Purim/Lent: What’s your Sacrifice?

Purim/Lent: What are you giving up?

Purim: Wednesday, March 20

Lent: Wednesday, March 6-Saturday, April 20

Men. I have decided that this is what needs to happen.

Being a good Jewish/Catholic women, solemn penitence and mask and party, that’s what these 2 holidays are but its more than that. It’s giving up on what you desire the most then after you search your soul then rejoice and have a party because you found the right way to walk the rest of your life. I just can’t do this anymore. I have men around every corner that promise me beautiful things, tell me they can give me the world and then all there is hot air.

I honestly don’t have time for the admin of having a man in my life right now. That sounds horribly selfish and bitchy but I just don’t know where I would fit one in.

Between my need to get in shape so more yoga, writing, yes I’ve gotten bite the bug again, working, keeping house and trying to figure out this whole being an adult thing, I am pretty busy. Plus, my friends are much more important to me now.

I have recently rediscovered and found some amazing people that I want to cozy with and get to know and spend time with. They love me for me, even if this me is a little crazy and prone to random dance off’s in the middle of packed clubs. Hey, its how I roll!

And besides, I think I deserve the right to be selfish for a bit. I have always been the one to be there for everyone else, be who that person wants me to be so that they can get over whatever issue they have at that moment in time.

Well, I am so sorry, but that ship ain’t gonna fly anymore! I declare that for the next 40 days I want to be man free. I work with men, day in and day out and I have some great men friends. But I don’t want any romance, any…intentions or anything that will make you think that you are going to distract me from me.

Speaking of distractions, I need to get my relationship with G@d back on track and if the men out there that are so keen to “get” with me, don’t understand that, well then you are not even worth the time.

So for the next 40 days, if you are a guy and if you are reading this and if you may have any intentions to pursue me: Please don’t. You can be my friend, but don’t think that by me being nice, its an open invitation for you to get right in there…cause it is not going to happen.

I have lost too much in the past few months, Hell years, if I’m going, to be honest here.  I can’t afford to lose more of myself in someone who is just going to get me lost even more.

Some life lessons…and random thoughts

This post was going to be one about honesty and lying and how we find it so difficult, to be honest. And it is still going to be…but I have come across so many other ideas that I feel I need to express and that has been sitting with me for a while now.
So, call this a life-lesson blog entry. Or a random brain fart entry. It is yet again one of those things that I need to write in order to get it out of my brain.

I need to do that every now and again when things get too crowded in there.

Firstly, I heard a comment on a show I was watching yesterday: “What’s so complicated about being honest?”

As simple as this question sounds, it is layered with doubt and insecurity and is actually quite complex.

People lie. It is what we do. We lie to save face, we lie to protect, we lie to hide…we lie on a daily basis.

I am not talking about massive, life-altering lies and if you have, then the lie must have protected a hurt or your damaged soul to have told such a lie and to the receivers ” Before you cast the first stone, look within your own closet for skeletons. I am talking about those little white lies that are so quick to form and so quick to be dispensed. One can almost understand and justify why we lie to others, but what gets me the most is that we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves on a daily basis. We tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are coping. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated the way that we are. We try and justify our actions through lies. Why? Why would you lie to yourself? It is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself! Because, in all honesty, you are hurting no one but yourself. And if you look at it that way… doesn’t that make you want to think twice about how you see yourself and your life?
I am guilty of this. I lie to myself all the time. I tell myself that I deserve to be treated like shit. I tell myself that I am not good enough to go after my hearts desires. I even tell myself that if I’m lied to, cheated on, it’s okay because I’ve lied before, it’s what I deserve…
There are so many things that I lie to myself about… because it is easier. It is easier to face a lie than what it is to deal with the truth. More often than not, the truth is harsh. It hurts and it is like a slap through the face. Stupidly enough, one of the things I have been passionately lying to myself about is that I am okay with being alone. That I am okay with being single and that I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Telling myself, I deserve the scraps of that, so-called relationships of my past have been thrown my way…What a load of bull!

I deserve the best kind of relationship. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and who is proud of me.

Proud to have me in their life.

I don’t want to be a little secret. An occasional time-filler. I deserve better than that.
That is also why I am now going to be very honest with the people in my life. I no longer have time for people who don’t make time for me.

I am tired of going out of my way for others when they don’t even give me the time of day.

People who make plans and promises and then cancel?

Sorry, you’re out!

People who only contact me when it is going bad with them? I am not your psychologist.
I have people in my life who are actually in my life. People who have stuck by me and who I have stuck by, through thick and thin.

They are few, but they are quality. The rest…well the rest I am no longer going to even make an effort with.

I was promised so much by “family/friends” only to have them cancel on me because something better came along… that’s not right. And that is a lie of love for your family and friendship.
Another thought that I wanted to write about is that of life and living and all that fun stuff. I don’t want to die knowing I did not live.

We get so caught up in work and relationships and commitments and stress that we forget to do the one thing we were created to do: Live. Even as I am writing this I know that I am guilty of this. There are moments in my life that I can say I have truly lived. But they are completely overshadowed by my absolute fear of life. I am so scared of taking that risk and doing what it is that I want to do, that I freeze and accept that this is as good as it gets. This can’t be as good as it gets. Because if it is then I demand a refund. Living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it by, constantly being broken down by people who are “superior”… They never experienced what you have been through or going through,  so you must have asked for it?!?

Is that life? Is that how it’s supposed to be?
I understand that we all need to make a living. I understand that not all of life can be an adventure and extreme and fun. But what I do know…is that this is not the be all and end all for me. I deserve more than this.
I have been dealt blow after blow after blow the past few months and I am really getting sick of it now. All I am asking for is one good thing to happen. One ray of sunshine that can light the way. I know I am a fighter and I know that I will get through whatever is thrown my way…but it would be nice if what is thrown my way is something positive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means wallowing in self-pity about the way things are. I mean, I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. It’s more of a…if I can just get a leg-up.

Just that little boost, then I can get out of this final layer that I have been stuck under.
I am ready for new challenges, new adventures, new opportunities. I know I have so much more to give. I know I have so much more life in me!

Fuckin’ hell! I have been through hell and back and I have come out on top and I am damn proud of that. I know I am strong.

I know I am a fighter and I know that I will conquer anything that comes my way.
But even a fighter needs the war to end sometime. My war has been going on for long enough. So…even if my last ray of sunshine is simply that it catches the last of …light…and that lies and pain of my past have stolen my identity, my self and caused havoc in my life.

Letting go. That will already be like a burst of sunshine.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Be honest. Not only with those around you, but with yourself as well.

It is scary as hell and you will probably be met with resistance and rejection and who knows what else.

But you will also be met with gratitude and respect and unexpected awesomeness (of this I am convinced).
Live. Even if all you do is take 5 minutes a day to do something that you absolutely love to do. Those 5 minutes of selfish enjoyment can go a long way.
De-clutter. Remove the people in your life who suck the life out of yours.

Stop making excuses for people.

Stop giving them second, third, fourth and fifth chances. They don’t respect you or your time.

So why should you bend over backwards to accommodate them when it is convenient for them?
Never stop pursuing the life you know you deserve. Never settle for mediocre, the good enough or safe… Don’t let fear rule your life.
Love. the people you love with all that you have.

And tell them that you love them.

As much as you can.

You never know when you won’t be able to anymore.
Appreciate the small things. A perfectly made cup of coffee.

A crested Carolina Wren singing outside your window.

Sunset after a hectic day at work. The feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn and pursuing your passion before the world starts to wake up. Dancing around to your favourite song without fear of looking like an idiot. No one looks stupid when they are doing something that they love.
Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot! Try that new sport. Dance to your own beat. Sing as loud and horrible as you can.

Tell someone how you feel. Embrace your inner child. You will be surprised how many people are out there…just waiting for you to come out and play

Come on over, Baby or Not

It would seem that I had epiphany while I was in the bath.. Maybe it is the gentle swooshing of the water, maybe it is the soothing smell of the bubble bath or maybe it is the echo of my singing in the bathroom. Bathrooms have great acoustics…and for the non-gifted singers like me, this is fantastic! So this particular 20/20 vision, “Ah-ha” moment was to do with the style in which we date these days.
We don’t.
We have forgotten how to date and how to behave on dates. I have spoken about dating behavior in a previous post, so I am not going to go into that all that much here. This has more to do with the build up toward meeting someone. Especially if it is the first time that you will be meeting them.
When did it become acceptable to invite someone over to your house on the first date (And I am not talking about coffee after the date)? When did it become acceptable to stop whoo-ing someone and just “hang-out”
We have become a generation of lazy, ill-mannered, selfish daters. Look, I am all for hanging out and playing guitar hero or binge watching series or simply talking for hours on the couch with some good wine. But not on a first date, or even possible a second and third date.

I want to be whoo-ed. I want to be able to get dressed up and go out and do something exciting. I want to feel like I am special and beautiful and that the person taking me out values me enough to want to show me off in a way or to make an effort to show me a good time. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about money. I am not one to talk when it comes to money…partly because I generally have none. Its more about putting thought and effort into something. Its about making someone who you are supposedly interested in feel special.
I do it. I make effort for someone who I care about and want to get to know. I do the whole spoiling thing and I love it! It gives me great satisfaction to make someone else happy, because seeing them happy makes me happy.
This whole thing of immediately just hanging out at one or the others house is not on…I don’t want to feel like you are hiding me or that you simply do not care enough to make actual plans or that you want me in your house for one reason only.
In the past I have written a lot about settling and how you shouldn’t do it…and then I realized that I was doing exactly that. I was settling for a standard of dating that was below me. That stops now. I am not saying that I am going to set a 4-date minimum before we hang out at someones house, but I am saying that I am not going to settle for anything less than someone who actually makes an effort to spoil me and make me feel special. I can guarantee you now, if you do that, then you have already made a huge impression! Besides, I love spoiling people and doing little things to make them feel special…why? It is my way of showing how much I care.
I am reaching an age where I am tired of games, I am tired of dealing with these men that keep creeping out of the woodwork who are not nearly close to what I deserve. I am tired of being a player in someone else’s game without even knowing that I am. I have dated a lot of guys, or rather, I have been on my fair share of dates…and there has only been maybe 1 or 2 where I actually felt like this guy made an effort.
I am not the woman that would not pester you with constant, “Hello” texts at 10 p.m.
I am not the woman that is going to constantly drive all the way to your house to see you.
I am not the woman who you can booty call, hide away or use only when it suites you.
For now, this is my story. I am currently so busy to actually date anyone what with work and my goals and my therapy, and that is completely perfect with me! I am happy with where I am right now. I know I am being a bit selfish, but I would like to find a man that can change this plot line and rewrite a joint story with me.
The title would be You, Me then Us, so until then maybe in a month or two from now someone will come along and want to take me out and then I will read this back to myself again just to remind myself of what I deserve… and also that I must never settle.
I have to admit that I have actually been fairly lucky with regards to this since I’ve “re-started” dating over the past weeks. I don’t think I ever got the 1 a.m.“what are you up to?” text, and men generally put an effort in our dates (varying degrees of effort…but still). Having said that, I find that they slip into the “want to come over?” attitude after date 3 or 4, which is generally when I cut it because I don’t like this attitude…does anyone have idea of how to slow this down? How to make them understand that there will be no “come over” unless there is a proper date before that at least until we are a few weeks or even months into dating?
(we could go for dinner/drinks/lunch/run/museum/theater…anything!…and THEN we could end the evening at someone’s place).
I am glad that someone out there is getting good dates and the good men behind them…very encouraging. I should possibly reconsider the type I go for, or go for someone completely different.As for the slowing down of the come~on~over…
I have no idea! It’s as if we have become to relaxed about the whole dating thing and get too familiar too soon. I personally don’t let just anyone into my home… I think you need to be straight and honest with them. Set the boundaries before the time and if they don’t like them…
Well then they are not the one for you!