Category: Stress

The Plan…

What I thought was going to happen when I moved to Denver, compared to what has actually happened is probably the biggest brain fart I have ever had.

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Meaning: I could not have been more wrong!

 

First, let me put it out there: Moving is easy. Packing up your life, having all your things stolen, doing all the administrative type of things, saying good-bye and getting on a plane: Piece of cake.

NOT!!!

Actually living in another state and trying to find your feet: Not so much.

No one wants to hear this, and no one says it because of some stupid “code” or pride or whatever…but it is HARD trying to build a new life in a new City or state. It is an emotional roller-coaster that does not slow down or stop. It just keeps twisting and turning and hurtling along and all you can do is hold on and not puke.

When I landed here, I had it all planned out. I was going to spend 2 weeks getting over the hell I went through, relax a bit, help out with my friends Jodi/Miles, David, Tina, and Maria, spend some quality time with myself, convince Rommey to move ASAP and basically just come to terms with the fact that there is no return flight and that this was not a holiday.

Then, I got on the plane with my pupper, Spike and we flew into Denver and everything would just fall into place.

I would find a job, doesn’t really matter where, because I have skills and I don’t do drugs that is apparently very much needed in these parts.

I would then find a nice place to stay and decorate it with the few items I brought with me and create a home for myself.

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Then I planned on joining a gym, get my body back into shape, find a tanning salon, make some new friends and who knows, maybe even meet a nice guy…

Everything was supposed to fall into place. Because that is how I planned it. That is how I saw it happen in my head. The Plan was the only thing keeping me from completely freaking out. I needed The Plan to work.

 

The Plan did not work. Parts of it did, but the majority did not.

Thing is…I have been on my own and independent for a very long time. I have lived on my own, had my own car, paid my own bills, lived my own life on my own terms for years now. I hate having to rely on other people for help.

I hate having to depend on other people for anything.

I hate that I cannot financially support myself.

I hate not being able to work.

I hate not having my own house.

I hate not having my own car.

I hate feeling like I am completely useless.

Currently, I have applied for basically all the jobs in Denver. All of them. Because I WANT to work. I like working! I know that is a weird thing to say, but I really do like working. I have not worked for 3 months now and I am beginning to get on my own nerves now. Doing yoga helps a lot with that as I can work out my frustrations and playing tourist just to get me out of the house and speak to people.

But it is not enough. Look, I love my friends and I appreciate it so much that they are supporting me in every way possible…but I don’t want to be a burden on them. I don’t want them to begin resenting me and thinking that I am not making a conscious effort to get a job and move out and start providing for myself again.

I don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want to disappoint me.

I have actually reached a point where I am terrified of opening my emails because of all the rejection emails from jobs that I have applied for. Jobs that, with my qualifications and my experience, I should be getting interviews for. Yet…I either hear nothing, or I immediately get an email saying that my application was rejected due to the high volume of applications received.

 

Being unemployed does not work for me. I feel utterly useless and pathetic. My brain needs to be stimulated! My brain needs to work! I NEED to work!

 

So in an attempt to approach this whole working thing from a different angle, I have decided to stop and wait for the career, not just a job.

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I’m now gainfully employed with a financial institution. I’m not starting at an entry level and I have opportunities and room for advancement,  but I am hoping that this career will give me when is all done and the freedom to grow my career and have my life up and running that will get some peace of mind and give me financial relief and will help me get my name out there for future opportunities.

 

As vain as this sounds, and if you know me you know that I am probably the least vain person out there, but… I am good at what I do. I am an excellent manager and my background in finance, has helped me with my career choice. I know how to speak to people and I truly care about what I’m doing is the right thing. My ethics for myself and my career and the company I work for is very important to me. I know how to work with people, especially in helping them get their lives, goals off the ground.

I did not come here to be a failure. I came here for a better life. I came here to start over…best-photo-manipulation-tutorials-1

Everyone keeps telling me that I must just be patient, that things will happen when they are meant to happen and that I must just relax… Well, you know what? I can’t relax. I can’t sit around and wait for this proverbial “it will happen when it is meant to happen” crap. I have put myself out there in every way possible. Hell, I even thought that Tinder would edge things along a little bit… BIG mistake. If anything, Tinder just made me even more despondent on the finding a partner front.

I know that my friends and family will support me in anything that I do. I know that I will have a roof over my head for as long as I need it…and for that I am eternally thankful.

What I do want though…is a little bit of my independence back.

I left everything behind. I came here with practically nothing. I want to start building my life back up again…because quite frankly, from where I am sitting now, I am humiliated. I mean, I am the girl that kicked many manipulative, cheating assholes, I’m the woman that went through being assaulted  by 3 unknown assailants,  got through being in the hospital on and off  for 4 weeks, due to my injuries and basically had to learn to walk outside again, I’m the woman that has been dealt blow after blow and still I fight on.

I don’t  compare or cry and make other people feel sorry for me, bad things happen to good people…Don’t let it use you as a crutch but take your pain and wear it as your light because you have walked through many days and nights in darkness.

 

All I need is that one break. That one crack that will let even just one beam of light through.

 

I did not give up everything to end up with nothing. Things may not be going according to The Plan…but then again when has anything in my life gone according to plan?

 

Time for those big girl panties and a good helping of: “Fake it till you make it!

 

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Do not go gentle….

This weekend was not one of the best weekends for me. It’s not that anything bad happened in particular, it was more that I had a deep sense of melancholy.

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I thought back on the past few years, the adventures that I had, the friends that have now become strangers and the sense of life that used to burn through my veins.

 

I had so much life in me. I had so much to look forward to. So much to live for.

What happened to me? What happened to that woman I used to be? The one who would say yes to any adventure, the one who never say no to trying something new…the one who could laugh so loud and so much that tears streamed down my face and my stomach hurt.

I lost her somewhere along the way. In between working and stress and trying to stay afloat I completely lost myself. The essence of who I am.

A warrior. A fighter. A woman who does not let the world get her down.

 

But I have let the world get me down. I have let work become my life, I have let stress rule my life and I feel like I am carrying the world on my shoulders.

I left so much of what made me happy behind. I stopped exercising  because of my health (heart, depression and anxiety)  and because I could no longer afford it. I left going to Temple because all I found there was fake people living empty lives. I left so many friends behind because I knew they were not good for me…

And what have I become? A loner? A recluse? A wolf with no pack?

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I want it back! I want my life back! I want to live a quality life…not this shell of a life that I am living right now.

The word “Warrior” was a word many people used to describe me…but I no longer feel like I am worth of it. What have I fought? What have I concurred? What difference have I made?

I used to make a difference…I used to be this strong, independent, Amazonian woman. I used to be a wild woman who ran with wolves.

Who am I now? I can’t remember the last time I went on an adventure. I can’t remember the last time I truly laughed. I can’t remember the last time I really felt strong.

 

This made me think of a poem by Dylan Thomas, “Do not go gentle into that good night”. Not because I am dying or anything, but because I want to fight again. I want to fight for my life again. For my happiness. I deserve a quality life, a good life… a happy life.

Not this. Not this that I am living right now. I will get through this darkness, I have done it many times before and I will do it again.

I just have to start. And it starts now.

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“Do not go gentle into that good night”- Dylan Thomas

“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”