Following Signposts

Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts.

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Smile and Wave

Reality hit in the form of a friend of mine who is very direct. Very logical. And although I hate to admit it…very right.

The past while has not been good, I have not felt good and I could feel the darkness that I have fought off for 3 years starting to creep back in.

Despondent. That’s what I was. Still am a little bit…but I now have perspective on the whole situation.

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I was focusing so much on the future, on the uncertainty of my future and on the current situation that felt like it was swallowing me whole. I could not make head or tails of anything and it felt like everything was bearing down on me all at once. It’s a scary place to be in, when you actually can’t even make the decision between coffee or tea, a bath or a shower, eating or not eating. Small decisions become these impossible mountains that you cannot even fathom climbing.

But then you do. You get someone to slap you thoroughly in the face and make you realize that you are okay. That you are coping and that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you thought you were.

Yes, I still cry and feel weak and barely sleep because I am too afraid of the nightmares… but I have perspective.

One thing that this friend said to me that made a lot of sense is this: Look at the relationship where the information is coming from that is upsetting you and evaluate accordingly. She mentioned the following example: If say, you were driving, and the beggar next to the street calls you a whore because you do not give them money…does that really matter? Should it upset you? If, however, your mother or a really close friend calls you a whore…well…then it has a lot more power doesn’t it?

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Don’t allow people who actually mean nothing to you the power to bring you down. To make you doubt yourself and who you are as a person. Evaluate your relationship with them, and react accordingly .

I was allowing people to speak negativity into my life, and I started believing it. The negativity was drowning me, consuming every part of me…and I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I wanted to die…or run away…or simply disappear.

Not that I now no longer feel like I am drowning, I still am, but I have come up for air. My lungs are still burning from the salt water, my body still feels like it has been to war and my mind…well my mind is exhausted. But, I am getting there…every battle I fight, every difficulty I face, every impossible situation I find myself in is making me stronger. The future me at least. The current me does not feel so strong, but I will fake it till I make it!

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My new outlook is to evaluate, breathe, calm myself down and then smile. I may be crying while I am smiling, but I will keep smiling. I will keep treating people with kindness and respect and the way that they deserve to be treated. The way that I would want to be treated, even if they do not deserve it. I refuse to drop down to someone else ‘s level. 

I refuse to become negative, bitter, hateful and petty.

It is not who I am and it is not who I want to be.

Come at me world! But maybe…just give me five minute’s

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This is how ……..

Stress. I have stress. I am stressed. Stress and I are tight right now. Like conjoined twins tight.

Going into detail about all the things that are stressing me at this moment will be a very long list…so lets just say that there are a lot of factors contributing to the levels of stress in my life. Work, emotional, physical…just about everything. Choices that need to be made, steps that need to be taken, work that needs to be done…

So instead of listing the things that are stressing me, I am going to share with you the weird and wonderful ways in which stress…

  1. Neck spasm. I get this wonderful burning feeling that runs all the way down the left side of my body that kind of escalates in my left trap. This gives me pins and needles in my left hand. Heart attack? Wouldn’t be surprised!
  2. Severe Migraines.The simple process of breathing sends my skull with waves of crushing pain
  3. Sleep walking. Yes. This happens. The other night I fell asleep fully clothed in my bed and woke up without my pj pants on my couch. All the lights on. No idea how I got there.
  4. ADD. I cannot focus on anything. Its like there are misfires everywhere in my brain. I go from: have to buy milk, milk comes from cows, toaster toasts, skulls, oh hey look shiny! So yes…logical train of thought: Zero
  5. Water retention. I bloat like a puffer fish. I look like the Oros man. I look like the zombie in the second season of The Walking Dead that they found in the water well. My double chin rivals that of Honey Boo-Boo’s mothers!
  6. Shake it baby!  I think I get temporary case of Parkinson’s. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t hold or lift a cup of coffee to my mouth and need to use a straw to drink anything, Hot or cold.
  7. My stress spot. Eczema. There, I said it. I have this spot on the back of my head/neck that is my stress spot. And I will scratch that spot till it bleeds. Gross right?
  8. When I am not sleep walking…I am not sleeping. Insomnia. Insomnia like a BOSS. My brain will be so active I could probably write a trilogy of epic proportions…if my ADD didn’t keep me away from actually staying on one thought. So my trilogy would start with a rainbow pooping unicorn and end with a serial killer from Jamaica who’s calling card is a bag of weed and instructions to a hidden treasure.
  9. Lastly, and by no means leastly (? Yes I know I just made up a word), procrastination. Why do you think I am writing this? I have a shit ton of work to do…and yet I am writing this and pinning like a mad woman on Pinterest.

High-functioning anxiety looks like… 23c365f6af44dd8272a6b5fd1d1f9938

Over-Achievement. Hyper-Activity. Perfectionism.

When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits. below the belt sarcasm . Fast pace walking. Running my fingers through my hair.

If you look close enough, you can see it in answered text messages. Flakiness. Nervous laughter. The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

High-functioning anxiety feels like…

A snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaws shut where my shoulders meet my neck. Punch-in-the-gut stomach aches, like my body is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, You appear perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head. 

It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.

It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.

Get your act together.

Suck it up.

You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.

You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.

It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

Because how “OK” are you when a day without a plan is enough to make you crumble? When empty spaces make you spiral at the very anticipation of being alone with your thoughts? When you need to make a list to get through a Sunday: watch a show, clean your kitchen, exercise, answer five emails, read 10 pages, watch a show… ?

It’s feeling unqualified to write this piece because I’m getting by. It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you. It’s being good at conversation and bad at making close friends because you only show up when you feel “well” enough. Only text back when you feel ready. Because you’re afraid they’d hate you if they really knew you. That the energy would overwhelm them, and you’d lose them.

So you learn to reign it in. Channel it. Even though sometimes you do everything right (exercise, sleep, one TV show, five emails, 10 pages…) and you’re still left with racing thoughts, the panic. The not good enough’s.

When will it be enough?

Having anxiety means constantly managing motion that can be productive or self-destructive, depending on how much sleep you got. Depending on the day. Depending on the Earth’s alignment with Mars. Depending on…

It’s when “living with it” means learning how to sit with it. Practicing staying in bed a little longer. Challenging the mean, unrelenting voices that say you’re only worth what you produced that day.

It means learning how to say, “I need help.” Trying to take care of yourself without the guilt. It means every once in a while, confiding in a friend. It means sometimes showing up even when you’re scared.

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

It’s fighting against your own need to constantly prove your right to exist in this world.

It’s learning how to validate your own feelings. That even though you don’t feel like you’re enough, and you’ll never be enough, it’s knowing you’re at least anxious enough to benefit from help. That admitting you need it doesn’t confirm voices’ lies. That taking a break doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety, in your weaknesses. It’s trying to let the energy inspire you, instead of bring you down. It’s forgiving yourself when it wins.

It’s a way to live, with this constant companion. Your bullying twin. Collapsible luggage you can bury away at a moment’s notice. Shove it under the bed. Pretend it’s not there until you can’t fit anymore. Until you can no longer ignore it. Until you have to face it.

A first good step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?

Either way, it’s not a noble way to suffer. It’s not a “better” way to be anxious. Just because you’re “functioning” doesn’t always mean you’re happy. And just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean you shouldn’t slow down, breathe and take one damn second to be happy the way things are.

In this very moment.

This quiet, short moment.

To remember the peace you found in that second of silence, until the electricity starts again, and you’re forced to move.

So this is how I stress…and currently I have all the symptoms. At least I can still laugh! Even if that laugh is slightly manic and leaning toward the hysterical nature of The Joker (circa Health Ledger/ Jared Leto). But hey…that’s why they have wine! And the gym…yoga helps….

Now let me get my shit together and get some work done…oh look, a bird

Small talk and ramble musings

I hate small talk. I want to talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities and fears. I like people with depth, who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know “what’s up? “.

Like-a-secret-or-a-sin

 

 

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We’re young and untouched
with dandelions being blown in our hearts.
Eyes with a sparkle from our favorite
childhood fairy tales.

One morning in undeniable sunlight
we shake hands with a feeling,
then we go home and write of
his eyes and how his smile cut through an unopened door, deep inside your delicate soul.

We float through the emotion
that we’ve just dived right into;
until the ocean dries up after he tells you,
he doesn’t want you.

All our innocent souls are now stuck up with our hearts in trees
and we hope when we throw our hearts to the floor,
he’ll come running to save its breaking–
But no.
There it goes: smash…

We all fall down

 

 

A long Lost World

 

66c777574c53b53866f71305597e0417 It’s kind of funny, no matter how I feel, Lonely? Angry ? Melancholy or Happiness.  The more motions I feel, the more I want to write. It doesn’t really make me feel any different, but there’s just something about putting your mind, your words out there for all to see that is actually calming, in a ‘take it or leave it’ sort of way.

Motivations/Inspirations for the New Year/New You

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I have no words for this blog, only this picture that I came across this morning…It says everything that I am thinking, everything that I am feeling and everything that I want out of life.

For this week, I want everyone and including myself to take a few moments and realize that we don’t have time for the constant “next time” responses. We don’t get a second chance in life to have another life. This is it!
There is a quote that says, “You have two lives, the second one starts when you realize that you only have one life.”

I want everyone on this small blue speck in the vast amazing, wonderful universe to take more risks, say yes too more, listen to earnestly to what people are saying and then go with your gut, Love truly, freely and deeply, give every part of you and expect the same to be given back. Don’t settle for mediocre, you were created for so much more than that.

Mediocre is not an option. In life, love, work, happiness…in any aspect of your life!
Be the amazing person that you were designed to be and do not ever, under any circumstances, apologize for being 100% you.

Pursue Satisfaction!

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What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
What is that one thing that you long to do more than anything?
What does your heart yearn for?

Chances are…you aren’t doing it. Chances are you are too afraid to admit to it. Chances are…you are too scared of leaving the known and taking the leap into the unknown to pursue your passion.

I know thats what I am doing. I am hiding in my job, with the excuse that its a paycheck and it beats being homeless and hungry and I need to use my common sense because there are bills to pay, roof over my head, food in my stomach. That, and I am shit scared. I am terrified of actually taking that leap and doing what I love because I am so incredibly scared of failure that it is crippling me.

So what do I do? I tell myself that I’m not good at it anyways, so it will never work. I convince myself that I do not have what it takes to make such a massive life decision in search and pursuit of what I really want. It makes it easier then to wake up in the mornings and go to work. Every damn day. Working for the weekends. Working between my morning and evening jobs, yes, I have 2 jobs a 40 hour a week and 20-25 a week. Working towards someday maybe possibly earning enough money to actually survive and (fingers crossed) maybe have some savings. A new car would be great. Loving what I do would be even better.

What is it that I want to do? Everything! I want to finish the “book” I am writing and attempt to get it published. I want to tell my story and give inspiration to other women who have been victims of rape/ sexual assault publically and maybe counseling victims. I want to get my Counseling certificate in Psychology. I want to help heal women and teach them to not be afraid and reach their full potential. Heal Mind, body and soul!
I want to get into fitness modeling because, well, I just think its pretty damn badass and I know that I can do it.
I love the gym and body building is a perfect way for the broken to heal by molding herself and seeing the strength she already has.
I don’t want to sit behind a computer the whole day, wishing the hours past. I don’t want to work in a thankless dead-end career. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive…

Fear is holding me back. Fear and my deep rooted teachings that you must not stand out. You must not go against the grain. You must be a good little girl and follow all the rules to a T. Does that sound like me to anyone? Not in any lifetime will that ever be me!

In order to conquer my fears, I have set out a plan of action. I am not going to go jump into the deep end all balls to the wall. I am going to gradually ease into it and work my way to the deep end.

Firstly: I am going to finish and post the past series of journals, blog entries and poem’s and short stories that I have written or I am still working on and do some more volunteering/workshops/meetings with women/teens who are victims of sexual assault/rape and/or homeless or forgotten by society and look for an organization/online platform to share/speak for or with them.
Secondly: I am going to send out my resume to various public/state organization’s and see what the feedback is like for above said job or position/volunteering.
Thirdly: I am going to speak up for myself, yell my story to the world, no more lying to others or myself about ME, what happened, the why, when, where, and mostly WHO.
I’m going to work my ass off! I do that already, but now I want to be fearless, passionate about it.

My life has reached a point where I am very unhappy when I am at work. I don’t look forward to waking up at 3:50am every morning because I know that I am getting up to go to a job I hate. I look forward to leaving work at 2:00pm if I’m not working the other job, sitting on the bus with the headphones on and the music up loud, blocking out the world, so that I can head to my little apt to spend my night with my daughter and my little dog, watching TV, blogging, and just laughing the night away.
I would love to have a job that gave me the opportunity help teach/heal someone and to see them progress and become more confident, stronger in their lives.
I want to pursue my love of archaeology, to be in some distant land unearthing the past, something that the eyes of the past only gazed upon many thousands’ of years ago, that would give me the second greatest joy next to having giving birth to my daughters.
Why would you not want to pursue something like that? Why would you take yourself away from what you love?

I know many may say that that is life. That you can’t have it all. Well…screw that! I want it all!
I deserve it all! I am not going to live the same day for 75 years and call that a life.
I refuse to get stuck. I refuse to settle and I refuse to not love what I do. You spend majority of your life working…so why hate it? Why be unsatisfied?

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you feel you need to escape. You shouldn’t ever have a life that you want to escape from.

And that is my life at this moment. I feel like I want to escape from it. Run away to some far away coast, become a bartender at a sketchy beach bar at night and then spend my days surfing and making fun of the 9-5’ers and writing. In a place where no one knows me, where no one can find me.
You shouldn’t want to run away from your life. From you.

That is my goal for the remainder of this year and to be completed by next year and this is my accountability post. By the end of next year, I must love what I do. Be it working, writing, coaching and not be doing what I am doing now. By next year end I must be in love with a career or something that provides me with financial stability. I must not want to run away from it, wish it away or dream about anything else. What I end up doing by the end of the following year must be the best thing to have ever happened to me career wise.

This is my day one. This is where I begin my challenge. This is where I start my search for a career that I am 100% head-over-heals in love with and finally be free of my fear of my own past.