So… am I ready to date?

Catching up on the last couple of days…

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I went to therapy on Tuesday night for my bi-weekly appointment. I’ve been feeling kinda sad and overwhelmed.  She thinks that I’m ready to date again.  But before I elaborate on me being ready to date again, let me say a few things about my going to therapy.  I couldn’t write that sentence without thinking that I would be judged for admitting that I see a therapist, but I think there needs to be more awareness around mental health.  As an extrovert, sometimes I want to be in the limelight of the world but in a second it can feel like too much, and it feels like there’s too much energy being thrown at me to process.  A couple of years ago, I was brutally assaulted and started experiencing a high frequency of anxiety and depression due to the assault. I became a shut in due to my fear of that night, sounds I heard and the not rational fear of “they” will come back. I spent days in my hall closet in fear, that behavior and fear ended up hurting me.  I  suffered from extreme anxiety (especially when it came to men) and I didn’t take care of myself and lost about 45 pounds.  I don’t know how to on some days to deal with the fear,  I should be able to function but some days I just can’t  and what it’s supposed to look like if I did, but I didn’t know how to get there.  And so began the journey, with my therapist as my teacher and guide.

It’s been almost 4 years since I began therapy and at times I’m doing well then on other days I’m a train wreck.  I’ve changed a lot and have a better sense of self-confidence and love and appreciation for myself that I didn’t have before.  I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, but I’m much stronger than I was when I began.  Therapy isn’t for everyone, but for me, it really helped.  For anyone considering going, it’s worth a shot.  At least if you go once and you don’t think it’s for you, you can say you tried it.

So — about me being ready to date again.  According to Colleen and Tracy  (my therapists), they think I’m ready.  they think the recent events with my birthday last year and the “friend” I met  is an indication that I’m looking for a connection but my fears are holding me back, so I choose situations where I know I’ll be “safe” — i.e, nothing can truly happen between us and so I won’t have to deal with the messiness of a real relationship and the possible pain that can come, and I won’t have to deal with my demons that only come out when there’s a guy involved.  I’m also ready because I’m at a point where I don’t consider finding a partner to be essential to my happiness, and so I won’t put any pressure on the situation.  All accurate statements.  Anyway, I’m saying no and the thought is definitely in my head.  I don’t know when I’ll do something about it, but I’ll know when it’s right.  I’m not really going to think about it too much.

peace

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The WTF Week!

As I am sitting here, about to write this post, I am like a dead man walking. I am absolutely stressed the Fuck out after this week.

This week has been a whirlwind of stress, worry, crazy, packing and unpacking a whole lot of other things that needed to be handled.

Tomorrow I start a new week as in the Jewish Calendar  adventure by moving forward and not standing in one place. This will be not first time that I will be rewriting my own path again. This is like an old friend for me and I am very excited about this new chapter in my life!

I think, with everything that had to happen this week, I kind of hit a downer. Lets say I was a little overwhelmed. Okay, a lot overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me and I had to pull myself together…fall down 7 times, get up 8…right?

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I entered this week with an idea called the Vegas has kicked my ass but I’m going to win (It did, of course) and the first WTF was Monday. I started in the morning, but then the stress kept building by the afternoon… I improved my thoughts. One. Its not that my mind gave up, its that my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. I could see in my head how I just couldn’t handle other peoples behavior, so I do what I always do, I shutdown . I could actually see myself slowly imploding but in my heart I wanted to kick certain peoples  asses but I was the one, who’s ass got kicked.

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Have you ever wanted something so badly, that it actually hurts? You want it so badly, that you would do anything to get it. That’s how I feel about this whole Vegas thing. I so badly want to be as happy and successful here as what I know I can be. But it seems like every time I make even the slightest of progress, I get pushed back 2 steps.

I am like that nerdy kid that so badly wants to be part of the cool kids, but I am actually just the kid standing on the outside looking in. I think what makes it worse is that this is something that I really love to do and I am good at it. Success does not come easy to me here in Las Vegas and it breaks down my confidence a bit. 

Sometimes it feels like I have to try so hard, for even the slightest change. Not just with work, but with most things.

Maybe I am just throwing myself a little bit of a pity party right now…actually its not a maybe its a definite! 

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SO! Enough of that! Here are some pictures. I hope they motivate you a bit on this Friday. 

I will not give up. I just need to regroup and maybe a Hug.

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Happy Friday

The Power of No

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I have this problem with saying no… I don’t know how to do it. I hate doing it when I have to and I feel incredibly guilty when I actually say it to someone.

 

See…I am one of those people who go above and beyond for the people around me. I will voluntarily go out of my way to make you happy or more comfortable and I will more than likely do things for the people around me even if it is a major pain in my ass and inconvenience.

 

I guess this stems from the fact that I feel that if I do all these things for people, that they will accept me and like me or some such ridiculous notion. What actually happens, however, is that people walk all over you and then misuse you.

Boy have I been misused… 

So now I am practicing saying no and not doing everything for everyone. It is so in my nature to care for others and to make their lives easier that I neglect my life. I can actually not remember the last time that someone went out of their way for me without me even asking. See, people don’t. They are so involved in their own lives that they don’t see yours. And it is not that people don’t care, its just that most people are very much just all about them. There are very few people who are like me and who are cursed with this stupid need to make everyone around them happy.

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I think its time this ends. I have especially felt this over the past few weeks. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I just keep saying yes and putting myself in situations where I almost always experience a loss, be it financial, time or emotional or even a combination of all!

So…if you are reading this and you feel this may be directed at you: Take note! Whether or not you are the one taking advantage of others or the one who is constantly being taken advantage of.

Just say no…….

Voices……

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I know you’re in pain. It hurts in ways you can’t even begin to describe and even if you could, no one seems to want to listen. Sure, people care and try to help… for a time… but when you don’t seem to be getting any better, after a while, they get tired of listening… Eventually it becomes easier to keep it all inside.
I know you feel like it will never get better and you’ll never be okay again. It’s been like this for so long now that you think if things were ever going to change they would have by now so this is how it’s always going to be… but it’s not. I promise it’s not. You learn cope, it just takes time and I know it feels like you’ve given it enough time already but not everyone heals at the same pace.
Tell yourself it’s okay to feel the way that you do. Nobody else on this earth has lived through your life to be in any kind of position to understand your battles. Nobody else but you has walked in your shoes to be any kind of comparison on how you should be feeling right now or whether or not you should be ‘better’. I won’t lie to you – what you’re going through will always leave its mark upon you as any trauma does – and that’s normal too. Nobody looks back on a traumatic life experience and giggles about it… But it’s this all-consuming depressive state… these overwhelming feelings you can’t control… the way those feelings isolate you and make you feel vulnerable and alone – THAT is what won’t last forever.
It DOES get better… you DO find acceptance. Not all at once – its gradual… like a stormy day or a long dark night… you don’t just blink and suddenly it’s a blue sky. Storm clouds part slowly, allowing brief flashes of sunlight at first… then eventually disappear… Dark nights end slowly as a new day begins to dawn… Acceptance is the same… and I know you have the courage to wait for it…

Hand Holding or Chains on a Soul

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After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn

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Temporary Madness

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Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Following Signposts

Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts.

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