This is how ……..

Stress. I have stress. I am stressed. Stress and I are tight right now. Like conjoined twins tight.

Going into detail about all the things that are stressing me at this moment will be a very long list…so lets just say that there are a lot of factors contributing to the levels of stress in my life. Work, emotional, physical…just about everything. Choices that need to be made, steps that need to be taken, work that needs to be done…

So instead of listing the things that are stressing me, I am going to share with you the weird and wonderful ways in which stress…

  1. Neck spasm. I get this wonderful burning feeling that runs all the way down the left side of my body that kind of escalates in my left trap. This gives me pins and needles in my left hand. Heart attack? Wouldn’t be surprised!
  2. Severe Migraines.The simple process of breathing sends my skull with waves of crushing pain
  3. Sleep walking. Yes. This happens. The other night I fell asleep fully clothed in my bed and woke up without my pj pants on my couch. All the lights on. No idea how I got there.
  4. ADD. I cannot focus on anything. Its like there are misfires everywhere in my brain. I go from: have to buy milk, milk comes from cows, toaster toasts, skulls, oh hey look shiny! So yes…logical train of thought: Zero
  5. Water retention. I bloat like a puffer fish. I look like the Oros man. I look like the zombie in the second season of The Walking Dead that they found in the water well. My double chin rivals that of Honey Boo-Boo’s mothers!
  6. Shake it baby!  I think I get temporary case of Parkinson’s. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t hold or lift a cup of coffee to my mouth and need to use a straw to drink anything, Hot or cold.
  7. My stress spot. Eczema. There, I said it. I have this spot on the back of my head/neck that is my stress spot. And I will scratch that spot till it bleeds. Gross right?
  8. When I am not sleep walking…I am not sleeping. Insomnia. Insomnia like a BOSS. My brain will be so active I could probably write a trilogy of epic proportions…if my ADD didn’t keep me away from actually staying on one thought. So my trilogy would start with a rainbow pooping unicorn and end with a serial killer from Jamaica who’s calling card is a bag of weed and instructions to a hidden treasure.
  9. Lastly, and by no means leastly (? Yes I know I just made up a word), procrastination. Why do you think I am writing this? I have a shit ton of work to do…and yet I am writing this and pinning like a mad woman on Pinterest.

High-functioning anxiety looks like… 23c365f6af44dd8272a6b5fd1d1f9938

Over-Achievement. Hyper-Activity. Perfectionism.

When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits. below the belt sarcasm . Fast pace walking. Running my fingers through my hair.

If you look close enough, you can see it in answered text messages. Flakiness. Nervous laughter. The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

High-functioning anxiety feels like…

A snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaws shut where my shoulders meet my neck. Punch-in-the-gut stomach aches, like my body is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, You appear perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head. 

It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.

It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.

Get your act together.

Suck it up.

You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.

You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.

It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

Because how “OK” are you when a day without a plan is enough to make you crumble? When empty spaces make you spiral at the very anticipation of being alone with your thoughts? When you need to make a list to get through a Sunday: watch a show, clean your kitchen, exercise, answer five emails, read 10 pages, watch a show… ?

It’s feeling unqualified to write this piece because I’m getting by. It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you. It’s being good at conversation and bad at making close friends because you only show up when you feel “well” enough. Only text back when you feel ready. Because you’re afraid they’d hate you if they really knew you. That the energy would overwhelm them, and you’d lose them.

So you learn to reign it in. Channel it. Even though sometimes you do everything right (exercise, sleep, one TV show, five emails, 10 pages…) and you’re still left with racing thoughts, the panic. The not good enough’s.

When will it be enough?

Having anxiety means constantly managing motion that can be productive or self-destructive, depending on how much sleep you got. Depending on the day. Depending on the Earth’s alignment with Mars. Depending on…

It’s when “living with it” means learning how to sit with it. Practicing staying in bed a little longer. Challenging the mean, unrelenting voices that say you’re only worth what you produced that day.

It means learning how to say, “I need help.” Trying to take care of yourself without the guilt. It means every once in a while, confiding in a friend. It means sometimes showing up even when you’re scared.

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

It’s fighting against your own need to constantly prove your right to exist in this world.

It’s learning how to validate your own feelings. That even though you don’t feel like you’re enough, and you’ll never be enough, it’s knowing you’re at least anxious enough to benefit from help. That admitting you need it doesn’t confirm voices’ lies. That taking a break doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety, in your weaknesses. It’s trying to let the energy inspire you, instead of bring you down. It’s forgiving yourself when it wins.

It’s a way to live, with this constant companion. Your bullying twin. Collapsible luggage you can bury away at a moment’s notice. Shove it under the bed. Pretend it’s not there until you can’t fit anymore. Until you can no longer ignore it. Until you have to face it.

A first good step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?

Either way, it’s not a noble way to suffer. It’s not a “better” way to be anxious. Just because you’re “functioning” doesn’t always mean you’re happy. And just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean you shouldn’t slow down, breathe and take one damn second to be happy the way things are.

In this very moment.

This quiet, short moment.

To remember the peace you found in that second of silence, until the electricity starts again, and you’re forced to move.

So this is how I stress…and currently I have all the symptoms. At least I can still laugh! Even if that laugh is slightly manic and leaning toward the hysterical nature of The Joker (circa Health Ledger/ Jared Leto). But hey…that’s why they have wine! And the gym…yoga helps….

Now let me get my shit together and get some work done…oh look, a bird

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Some life lessons…and random thoughts

This post was going to be one about honesty and lying and how we find it so difficult to be honest. And it is still going to be…but I have come across so many other ideas that I feel I need to express and that have been sitting with me for a while now.
So, call this a life-lesson blog entry. Or a random brain fart entry. It is yet again one of those things that I need to write in order to get it out of my brain.
I need to do that every now and again when things get too crowded in there.
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Firstly, I heard a comment on a show I was watching yesterday: “Whats so complicated about being honest?”

As simple as this question sounds, it is layered with doubt and insecurity and is actually quite complex.
People lie. It is what we do. We lie to save face, we lie to protect, we lie to hide…we lie on a daily basis.
I am not talking about massive, life altering lies and if you have, then the lie must have protected a hurt or your damaged soul to have told such a lie and to the receivers ” Before you cast the first stone , look within your own closet for skeletons. I am talking about those little white lies that are so quick to form and so quick to be dispensed. One can almost understand and justify why we lie to others, but what gets me the most is that we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves on a daily basis. We tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are coping. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated the way that we are. We try and justify our actions through lies. Why? Why would you lie to yourself? It is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself! Because, in all honesty, you are hurting no one but yourself. And if you look at it that way… doesn’t that make you want to think twice about how you see yourself and your life?
I am guilty of this. I lie to myself all the time. I tell myself that I deserve to be treated like shit. I tell myself that I am not good enough to go after my hearts desires. I even tell myself that if I’m lied to, cheated on, it’s okay because I’ve lied before, it’s what I deserve…
There are so many things that I lie to myself about… because it is easier. It is easier to face a lie than what it is to deal with the truth. More often than not, the truth is harsh. It hurts and it is like a slap through the face. Stupidly enough, one of the things I have been passionately lying to myself about is that I am okay with being alone. That I am okay with being single and that I don’t want to be in a relationship.
Telling myself, I deserve the scraps of  that, so called relationships of my past have been thrown my way…What a load of bull!
I deserve the best kind of relationship. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and who is proud of me.
Proud to have me in their life.
I don’t want to be a little secret. A occasional time-filler. I deserve better than that.
That is also why I am now going to be very honest with the people in my life. I no longer have time for people who don’t make time for me.
I am tired of going out of my way for others when they don’t even give me the time of day.
People who make plans and promises and then cancel? Sorry…you’re out!
People who only contact me when it is going bad with them? I am not your psychologist.
I have people in my life who are actually in my life. People who have stuck by me and who I have stuck by, through thick and thin.
They are few, but they are quality. The rest…well the rest I am no longer going to even make an effort with.
I was promised so much by “family/friends” only to have them cancel on me because something better came along… that’s not right. And that is a lie of love for your family and a friendship.
Another thought that I wanted to write about is that of life and living and all that fun stuff. I don’t want to die knowing I did not live.
We get so caught up in work and relationships and commitments and stress that we forget to do the one thing we were created to do: Live. Even as I am writing this I know that I am guilty of this. There are moments in my life that I can say I have truly lived. But they are completely overshadowed by my absolute fear of life. I am so scared of taking that risk and doing what it is that I want to do, that I freeze and accept that this is as good as it gets. This can’t be as good as it gets. Because if it is then I demand a refund. Living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it by, constantly being broken down by people who are “superior”… They never experienced what you have been through or going through,  so you must have asked for it?!?
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Is that life? Is that how its supposed to be?
I understand that we all need to make a living. I understand that not all of life can be an adventure and extreme and fun. But what I do know…is that this is not the be all and end all for me. I deserve more than this.
I have been dealt blow after blow after blow the past few months and I am really getting sick of it now. All I am asking for, is one good thing to happen. One ray of sunshine that can light the way. I know I am a fighter and I know that I will get through whatever is thrown my way…but it would be nice if what is thrown my way is something positive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means wallowing in self pity about the way things are. I mean, I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. Its more of a…if I can just get a leg-up.
Just that little boost, then I can get out of this final layer that I have been stuck under.
I am ready for new challenges, new adventures, new opportunities. I know I have so much more to give. I know I have so much more life in me!
Fuckin’ hell! I have been through hell and back and I have come out on top and I am damn proud of that. I know I am strong.
I know I am a fighter and I know that I will conquer anything that comes my way.
But even a fighter needs the war to end some time. My war has been going on for long enough. So…even if my last ray of sunshine is simply that it catches the last of …light…and that lies and pain of my past have stolen my identity, my self and caused havoc in my life.
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Letting go. That will already be like a burst of sunshine.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Be honest. Not only with those around you, but with yourself as well.
It is scary as hell and you will probably be met with resistance and rejection and who knows what else.
But you will also be met with gratitude and respect and unexpected awesomeness (of this I am convinced).
Live. Even if all you do is take 5 minutes a day to do something that you absolutely love to do. Those 5 minutes of selfish enjoyment can go a long way.
De clutter. Remove the people in your life who suck the life out of yours.
Stop making excuses for people.
Stop giving them second, third, fourth and fifth chances. They don’t respect you or your time.
So why should you bend over backward to accommodate them when it is convenient for them?
Never stop pursuing the life you know you deserve. Never settle for mediocre, the good enough or safe… Don’t let fear rule your life.
Love. the people you love with all that you have.
And tell them that you love them.
As much as you can.
You never know when you wont be able to anymore.
Appreciate the small things. A perfectly made cup of coffee. A crested Carolina Wren singing outside your window.
A sunset after a hectic day at work. The feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn and pursuing your passion before the world starts to wake up. Dancing around to your favorite song without fear of looking like an idiot. No one looks stupid when they are doing something that they love.
Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot! Try that new sport. Dance to your own beat. Sing as loud and  horrible as you can.
Tell someone how you feel. Embrace your inner child. You will be surprised how many people are out there…just waiting for you to come out and play

What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

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Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years, like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of my reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others, but also yourself, is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you have your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking, but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There is light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and everyday you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others, so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back in to the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

Love in Your Forties……

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Forget Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook or any other unrealistic expectations you may have conjured up in your mind about love at this point in your life. It’s all useless crap.

As forty-something’s, we are all or should be wiser members of the new population of adult dating society and as much as we may like to think we have it all figured out, we quite often don’t. At this age, we are in a constant state of stationary state of hope/hopelessness, transformations as in being single again and growth on this new path with what you want and don’t want and despair as in “you are dating , again!”. Your love life is a depiction of those inner transitions, and that is entirely okay. In fact, that is the way it should be. So, with that said, here are some things you should realize about love in your forties…

First of all, let it be known that this is a time in your life to make decisions, right or wrong, which suit you—not everyone else. While you live, laugh, life and be the best you, you will realize that these will be some of the best years of your life. So do yourself a favor and don’t waste away your best stage of your life drowning your sorrows in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a bottle of vodka or a box of tissues. Put to rest the constant complaints surrounding your love life. If you spend all your time focusing on someone else, you will rob yourself of the opportunity to focus on yourself and do things that are entirely for you. Whether or not you’re in a relationship, dating or single; get out there, do everything you can, be a little selfish, and give yourself this chance to figure things out and establish who you are as an individual.

On that note, being single for a few months or for a few years does not mean you are destined to spend the rest of your life ‘forever alone’. I promise. Honestly, being single is awesome and until you get over the negative stigma associated with your single status and learn to love and embrace it, you probably aren’t ready for a relationship. Being single shouldn’t be about being lonely; it should be about doing anything and everything you want. Own your independence, take on every opportunity and do everything you could possibly want to do, without having to consider a significant other. This doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for a relationship or are ‘un-datable’; it means you are capable of standing on your own two feet and loving yourself, without needing someone else to do that for you. And that, quite frankly, is one of the most attractive traits anyone can posses.

This is also a time in your life in which, instead of focusing solely on finding one other person, you should focus on the relationships you have with all the people around you. I consider myself to be in not one, but many committed relationships. With who? My friends and family; the wonderful people who have embedded themselves as a constant in my life, regardless of the comings and goings of any other fleeting relationships or troubles. These people are all my soul mates, in their own way. Take this time to enjoy and nurture the potential for so many incredible relationships with the people you meet, and you will open yourself up to the best kinds of people.

Now, as I’m sure you all know, not all of the relationships which cross your path in this life will not all be of the positive kind. Unless you are extremely lucky and equipped with unnaturally good judgment, you will probably fall in love with a complete jerk and get your heart broken once, twice, or maybe even multiple times. It happens.
I honestly think that everyone needs to date someone that is totally wrong for them at some point in their life. It may suck getting your ass kicked romantically, but it will serve as a valuable lesson to never settle for less than you deserve. Because after getting dragged around in the mud for awhile, most of us will come to our senses and realize that those kind of relationships are not worth the emotional hardship they cause. Then when the right one comes along, we will never look back.

With that said, there are times you will be on the providing end of the jerk spectrum. We are all hypocrites and assholes at one time or another when it comes to love and relationships. We will preach our hearts out to everyone within earshot and then turn around and do exactly what we warned someone else not to do. Why? Because most of us have to learn the hard way to learn at all. And that’s okay. Most of the time, we haven’t even figured ourselves out enough to know what we want or need in someone else. So, embrace the uncertainty and embrace your mistakes. It is all an essential part of the process. Date every type of person, fall in and out of love, break-up, make-up, have a one night stand-all of it. Things won’t always work out, but that’s the point. Don’t beat yourself up about it; love in your forties will never be the end of the world and your mistakes will only help to steer you in the right direction in the long run.

Another point, which perhaps I’ve grown to understand more than ever this past year, is the importance of being brutally honest with both yourself and anyone you’re with, in terms of what you want and what you need. We spend so much time glamorizing the idea of love and relationships that sometimes we force ourselves into relationships or situations with people that might not be right for us, based on an idea of what we think we ’should’ want. But in reality, the ‘should’ does not matter. What matters is the character you and the other embody and the corresponding traits which align with you romantically, mentally and emotionally, in a way that will work both now and in the future.
Don’t waste your or their time in a relationship that is, ultimately, not right for either of you in the grand scheme of things.

Lastly- and perhaps the single most important point of all- do yourself a favor and let go of any specific romantic timelines you have set for yourself. This is not a facet of your life that you should not stress about with any unrealistic deadlines. If you’re single, in a long-term relationship, engaged or married or divorced, it doesn’t matter. Don’t panic about not being in the place you expected to be, romantically, or at any point in your forties. You are only human in your forties, in this stage of your life, so wherever you are at right now, embrace the hell out of it. You will end up in the right place in your life, at the right time, one way or another. Don’t force the process, just be happy, enjoy it and let it be.

Pursue Satisfaction!

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What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
What is that one thing that you long to do more than anything?
What does your heart yearn for?

Chances are…you aren’t doing it. Chances are you are too afraid to admit to it. Chances are…you are too scared of leaving the known and taking the leap into the unknown to pursue your passion.

I know thats what I am doing. I am hiding in my job, with the excuse that its a paycheck and it beats being homeless and hungry and I need to use my common sense because there are bills to pay, roof over my head, food in my stomach. That, and I am shit scared. I am terrified of actually taking that leap and doing what I love because I am so incredibly scared of failure that it is crippling me.

So what do I do? I tell myself that I’m not good at it anyways, so it will never work. I convince myself that I do not have what it takes to make such a massive life decision in search and pursuit of what I really want. It makes it easier then to wake up in the mornings and go to work. Every damn day. Working for the weekends. Working between my morning and evening jobs, yes, I have 2 jobs a 40 hour a week and 20-25 a week. Working towards someday maybe possibly earning enough money to actually survive and (fingers crossed) maybe have some savings. A new car would be great. Loving what I do would be even better.

What is it that I want to do? Everything! I want to finish the “book” I am writing and attempt to get it published. I want to tell my story and give inspiration to other women who have been victims of rape/ sexual assault publically and maybe counseling victims. I want to get my Counseling certificate in Psychology. I want to help heal women and teach them to not be afraid and reach their full potential. Heal Mind, body and soul!
I want to get into fitness modeling because, well, I just think its pretty damn badass and I know that I can do it.
I love the gym and body building is a perfect way for the broken to heal by molding herself and seeing the strength she already has.
I don’t want to sit behind a computer the whole day, wishing the hours past. I don’t want to work in a thankless dead-end career. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive…

Fear is holding me back. Fear and my deep rooted teachings that you must not stand out. You must not go against the grain. You must be a good little girl and follow all the rules to a T. Does that sound like me to anyone? Not in any lifetime will that ever be me!

In order to conquer my fears, I have set out a plan of action. I am not going to go jump into the deep end all balls to the wall. I am going to gradually ease into it and work my way to the deep end.

Firstly: I am going to finish and post the past series of journals, blog entries and poem’s and short stories that I have written or I am still working on and do some more volunteering/workshops/meetings with women/teens who are victims of sexual assault/rape and/or homeless or forgotten by society and look for an organization/online platform to share/speak for or with them.
Secondly: I am going to send out my resume to various public/state organization’s and see what the feedback is like for above said job or position/volunteering.
Thirdly: I am going to speak up for myself, yell my story to the world, no more lying to others or myself about ME, what happened, the why, when, where, and mostly WHO.
I’m going to work my ass off! I do that already, but now I want to be fearless, passionate about it.

My life has reached a point where I am very unhappy when I am at work. I don’t look forward to waking up at 3:50am every morning because I know that I am getting up to go to a job I hate. I look forward to leaving work at 2:00pm if I’m not working the other job, sitting on the bus with the headphones on and the music up loud, blocking out the world, so that I can head to my little apt to spend my night with my daughter and my little dog, watching TV, blogging, and just laughing the night away.
I would love to have a job that gave me the opportunity help teach/heal someone and to see them progress and become more confident, stronger in their lives.
I want to pursue my love of archaeology, to be in some distant land unearthing the past, something that the eyes of the past only gazed upon many thousands’ of years ago, that would give me the second greatest joy next to having giving birth to my daughters.
Why would you not want to pursue something like that? Why would you take yourself away from what you love?

I know many may say that that is life. That you can’t have it all. Well…screw that! I want it all!
I deserve it all! I am not going to live the same day for 75 years and call that a life.
I refuse to get stuck. I refuse to settle and I refuse to not love what I do. You spend majority of your life working…so why hate it? Why be unsatisfied?

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you feel you need to escape. You shouldn’t ever have a life that you want to escape from.

And that is my life at this moment. I feel like I want to escape from it. Run away to some far away coast, become a bartender at a sketchy beach bar at night and then spend my days surfing and making fun of the 9-5’ers and writing. In a place where no one knows me, where no one can find me.
You shouldn’t want to run away from your life. From you.

That is my goal for the remainder of this year and to be completed by next year and this is my accountability post. By the end of next year, I must love what I do. Be it working, writing, coaching and not be doing what I am doing now. By next year end I must be in love with a career or something that provides me with financial stability. I must not want to run away from it, wish it away or dream about anything else. What I end up doing by the end of the following year must be the best thing to have ever happened to me career wise.

This is my day one. This is where I begin my challenge. This is where I start my search for a career that I am 100% head-over-heals in love with and finally be free of my fear of my own past.