Catching up on the last couple of days…
I went to therapy on Tuesday night for my bi-weekly appointment. I’ve been feeling kinda sad and overwhelmed. She thinks that I’m ready to date again. But before I elaborate on me being ready to date again, let me say a few things about my going to therapy. I couldn’t write that sentence without thinking that I would be judged for admitting that I see a therapist, but I think there needs to be more awareness around mental health. As an extrovert, sometimes I want to be in the limelight of the world but in a second it can feel like too much, and it feels like there’s too much energy being thrown at me to process. A couple of years ago, I was brutally assaulted and started experiencing a high frequency of anxiety and depression due to the assault. I became a shut in due to my fear of that night, sounds I heard and the not rational fear of “they” will come back. I spent days in my hall closet in fear, that behavior and fear ended up hurting me. I suffered from extreme anxiety (especially when it came to men) and I didn’t take care of myself and lost about 45 pounds. I don’t know how to on some days to deal with the fear, I should be able to function but some days I just can’t and what it’s supposed to look like if I did, but I didn’t know how to get there. And so began the journey, with my therapist as my teacher and guide.
It’s been almost 4 years since I began therapy and at times I’m doing well then on other days I’m a train wreck. I’ve changed a lot and have a better sense of self-confidence and love and appreciation for myself that I didn’t have before. I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, but I’m much stronger than I was when I began. Therapy isn’t for everyone, but for me, it really helped. For anyone considering going, it’s worth a shot. At least if you go once and you don’t think it’s for you, you can say you tried it.
So — about me being ready to date again. According to Colleen and Tracy (my therapists), they think I’m ready. they think the recent events with my birthday last year and the “friend” I met is an indication that I’m looking for a connection but my fears are holding me back, so I choose situations where I know I’ll be “safe” — i.e, nothing can truly happen between us and so I won’t have to deal with the messiness of a real relationship and the possible pain that can come, and I won’t have to deal with my demons that only come out when there’s a guy involved. I’m also ready because I’m at a point where I don’t consider finding a partner to be essential to my happiness, and so I won’t put any pressure on the situation. All accurate statements. Anyway, I’m saying no and the thought is definitely in my head. I don’t know when I’ll do something about it, but I’ll know when it’s right. I’m not really going to think about it too much.