Voices……

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I know you’re in pain. It hurts in ways you can’t even begin to describe and even if you could, no one seems to want to listen. Sure, people care and try to help… for a time… but when you don’t seem to be getting any better, after a while, they get tired of listening… Eventually it becomes easier to keep it all inside.
I know you feel like it will never get better and you’ll never be okay again. It’s been like this for so long now that you think if things were ever going to change they would have by now so this is how it’s always going to be… but it’s not. I promise it’s not. You learn cope, it just takes time and I know it feels like you’ve given it enough time already but not everyone heals at the same pace.
Tell yourself it’s okay to feel the way that you do. Nobody else on this earth has lived through your life to be in any kind of position to understand your battles. Nobody else but you has walked in your shoes to be any kind of comparison on how you should be feeling right now or whether or not you should be ‘better’. I won’t lie to you – what you’re going through will always leave its mark upon you as any trauma does – and that’s normal too. Nobody looks back on a traumatic life experience and giggles about it… But it’s this all-consuming depressive state… these overwhelming feelings you can’t control… the way those feelings isolate you and make you feel vulnerable and alone – THAT is what won’t last forever.
It DOES get better… you DO find acceptance. Not all at once – its gradual… like a stormy day or a long dark night… you don’t just blink and suddenly it’s a blue sky. Storm clouds part slowly, allowing brief flashes of sunlight at first… then eventually disappear… Dark nights end slowly as a new day begins to dawn… Acceptance is the same… and I know you have the courage to wait for it…

Hand Holding or Chains on a Soul

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After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn

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Following Signposts

Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts.

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Divine wisdom is the fruition of your struggles.

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If we look hard enough, we can find some of the most valuable lessons from our misfortunes. Sometimes it takes a while for these to present themselves. If these don’t become clear, it is up to us to discover the meaning and create transformation from our struggles. We often need to dig deep to find the treasure.

In periods of struggle, it can feel like the whole world is against us. This is a natural and normal response. We mustn’t be hard on ourselves for feeling grief in our darker times. There is a sacredness and humility in tears that washes away our pain and cleanses us so that we can see the world with fresh eyes. Tears are a sign of power, not weakness. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be emotionally vulnerable and wear our heart on our sleeves. Only by listening to our hearts’ cries, can we respond to its calls and embark on the journey of positive change in our lives.

It is our most painful experiences that bring about the greatest change. When we hit rock bottom, and the only way is up, this creates the perfect conditions for reflection and growth. When we feel we can’t get any lower, we develop the trust, accountability and motivation to rise again like a phoenix from the ashes.

It’s called the (avoi)dance

Me and Avoidance go way back. We’re tight. Thick as thieves. Two peas in a pod. Birds of a feather. Cut from the same cloth. And any other cliché form of saying exactly the same thing in a completely redundant way.

If avoidance was a sport- I would hold every record, have every gold medal and would probably have my own catch-phrase. Something like: “You just pulled a Sharon.” Or “You Campisi’d that one right out the park.” I would be inducted into the Hall of Fame. My plaque would be on some major building, all shiny and stuff.

I am even avoiding as we speak. Procrastinating through witty banter. Distracting you with clever word-plays and buttering you up with sarcasm. Simply because…well, it’s what I do.

Throughout my whole life, which isn’t that long if you look at it in the grander scheme of things, I have learned that the way in which we deal with things is to avoid.

Topic you don’t want to talk about? Bring up something else.

Problem needs solving? Create a distraction.

Someone dies? That’s inconvenient so let’s never talk about them again. Ever.

I have learned through generations to do exactly what my family does so well: avoid.

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My whole family avoids. It’s always, “Now is not a good time to bring that up.” (Its never a good time to tackle something uncomfortable.) “Don’t say anything, you might upset her.” Or even better: “Please don’t be who you are because its not quite what we are looking for right now and we don’t know how to handle it.” Now this last one is not exactly quoted properly. But I can assure you that its behind a hell of a lot of what goes on in our house.

There’s always someone who you mustn’t upset by doing something stupid like, oh I don’t know, living. There is always a situation that needs to be put off to preserve the delicate balance. There will always be a reason to not address something that needs to be addressed.

There will always be: “Lets just wait till…”

No wait, I lie. It does come, this confrontation that we so long to avoid. Oh it comes.   Have you ever seen shit- shit actually hit a fan? Have you ever microwaved something without piercing it and seen it burst? Have you ever thrown a bottle at a wall?

It gets messy.

I have learned that you keep it in and keep it in until it feels like you may implode simply for the sake of keeping the peace. You bottle up everything that needs to be bottled up because of its inconvenience. Until one day…well, we are only human. You can’t infinitely expand and hope that your boundaries hold.

What follows is major shit and drama. Everyone screams at everyone, old demons are brought back and shoved in your face as if to say: “You see! Ha! I told you you’re a horrible person and will always be pathetic and will never change!”

That one always hurts. It hurts to even just write it.

This whole entry is making me highly uncomfortable and agitated because I know that I am reaching that point. I am reaching that point where if feels like all the things I have avoided dealing with are pushing me into a corner and I can’t get away. I can’t not deal anymore.

I hate that I let it get this far. I hate that I am constantly doing this. But mostly I hate knowing I’m going to do what I always do. It happens without fail.

I’m going to freak out completely and say horrible things (because I know where to hit where it hurts the most- the beauty of being able to read people. I know their triggers) and then I am going to retreat. Shut down. Build yet another wall and keep pretending.

I can’t even cry anymore. I used to be the world’s biggest crier. I would cry in an ad because I thought it was beautiful. I can feel the tears, I know they are there, I can feel that burning in the back of my throat and nose…but I can’t cry.

Have I really become that hardened? That jaded?

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Am I ever going to be able to say what I really want to say? Not what is expected or acceptable, but what I really mean?

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore and I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I am so tired of feeling guilty about things that I should not feel guilty about. I did nothing wrong!

If you are reading this, then I have published this. I don’t know if I should. But maybe, this is what I need. Maybe I need to write about it. Maybe this is how I need to heal. I don’t want to be that person that goes through life never letting anyone in because it would mean that I can’t avoid them. Once you let someone in, there is no room to avoid them…

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I can’t go on the way I’ve been going on. Its killing me. Not physically, but emotionally. And I’m not ready to die.

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