

And I would not have it any other way.

DISTANCE

long-distance-relationship

We all know distance. It can either be literal in that point A is a certain distance from point B, or it can be figurative whereby you distance yourself from a situation or a person or a feeling/emotion.

Sometimes we all need distance. And sometimes distance sucks.

I have been trying to figure out how I am going to distance myself from a few things over the past while. Its actually quite funny…I need distance from a person, a situation and an emotion. All three different distances. From different sources. All for the same outcome: Self preservation.

The person I need distance from is someone who I am clinging on to. I know I am and I know I need to stop. I am clinging to the idea of this person, to the person who I think they are in my mind. however, if I was to be completely honest with myself then I would recognize that the person I have in my mind is not the person in question. They are created entirely out of my half truths, hopeless ideas and a series of flash emotions. Now flash emotions are perfect snippets of emotional awesomeness. They escape, showing themselves to you, and then disappear just as quick as they came. They are not lasting, just as the person who allowed them to escape is not lasting. They are not these emotions, but rather, they allow them to escape to give you just enough hope.

The situation I need distance from is complicated…I don’t really know how to approach this. But I know that it is bringing me down. I can’t be surrounded by negativity. After all the crap that I went through this year, I can’t be surrounded by people who make no effort out of their own to be better and to get better and to feel better.
They are in this constant spiral of negativity, convinced that the world owes them something and that there is no hope.
Yes, I understand that life is rough and it sucks and sometimes all you want to do is scream into a pillow…but then you do and you move on. You realize that you are stronger than you were before and you don’t let your past control you. Don’t become passively alive. Relying on others to make you happy, to give you joy and to save you.
No one is going to save you. Only YOU can save YOU. Because the harsh reality is: Everyone is out for themselves. Its called survival. No one is going to give you life if you don’t take it for yourself. I am surrounded by these people who can’t let go of the past and who let their circumstances control their happiness. STOP IT!
I am so sick and tired of hearing the same sob story over and over again with one person trying to out do the next with an even sadder sob story. With my now diagnosed PTSD-Depression (Sexual Assault ’13) and finally in therapy instead of my past treatment plan of self-medicating myself with cocaine/vodka. I know what my triggers are and one of them is if I am surrounded by negativity…I am one of those people, fighting for survival, and I will do whatever it takes to make myself better and to get better. I do not want to go down that path again and I will be damn if it is due to others bringing me down. I am at a good place in my life right now. I am happy…I don’t want to be dragged down by people who only see their pain, fear, sickness, their past. Who make their pain their life. The be all and end all of everything.

bg

The emotion I need to get distance from is guilt. Proper guilt. For as long as I can remember, I have been made to feel guilty about my actions. I have been made to feel guilty about liking the things that I do, doing the things that I do and being the person that I am. That’s not right.

I get to chose who I am, I get to chose what is right for me and only me. You do not know my life. You do not know my whole story and you have no right to make me feel guilty about the way in which I live my life.
I always say I have Catholic guilt even though I am not Catholic but I was raised in a Catholic/Jewish Home.
My Mother was Jewish but converted to Catholicism when she married my Father. I have been made to feel guilty because of the music I listen to, the tattoos that I love, about wearing so much makeup, my taste in clothes, about liking skulls, motorcycles, about defining my relationship with God based on my personal opinions and not those of others. I know I do not fit into your perfect little box of what you deem to be right and good and proper…but I fit perfectly into my oddly shaped basket. One that is constantly changing, moving, evolving. One that will never be confined. One that will never look like yours.

This post is possibly written out of anger and frustration due to the fact that I really just want this year to end now. I am tired of working at a job for low pay/ long hours, I am tired of the office, family and/or friend politics, I’m missing someone, living in fear of the dark, and I am just plain tired. I am missing my family and wish that I could be spending Hanukkah/Christmas with them. But I can’t, because things are the way they are and I’m here. needless to say, I am not looking forward to the Holidays and would actually like it very much if it just passed by without any pomp or ceremony. I would even go as far as to say that I would much rather spend this time on my own this year, instead of pretending that everything is okay and normal.

That’s my rant for the week. Now it is off my chest, which actually feels good. Now I can breathe again.

Save

Love is not a piece of cake. 

That’s the lesson I am learning these days. The other lesson I am learning these days is this: when life has a lesson you are clearly meant to learn, the whole entire world shows up to teach it to you. You get reminders of the lesson in songs. In traffic signs. In conversations. In strangers. Everywhere, through everything, the world shows up to teach you good. And it seems as though life beats that little lesson into you until you hold up your hands in exasperation and say, “Okay. I get it. I’ll learn this. I won’t ignore it any longer. We good? We good?”

Love is not a piece of cake. th

Yea, that’s the lesson. And I don’t even mean that to play on a metaphor. I just mean, love is not some sugary, empty thing that looks surface-level pretty but fails to keep you full. If you keep meeting that sort of love then I think maybe you’re meeting an imposter. Some other thing dressed up and pretending to be love. Take caution, I’m no expert. I’m not someone who is going to yell in your face and tell you about the love you deserve. I’m just going to take off my own mask and finally admit it: I’ve worshipped the wrong definition of love for far too long. There was a strange kind of comfort in worshipping my own definition of love— it meant it could never hurt me, control me, surprise me or wreck me. My own definition of love let me be in charge of hurting, controlling, surprising and wrecking myself first.

Love, to me, was this script on repeat:

“Win people. Be worthwhile. Be the one that people want to love. Do what it takes to please them.”

And if someone came to me and said, “Listen, we need to borrow your definition of love. We want to print it in all the dictionaries,” then I would need to pity the world who would have to try to live inside my definition.
Because love, to me, was green eyes that stopped looking in my direction.
Love, to me, was begging to my own strength to try to get it all right.
Love to me was hearing scriptures like “love your neighbor as yourself” and laughing as I whispered, “That’s so funny. I barely even like myself.”

Love was promises we could not keep. Love was disappointment. And walls built up to keep me safe.
Love was moats around castles. It was writing notes to ghosts. It was hinging my worth on being chosen.
Love is all I ever wanted and the one thing I still feel too insecure to admit:
I don’t want it.
I need it.

What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

img_3721
Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years, like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of my reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others, but also yourself, is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you have your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking, but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There is light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and everyday you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others, so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back in to the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

Blueberry Pancakes

blueberrypancakes2
Blueberry pancakes make me happy. Blueberry pancakes from Denny’s at three in the afternoon or at midnight make me even happier. There is something magical about them. Creamy butter and sticky, sweet, syrup perfectly complementing the easy conversation being traded lightly across the table. Conversation is always easy over blueberry pancakes. You find yourself divulging some of your innermost fears over those simple disks made of flour, sugar, and fruit; the words slipping off your tongue as easily as the description of your favorite color.

Blueberry pancakes remind me of the happy times. They are an enjoyable kind of easy, like waking up early on a hot summertime morning. They are not pretentious like crepes, or heavy like French toast. They are perfect for good moods, or the perfect remedy for sad ones.

As time goes on, the responsibilities multiply and life inevitably becomes more complicated because you have more to care about. More to lose. It is important to have things like blueberry pancakes, simple pleasures that bring you happiness just in being themselves and nothing more. The small things that allow you to be present and fully appreciate the exact moment you are experiencing, drinking it in like a deep breath of cool ocean air. That moment, in its entirety, is enough. When time disappears and nothing matters except for the person sitting across from you and the perfectly made breakfast in front of you, where bedtimes are a thing to be brushed off like an annoying Nat buzzing in your ear.

Nothing invites trepidation into my soul like the fear of mediocrity. This is a dangerous fear to have, because then it becomes possible to become addicted to chaos. Appreciating the small pleasures, like breakfast at midnight or three in the afternoon, makes the commonplace seem desirable and startlingly fleeting. You have to hold on to those moments while simultaneously trying not to grasp at them too desperately, for it is that desperation which will make them disappear all the more quickly.

A point of growth comes when in realizing that these small moments of simple yet complete joy are not mediocre ones. Your existence is not merely a serious of unremarkable moments strung together, sprinkled with bright snapshots of happiness or tragedy. Life has a purpose. The small moments can turn out to be everything; they build strength, appreciation, and depth of character. These moments, the blueberry pancake moments, are when you realize that this right here is why life is worth sticking around for.

A handful of months and a few thousand dreams ago, I didn’t even know I loved blueberry pancakes. I had never sought them out, nor had I given them a second thought when browsing the breakfast menu selections. Then, one day, this ordinary breakfast item had transformed. It was now unique and special and just a little bit mine . That is how all miracles in life happen. Suddenly. Magically. Without warning. Then, your life is irreversibly altered. The trick is being patient enough to hang on, to wait for the miracles to happen.