Come on over, Baby or Not

It would seem that I had epiphany while I was in the bath.. Maybe it is the gentle swooshing of the water, maybe it is the soothing smell of the bubble bath or maybe it is the echo of my singing in the bathroom. Bathrooms have great acoustics…and for the non-gifted singers like me, this is fantastic! So this particular 20/20 vision, “Ah-ha” moment was to do with the style in which we date these days.
We don’t.
We have forgotten how to date and how to behave on dates. I have spoken about dating behavior in a previous post, so I am not going to go into that all that much here. This has more to do with the build up toward meeting someone. Especially if it is the first time that you will be meeting them.
When did it become acceptable to invite someone over to your house on the first date (And I am not talking about coffee after the date)? When did it become acceptable to stop whoo-ing someone and just “hang-out”
We have become a generation of lazy, ill-mannered, selfish daters. Look, I am all for hanging out and playing guitar hero or binge watching series or simply talking for hours on the couch with some good wine. But not on a first date, or even possible a second and third date.

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I want to be whoo-ed. I want to be able to get dressed up and go out and do something exciting. I want to feel like I am special and beautiful and that the person taking me out values me enough to want to show me off in a way or to make an effort to show me a good time. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about money. I am not one to talk when it comes to money…partly because I generally have none. Its more about putting thought and effort into something. Its about making someone who you are supposedly interested in feel special.
I do it. I make effort for someone who I care about and want to get to know. I do the whole spoiling thing and I love it! It gives me great satisfaction to make someone else happy, because seeing them happy makes me happy.
This whole thing of immediately just hanging out at one or the others house is not on…I don’t want to feel like you are hiding me or that you simply do not care enough to make actual plans or that you want me in your house for one reason only.
In the past I have written a lot about settling and how you shouldn’t do it…and then I realized that I was doing exactly that. I was settling for a standard of dating that was below me. That stops now. I am not saying that I am going to set a 4-date minimum before we hang out at someones house, but I am saying that I am not going to settle for anything less than someone who actually makes an effort to spoil me and make me feel special. I can guarantee you now, if you do that, then you have already made a huge impression! Besides, I love spoiling people and doing little things to make them feel special…why? It is my way of showing how much I care.
I am reaching an age where I am tired of games, I am tired of dealing with these men that keep creeping out of the woodwork who are not nearly close to what I deserve. I am tired of being a player in someone else’s game without even knowing that I am. I have dated a lot of guys, or rather, I have been on my fair share of dates…and there has only been maybe 1 or 2 where I actually felt like this guy made an effort.
I am not the woman that would not pester you with constant, “Hello” texts at 10 p.m.
I am not the woman that is going to constantly drive all the way to your house to see you.
I am not the woman who you can booty call, hide away or use only when it suites you.
For now, this is my story. I am currently so busy to actually date anyone what with work and my goals and my therapy, and that is completely perfect with me! I am happy with where I am right now. I know I am being a bit selfish, but I would like to find a man that can change this plot line and rewrite a joint story with me.
The title would be You, Me then Us, so until then maybe in a month or two from now someone will come along and want to take me out and then I will read this back to myself again just to remind myself of what I deserve… and also that I must never settle.
I have to admit that I have actually been fairly lucky with regards to this since I’ve “re-started” dating over the past weeks. I don’t think I ever got the 1 a.m.“what are you up to?” text, and men generally put an effort in our dates (varying degrees of effort…but still). Having said that, I find that they slip into the “want to come over?” attitude after date 3 or 4, which is generally when I cut it because I don’t like this attitude…does anyone have idea of how to slow this down? How to make them understand that there will be no “come over” unless there is a proper date before that at least until we are a few weeks or even months into dating?
(we could go for dinner/drinks/lunch/run/museum/theater…anything!…and THEN we could end the evening at someone’s place).
I am glad that someone out there is getting good dates and the good men behind them…very encouraging. I should possibly reconsider the type I go for, or go for someone completely different.As for the slowing down of the come~on~over…
I have no idea! It’s as if we have become to relaxed about the whole dating thing and get too familiar too soon. I personally don’t let just anyone into my home… I think you need to be straight and honest with them. Set the boundaries before the time and if they don’t like them…
Well then they are not the one for you!

The Wild and Crazy Spectrum of Acquiring a Date

922d428bfa19bbec3bbd4e5a53698fccWhat a wonderful thing modern technology is! Or is it? I actually don’t know how I feel about that statement… yet.

Either way, technology is here and it is not going anywhere. It is, however, getting more and more intertwined in our everyday lives. We use it for everything. Or we can use it for almost everything.

Recently, I have been on a sabbatical from dating . For both emotional and private reasons.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have decided to get back into the dating world. Completely unplanned, may I add! This didn’t just happen all at once for no apparent reason and then one day during the week or two or three there it was standing right in front of me and I feel I needed to take that first step and say Hello. Here’s my number , gimme a call and text for days. This is how the modern dater communicates…Now don’t get me wrong, the day of meeting at a coffee shop and talking face to face is long gone due to the hours we keep and jobs we have. but you can get the top level of a person with texts and phone calls but it only scratches the surface of a person.I need a face to face to see their reactions to a joke instead of emoji or “LOL”, watch how they treat the waiter/tress , the attention they pay to me and most important stay off their phone!
But, as the saying goes: You won’t remember the nights you slept for 8 hours, but the nights you stayed up making memories! I am sure I said that wrong, but this is my blog and I have creative freedom to do what I want. So deal with it.

Ok, back to the point: Did you know that there were an almost endless amount of ways in which to go about getting a date?

Here’s a list:
1. Chance meetings
2. Through friends (well meaning but no)
3. Blind dates (again through friends or family)
4. Co-workers (again not a good idea)
5. Standing at a bar (need I have to explain why?)
6. Church/Temple
7. Internet dating

Well, those are mine at least. And this all happened within the space of several years or so. Like I said:With the years of relationships and break ups. When it rains, its like a freakin torrential downpour! I am exhausted! And I am a PRO at first dates. Like…if they were interviews, which I am pretty sure they actually are, I would get all the jobs applied for. With a bonus. And added leave. Possibly with Fridays off as well.

Practice people, it just takes practice…but I am so damn sick of it. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Bet you thought this was going to be a witty rehash and recount of my dating or relationships adventures (Which are plenty! I mean…Chance meetings. Enough said. Really? Like…yes and no. Not again. Although, I did meet one nice guy, so I guess its not that bad.)

There comes a point in all of this, when you get home after yet another first date, and your heart sinks and you just don’t want to do this anymore.

I have had many first dates, even second and third ones…one even managed to last a few months and then that ship sailed to Antarctica or somewhere.

I know that what I am doing may be seen as a desperate attempt at meeting someone…but in all honesty, fuck you and what you think! I will never apologize for wanting to find a friend…that best friend that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Why should I? Why should I feel bad about that? Why should I be embarrassed by that?

What else am I supposed to do? Sit on my ass, at home and twiddling my thumbs and hope that someone will knock on my door and BAM! Man of my dreams. This is not a fairy tale…there is no cute Olaf the Snowman that likes warm hugs and summer. This is life. Real life. Really life.
Why is it acceptable to tell people to go out there and pursue everything under the sun that their hearts desire but as soon as it comes to relationships, we are supposed to be all coy and quiet and reserved. Oh and heaven forbid if we make it TOO obvious. Shock and horror then that is just way too overboard and you mustn’t let people know that you are looking for someone special.

WTF people? I thought we were over all of this! I thought we have evolved and grown up at least a little bit! And honestly if one more person tells me that as soon as you stop looking the right one comes I am going to stab them in the face. With a fork. Or keys. Or a squirrel. Whatever I can get my hands on.

Honestly, if someone is reading this right now and they personally know me and they decide that they will rather stay away, then you aren’t the right person for me anyways. Because the right person, is going to want you to show that you actually give a shit about them and are interested in them and have stopped playing stupid games. They are going to want clear communication and honesty and you. All of you.
Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t that what you deserve?

I don’t know…maybe I am a stupid hopeless romantic. Maybe I am delusional and naive… Although after all the crap that I have gone through with regards to men, I really don’t think I am. But I am not going to pretend anymore. I am not going to pretend to be anything or anyone other than who I am.

I am a single, 40 something year old woman. I have hopes and dreams and goals. I work hard for what I have and for what I want. And I want someone to share my life with me. I want someone to witness my life…be part of my life.
I refuse to apologize for that and I refuse to pretend otherwise.

You shouldn’t either.