Following Signposts

Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts.

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Divine wisdom is the fruition of your struggles.

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If we look hard enough, we can find some of the most valuable lessons from our misfortunes. Sometimes it takes a while for these to present themselves. If these don’t become clear, it is up to us to discover the meaning and create transformation from our struggles. We often need to dig deep to find the treasure.

In periods of struggle, it can feel like the whole world is against us. This is a natural and normal response. We mustn’t be hard on ourselves for feeling grief in our darker times. There is a sacredness and humility in tears that washes away our pain and cleanses us so that we can see the world with fresh eyes. Tears are a sign of power, not weakness. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be emotionally vulnerable and wear our heart on our sleeves. Only by listening to our hearts’ cries, can we respond to its calls and embark on the journey of positive change in our lives.

It is our most painful experiences that bring about the greatest change. When we hit rock bottom, and the only way is up, this creates the perfect conditions for reflection and growth. When we feel we can’t get any lower, we develop the trust, accountability and motivation to rise again like a phoenix from the ashes.

Money money money….

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Everything is about money…I am not going to say “these days”, because in all honesty, for many people it has always been about money.

How much they have. How much they spend. How much they don’t have. How much they wish they had.

Money is everywhere. We go to work to earn money to survive. To pay all our bills. To make it through the month. The year…this life.

We buy buy buy and then wonder why we don’t have anything to save at the end of the month. Where does it all go?

There are many jokes about money at what people do with it…and I have recently come to the conclusion that I will never be money rich. And I don’t want to be money rich.

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I get a pittance of a salary. I live in a small apartment. I barely make it to the end of each month without stressing the last week that I need to pay rent, or buy food or pay for my medicine. I do not have money. And I don’t care.

Sure, I would love to be able to save up some money, I would love to be able to not stress about money and I would love to be able to say: I am finally earning what I am worth.

Life doesn’t work out that way…at least mine doesn’t seem to be working out that way! When I left university and started working, I had a much different idea of where I was going to be at this point in my life. Firstly I thought that I would be still married…but that does not seem to be the case! Then, I thought that I would at least be able to do more than just survive every month. Maybe even have a little nest egg… Think again!

But something did happen…I got over it! I got over trying to “impress” people with what I wear, where I live, that I don’t have a car and where I buy my food. I really do not care.

Not caring has resulted in me being a hell of a lot happier…and less stressed!

I work in an environment where it is all about looks and selling and branding and creating a false sense of who/what you are. It is the world of advertising after all.

But I refuse to let that get to me. In the same way that I refuse to let what others earn or do not earn get to me. I don’t care about how much money you make! If you are a good person, you are a good person. If you are an asshole, you are an asshole and no amount of money is going to cover that up!

I am no longer impressed with titles, cars, clothing, expensive gifts and so called “status”.

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Being a good, kind human being is all that matters to me. Being a happy person is all that matters to me. Being real is all that matters to me.

SO…in conclusion: I probably earn 1/3 of what you do…but I am happier now than what I have ever been! I have learned how to live within my means and that…is an achievement that I am proud of!

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It’s called the (avoi)dance

Me and Avoidance go way back. We’re tight. Thick as thieves. Two peas in a pod. Birds of a feather. Cut from the same cloth. And any other cliché form of saying exactly the same thing in a completely redundant way.

If avoidance was a sport- I would hold every record, have every gold medal and would probably have my own catch-phrase. Something like: “You just pulled a Sharon.” Or “You Campisi’d that one right out the park.” I would be inducted into the Hall of Fame. My plaque would be on some major building, all shiny and stuff.

I am even avoiding as we speak. Procrastinating through witty banter. Distracting you with clever word-plays and buttering you up with sarcasm. Simply because…well, it’s what I do.

Throughout my whole life, which isn’t that long if you look at it in the grander scheme of things, I have learned that the way in which we deal with things is to avoid.

Topic you don’t want to talk about? Bring up something else.

Problem needs solving? Create a distraction.

Someone dies? That’s inconvenient so let’s never talk about them again. Ever.

I have learned through generations to do exactly what my family does so well: avoid.

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My whole family avoids. It’s always, “Now is not a good time to bring that up.” (Its never a good time to tackle something uncomfortable.) “Don’t say anything, you might upset her.” Or even better: “Please don’t be who you are because its not quite what we are looking for right now and we don’t know how to handle it.” Now this last one is not exactly quoted properly. But I can assure you that its behind a hell of a lot of what goes on in our house.

There’s always someone who you mustn’t upset by doing something stupid like, oh I don’t know, living. There is always a situation that needs to be put off to preserve the delicate balance. There will always be a reason to not address something that needs to be addressed.

There will always be: “Lets just wait till…”

No wait, I lie. It does come, this confrontation that we so long to avoid. Oh it comes.   Have you ever seen shit- shit actually hit a fan? Have you ever microwaved something without piercing it and seen it burst? Have you ever thrown a bottle at a wall?

It gets messy.

I have learned that you keep it in and keep it in until it feels like you may implode simply for the sake of keeping the peace. You bottle up everything that needs to be bottled up because of its inconvenience. Until one day…well, we are only human. You can’t infinitely expand and hope that your boundaries hold.

What follows is major shit and drama. Everyone screams at everyone, old demons are brought back and shoved in your face as if to say: “You see! Ha! I told you you’re a horrible person and will always be pathetic and will never change!”

That one always hurts. It hurts to even just write it.

This whole entry is making me highly uncomfortable and agitated because I know that I am reaching that point. I am reaching that point where if feels like all the things I have avoided dealing with are pushing me into a corner and I can’t get away. I can’t not deal anymore.

I hate that I let it get this far. I hate that I am constantly doing this. But mostly I hate knowing I’m going to do what I always do. It happens without fail.

I’m going to freak out completely and say horrible things (because I know where to hit where it hurts the most- the beauty of being able to read people. I know their triggers) and then I am going to retreat. Shut down. Build yet another wall and keep pretending.

I can’t even cry anymore. I used to be the world’s biggest crier. I would cry in an ad because I thought it was beautiful. I can feel the tears, I know they are there, I can feel that burning in the back of my throat and nose…but I can’t cry.

Have I really become that hardened? That jaded?

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Am I ever going to be able to say what I really want to say? Not what is expected or acceptable, but what I really mean?

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore and I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I am so tired of feeling guilty about things that I should not feel guilty about. I did nothing wrong!

If you are reading this, then I have published this. I don’t know if I should. But maybe, this is what I need. Maybe I need to write about it. Maybe this is how I need to heal. I don’t want to be that person that goes through life never letting anyone in because it would mean that I can’t avoid them. Once you let someone in, there is no room to avoid them…

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I can’t go on the way I’ve been going on. Its killing me. Not physically, but emotionally. And I’m not ready to die.

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Handle with Care

Men who can’t handle us will always call us ” crazy”

That’s how most men perceive their ex-girlfriends, ex-wives or females who gave them extreme highs and lows.

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We will always be those crazy ex-girlfriends who once loved them enough, or maybe much more enough than they could handle and be deemed as highly sensitive and dramatic beings.

There are many articles written on women with anxiety issues, women with higher levels of empathy and/or sympathy towards others, women who ‘feel’ so much more than others and I honestly believe these are the reasons why we behaved the way we behaved derives from the word ‘anxiety’. However, in the eyes of men, we will always be labelled as ‘psycho.’

Truth is, they do not understand women like us. They do not feel the way we feel in a relationship. They do not know what it is like to take things, people and human relations seriously; to take matters of the heart and soul as important as they are to us. They don’t and they probably won’t.

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Do not let his perceptions hit you down to rock bottom. They have to understand that you did not have the goal of setting relationships on fire. You did not come into their lives to destroy the ideas of love. We did not mean to show them the side of us that would push them further away from us. I could hide if I wanted to, but what I thought that they loved me enough to be able to see past my flaws? and grow together as a couple.

We did, however, bare the true selves of our souls and our minds in hopes that they would understand where we are coming from. We wanted to work things out with them but they did not want to because it was too much drama for them. We tried to communicate and still they thought that everything we said was associated to drama.

They were together with us long enough to know which buttons would make us worried, paranoid and everything else that came along with it, yet they pushed it anyways. Instead of putting the blame on us, why not think it through on why would they just pushed the buttons knowing that it would drive us ‘crazy.’

Yes, everything happens for a reason, but why would they push the buttons that could intensify every emotion I have in the relationship. I would believe that they secretly wanted to push my limits. After all, the one who loves the most is the one at the losing end. I would always be at the losing end because I loved the most, I feel for them the most, and I would do anything for them the most too.

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They knew they have the upper hand of the relationship and they knew that even if they’ve done nothing wrong, ultimately we would be the ones at fault because we flared, we raged and we went crazy. We would eventually blame ourselves for pushing the relationship to the end and we would blame ourselves for breaking the relationship apart.

They knew and they always will know that the easiest way out was to say that we are “psycho” instead of saying “She was kind and loving and I wasn’t enough of a man to handle her”.

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Shifting Focus

Have you ever noticed that when you have one specific thing constantly on your mind, that you will keep seeing it everywhere? Whether it be in real life, on the TV or in a magazine.

The thing that occupies the largest part of your thoughts also enters into what you seem hear and do.

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For example: You think of buying a specific car and suddenly it seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is driving around in it.

Associate a song with a person? Every radio station plays it endlessly on repeat.

Starting a new hobby like running? People stamped around you like wildebeest migrating in Africa.

Now I always thought that these “coincidences” were signs and that because I keep seeing the car the guy I like drives that it must mean that he and I are meant to be together.

But driving to work this morning after running a night race last night and seeing runners cause traffic jams rivaling any  highway disaster, it suddenly hit me.

These are not sign/omens/confirmations or anything like that. It is just me and what I am focused on.signs-and-omens

 

When you have something on your mind that, at that point, is of great importance to you or simply of intense interest, then you will subconsciously seek it.

 

Take me. I always say that I am the combination of two of the worst things: I am both stubborn and single-minded to the point of recklessness.

Once I get an idea in my head, or a goal I want to reach, then it is go time. I will do whatever it takes to get where I need (or want) to be.

I recently got to thinking about going back to school,  finishing my nursing degree. And it’s  all I see, hear and think of! Every person I see is a nurse, I have been in the hospital a few times the past few months and they ( nurse’s) have been a blessing to me and have giving me the nudge, I needed to go back to school. The last time I was admitted to the hospital, I was laying in bed  at night and  I couldn’t fall asleep- That’s when I got the push from one of my nurse’s and now its all I can think of! I am nurse mad! At least I’m not boy mad, I count this as a step up for me.

I can promise you now, I will be too focused for anything/anyone  until I graduate.

That is what hit me going to work today.

Its all about focus and what you focus on.

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Its not the universe conspiring to re-affirm what you think or feel (although I sometimes still think it is), but it is just you..You and your focal point.

This got me thinking back a bit and I saw how my focus has shifted from one thing to the next throughout my life and every stage in my life. It also made me realize how I would totally forget about one thing, once my focus moved to another thing.

 

How often do we focus on the negative, the bad and on the things that keep us down?

And then we wonder why we find ourselves down and out and without hope.

Its because we allow ourselves to let that become our focus.

 

Try this today, shift your focus to something positive.

If you are feeling body conscious and that flabby ass is getting you down- stop thinking about it! Rather think about your beautifully toned arms, amazing smile and the fact that despite the rain you are having a really good hair day.

If you feel like you have lost faith and that God seems very far away, focus on Him. Let Him be part of everything you do. Take a minute to shoot a short prayer out, hum one of your favorite hymns, or simply say “God, I need you”.

If you do this often enough, soon you will see Him in everything you do. You will hear Him in every song, smell Him in the fresh summer rain and feel Him in your soul.

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Shift your focus. It may just shift your life in the right direction or at least out of the rut that you find yourself in.

Fears…face them don’t fear them

I am afraid of a lot of things…today it was confirmed that I am afraid of heights as I had to climb over my apartment gate to get into my house. In a skirt. Then again, I realized I have an almost paralyzing fear for heights when I went on the High Roller and when I have to fly or riding down on a escalator and just…high things. I don’t like high things. They can be high, and away from me. I just must not be on top of them and asked to move or ride down from them.

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I guess this fear is also limited to types of heights. For example, I went zip-lining one weekend and I loved that!

Jump out of a plane? Hells no! I hate flying in the damn things so why would I voluntarily throw myself out of one? It makes no sense!

So that is my fear of heights…some of my other fears include, but are not limited to:

  • Beetles. The damn things fly for your FACE! I mean…WTF is up with that?
  • Spiders . The animal fearing theme is strong with me…
  • Flying. I heavily sedate myself when I have to fly.
  • Clowns and mimes. I put them in one category simply because I fear things all circus related and I truly hate the circus.
  • Crowds. I have a fear of big crowds of people. I get kind of claustrophobic…especially when I can’t see a way out. I always need to know where the exit is at all times

These are some of my less serious fears…Here come the serious fears

  • Failure. I have worked really hard to get the experience that I have regarding my work and I am so scared that I will fail at what I want to do.
  • Not being enough. I fear being inadequate. I fear being obsolete. I fear being forgotten
  • Relationships. Its not that I am scared of relationships, but rather that my fear of losing people will push the ones I love the most away. I kind of self destruct in almost any form of relationship that I find myself in. I don’t know why I do that…it’s really stupid and I am trying very hard to stop. So far so good!
  • Missing out. Not like the whole “Hipster FOMO” kind of way. But more that I miss the moments with the people I love. That I miss sharing in special moments and milestones. I mean…with my family that is so far away, I miss everything. I hear about it, but I physically miss the moments.
  • Not having a life…my own life, but yea…I don’t want to have my life pass by me and see that I haven’t done the things I wanted to do.
  • Not living due to fear. I am so scared to step outside my comfort zone that I am scared that I am not living. I have been doing more things that make me uncomfortable and pushing myself past my comfort zone. So I guess I am working on those fears.
  • Moving. Moving on. Moving house. Moving states. Just…moving
  • Going back into fear. I know that I have anxiety and depression , but I also know that I never, EVER want to go back to that dark place, again.

Today it kind of hit me that I have been feeding my fears and not fighting them. This I thought whilst I was scaling a wall to get into my place.

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I don’t want to live and work in fear. I don’t want to be afraid to be who I truly am. I don’t want to be afraid to speak my mind and be heard. I don’t want to be afraid to stand up for myself. I want to be fearless. I want to conquer my fears….NO…actually I want to kick them in the ass and watch them fly away.

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And I will. I am. I am becoming more fearless everyday…because you know what? I have gone through hell and back in my life and I am still standing here. In one piece. Semi-normal. 100% myself.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can just hide from your fears. Face them. Fight them. And then free yourself from them!

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