The Adult Conundrum

This morning while doing my normal morning ritual…I realised that I had run out of toilet paper. Again. I say again because this is not the first time this has happened to me and it probably won’t be the last time that it will happen to me. That is why I have a stash of serviettes in my bathroom…for such moments of brief panic. I mean, who wants to have a heart attack at 6 in the morning anyway?

The whole running out of toilet paper thing got me thinking…am I adult enough to deal with my life? I mean…I am 52 years old. OK, let’s call a spade a spade, I am closer to 53 than 52 so I may just as well say that I am 53. 53. My first couple of years in my 50’s. I don’t know if that is depressing or liberating.

There’s this thing that happens when you grow older or rather when you decide to grow up. Getting older is a given, growing up is not. You can be grown up at 17 and a complete child at 71. But the thing that happens is…everything changes!

Your body, your priorities, your sleeping pattern, your shopping list…hell…even your weekend plans! You have now gone from getting all dolled up for a night on the town on a Friday night to immediately taking off your bra and pants when you walk through your front door, pour yourself a glass of wine and press play on your current favourite series that you are binge-watching.

But let me not bore you with too many words, here is a list of things that I have found out have catapulted me into adulthood…whether I like it or not!

• I now have to pay rent. A lot of rent. For a very small place. BUT…it has a walk-in closet and a wonderful porch.
• Taxes. I don’t even have to say anything else on that.
• Car…your car is a whole other bag of things that you need to worry about AND I NEED ONE A.S.A.P! Remembering to put gas in (the right gas), checking your water and oil, tire pressure, license renewal (which happens every 4 years. EVERY 4 YEARS!) and then…the inevitable service. Money= GONE. Also, may I just say that I am still getting around by public transportation. That takes away some adult points, right???
• On the whole legal driving thing…I have had to renew my driver’s license… TWICE! ( moved Twice)
• Grocery shopping has gone from boxed microwaveable meals and cheap alcohol to things that are green and cleaning products and (when you remember), toilet paper.
• Wine has stopped being drunk by the box, but by the bottle. And not the cheapest bottle, the one you actually like to drink and are willing to pay a little extra for.
• On the topic of drinking…how the HELL did I manage to go out almost every night of the week when I was 21, get home and 4 am and still be a half functioning human being the next day?
• Food…every bit of food finds its way to every part of your body that you don’t want it to. Used to be able to eat fast-food or sugar/carbs every evening? Well, now you can’t! Now it is salads and cereal that makes you regular and vegetables. And…even though we don’t like to say this, we actually like eating like this.
• I have gone from drinking 2 Monster energy drinks, 7 cups of coffee and a bottle of wine a night to drinking 4 cups of coffee, 3 litres of water and maybe a glass of wine a night…when I can afford it.
• Budgeting. I have to budget! Well…I can budget once all my debit orders have gone off and I have paid rent and medicine and you know, the necessities.
• Things you start thinking about: Dating. Like…what? Men? When did that happen?
• We refer to anyone who is younger than us as, “They must be like 12, or something”.
• I don’t understand modern music. There is no music. Just people talking over a vague beat in the background…what is this shit?
• I find great joy in cleaning my house. In throwing out all the crap and having a nice, sparkling new apartment. AND I would rather do that over the weekend than party the whole time.
• Work…work is inevitable. I have found that I now actually have all the experience that was always on all the applications I saw for jobs…and frankly, that scares me a little. I have experience? Do you believe that I can actually do this? Honey, most of the time I am flying by the seat of my pants and winging it.
• Make-up has become a must! simply because when I don’t wear it I apparently look like I am dying.
• Clothing. I now wear clothes that I like and not what is “in”. I have made peace with the fact that I will never look good in a crop top and high-waisted short shorts that show my butt cheeks. Also, I judge women who do that.
• I rock short hair. Like an old person, I like my short hair because it is easy and cool and I don’t have to spend hours doing it in the morning.
• Dating. It is no longer a cluster-fuck of how many boys you can kiss. It now actually means something.
• Friendships. I have realised that I have a few close friends and that is all I need.
• Family. I used to get very irritated with my family and thought that they have no idea who I am and they didn’t understand me (although I think this is still true). But I love them. With all my heart and I want to be near them. They are important to me and I could not have asked for a better family.

Ok, so now that my adult list has been named, here are the things I do to attempt to retain some of my childhood, or rather, some of the things I do to not get bogged down with all this sudden responsibilities and stress and *gasp* wrinkles!

• I have taken to colouring in. I have an adult colouring-in book and I love it.
• I sing in the shower. In the kitchen. In my car. And basically, anywhere I want.
• I build puzzles. Not real ones though…the ones you find on the internet.
• I dance around my apartment in my underwear.
• I have friends who make me laugh and forget about how old we are getting.
• I build forts in my house. Pillow forts. Blanket forts. And then I sit in them and read a book, or simply just enjoy being in a fort that I made.
• I sometimes buy a whole box of Fruit Loops, eat them all in my bed while watching cartoons.

But the thing is, as much as we complain about being adults and how we can’t do this…we are doing this! We are being adults! And the great thing is, no one has done it before either! Not one of your friends has been an adult before, your parents have never been parents of adults before, and everyone around you has never done whatever it is they are doing before. Isn’t that awesome? We are all just doing the best we can with what we have and what we know. You can ask people for advice and guidance…but, in the end, it is up to you to make the decisions. And they are your decisions to make. You decide on your life. You decide if you want to grow up or not. Sometimes, that decision presents itself to you sooner than what you would like…I know mine did…but you know what? Then I ran with it! I taught myself how to adult in my own unique way. I don’t adult-like the person sitting next to me. I don’t adult-like the members of my family or like my friends. I adult in my own, sometimes crazy way! There is no other way to do it…I am doing adulting the way I feel is best for me.

 

And if that means that every now and again I find myself colouring in whilst eating Fruit Loops under a pillow fort…then so be it!

Ramblings of a Melancholy Muse

As I am sitting here, I am frustrated to no end with the slowness of my laptop that I’m working on…I have created a WiFi hotspot with my phone to try and get some internet access as I am currently without internet seeing as I am poor and unemployed and can only depend on the data on my phone and the WiFi at the apt. But…these are all things that can be sorted out and things I can work with.  I am just not someone who has very much patience. At all. Which is ironic, because in school I actually got an award for patience (I went to a funny school where they gave awards for shit like that).

Anyways, that is not what I wanted to write about. I actually just wanted to write. I have been doing a lot of art lately, which has helped me with my creativity and being a channel for my feelings, but there is just something about writing that is so cathartic that nothing can replace.

This weekend I had a very boring weekend…It was fabulous! Freezing, as in so cold that it felt like my face was being assaulted by the cold and if I had balls they would have been frozen off. But it was wonderful and exciting and relaxing and weird and…well…good. It was good to have a quiet time at home, it was good to be with friends, both old and new, it was good to just let my hair down. My short blond hair…yes, I am still getting used to that one! I went from solid brunette/black to short and blond/grey. I am loving it, of course, I am just not used to the attention that it brings. That I saw this weekend. People do not know what to do when they encounter a girl who has a tattoo and has short blond hair…they kind of see you as a foreign creature…its all good fun, I just don’t understand it at all.

Never have I quite believed the saying that blonds have more fun, but I can tell you now that I am having a lot of fun being a blond. It is completely out of my comfort zone. Completely.

Let me start at the beginning of my hair transformation. It all happened shortly (pardon the pun) after I stopped seeing this guy many years ago. I don’t even want to call him my boyfriend because that would be giving him way too much importance, importance and impact that he does not deserve in my life. But I guess that he did play a role in it. He loved my long hair and undercut. I think it was because, compared to his ex who is now again his current, I was different and edgy and out of the norm. Aka, the perfect rebound girl. As nature would have it, he rebounded and found himself back with his ex and I was left with only memories and empty promises. So…. I cut off all my hair. Well, not all of it, but I cut it short.

Then the bug bit me…I wanted a change, a big change. Now I can normally see where the big changes in my life happened when looking back at the colour or cut of my hair. From the short brown hair, I went into different shades of brown and then eventually black. Then I decided that half an undercut was not good enough so I had both sides shaved off. I loved it! But still, …it was too normal, too meek…I needed a bigger change. The opportunity presented itself in the form of competition and the possibility of being a model in a hair show. I didn’t make the show, but I did get the free cut and colour. So I decided to go balls to the wall and go blond. Silver blond, but blond none the less. I absolutely love it! I feel like I am lighter like I am free. Like I can be anyone and anything I want to be. It is amazing how such a seemingly small change can make you feel like that…but it did.

As it is, I am currently going through a patch in my life where I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know where I am going, what I am doing or what the hell the future holds. I am in limbo. I am in a space where all I can do is live in the moment. I can’t live anywhere else, because anywhere else is nowhere at all!

I have been doing a lot of art lately and that has helped me through a lot of the emotions I have been dealing with, but not all of them. There is a whole plethora of emotions that someone undergoes when they find themselves without a job for the first time in almost a decade. For almost a decade, I have always had some form of a job. Whether it be waitressing or retail sales or administrative assistant or call centre representative and then when I got my degree it was the account executive manager and then financial. I always had a job…and for the first time, I don’t. It is not all it’s cracked up to be…I think it would have been different if I had not been living on my own. I think if there was someone with me, be it a roommate or a significant other or even an animal it would be a lot different. You have a lot of time to think when the time is all you have. Don’t get me wrong, I have not been sitting on my ass doing anything. I have been looking for jobs, sending resume’s, cold calling etc. It just seems like there are no jobs going at the moment. The one thing that has been good though, is that I have been able to concentrate a lot on rehab for my foot. I spend a lot of time in the gym. A lot. I should just move in there. It has helped, both with filling my days and with my mental and physical health. I am not someone who does well on their own. I know it seems like I am this strong independent woman…and in many ways I am, but…it gets lonely when you are the only company that you have. It is the most conflicting feeling. I crave company, yet I want to be left alone. I want to go out into the world, but I also want to disappear. I must say, if it was an ideal world and I could have whatever I wanted, it would be for me to just be able to get in my car and drive away. I don’t care to where…just away. Where no one can find me and where no one knows me.

This weekend I wanted to go to Boulder but not having any extra money has me sitting at home. I have been looking up paintings on Monet cottage and garden, and if you know me, you know that I have great respect for his work. I would love, more than anything, to just go there for a week. Do nothing but make a fire, drink red wine, write and walk. Between all the madness of the weekend, I could feel the edges of peace. The edges of something that I desire more than anything… escape. Freedom. Quiet. Solitude.

My life is in limbo. I have nothing of value, yet I have too much. I have nothing keeping me anywhere, yet I cannot leave it all behind. I crave a new life, yet I don’t hate the life I have. It’s a very conflicting time right now. I want to be found, but I also want to be lost. Even as I am writing this, I yearn to be somewhere else. I have discovered an author whose books I just devour. Her name is Lucinda Riley. The way she writes about life and fate and how everything is intertwined is amazing. I long to be one of her characters, strong independent women taking life-altering risks to pursue their passions and their dreams.

But…what are my passions? What are my dreams? I love art and writing. I love helping people. I feel I have a calling for something but I just can’t put my finger on it…limbo. That’s all I feel. The constant feeling of floating and knowing that there has got to be more to life than this what I am doing now. I listen to songs, the lyrics flowing through me, and I feel the passion and the freedom in those words. I so badly want to be the song. To be flown away on the chords, soaring high above the world. Yet here I sit…rooted in a place where I have no roots. Surrounded by material possessions that I would give up in a heartbeat. I think that is why it is so easy for me to change the way my hair looks. It is the one thing I can change about myself to get myself away from the life I currently live. It is not all bad…but I want so much more. Today I was sitting on my balcony and I saw two birds come and perch in the tree in front of my apartment. First, it was the one, chirping away as his life depended on it. Then he was joined by another and their chirping became almost like a chant. Like a fierce cry. Like they were trying to take me with them, to fly with them, to break the silence that has surrounded me. At that moment I knew that I wanted to fly, to be free, to be SET free. It may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me. I believe in signs, I believe in watching out for signs around you, for the little things.

Maybe I am just a free spirit…maybe I will never feel like I belong anywhere. Maybe it is just in my nature to not want to settle for the norm. Wild women do run with wolves…and I do not want to be tamed.

The Plan…

What I thought was going to happen when I moved to Denver, compared to what has actually happened is probably the biggest brain fart I have ever had.

Meaning: I could not have been more wrong!

 

First, let me put it out there: Moving is easy. Packing up your life, having all your things stolen, doing all the administrative type of things, saying good-bye and getting on a plane: Piece of cake.

NOT!!!

Actually living in another state and trying to find your feet: Not so much.

No one wants to hear this, and no one says it because of some stupid “code” or pride or whatever…but it is HARD trying to build a new life in a new city or state. It is an emotional roller-coaster that does not slow down or stop. It just keeps twisting and turning and hurtling along and all you can do is hold on and not puke.

When I landed here, I had it all planned out. I was going to spend 2 weeks getting over the hell I went through, relax a bit, help out with my friends Jodi/Miles, David, Tina, and Maria, spend some quality time with myself, convince Rommey to move ASAP and basically just come to terms with the fact that there is no return flight and that this was not a holiday.

Then, I got on the plane with my pupper, Spike and we flew into Denver and everything would just fall into place.

I would find a job, doesn’t really matter where, because I have skills and I don’t do drugs that is apparently very much needed in these parts.

I would then find a nice place to stay and decorate it with the few items I brought with me and create a home for myself.

Then I planned on joining a gym, get my body back into shape, find a tanning salon, make some new friends and who knows, maybe even meet a nice guy…

Everything was supposed to fall into place. Because that is how I planned it. That is how I saw it happen in my head. The Plan was the only thing keeping me from completely freaking out. I needed The Plan to work.

 

The Plan did not work. Parts of it did, but the majority did not.

Thing is…I have been on my own and independent for a very long time. I have lived on my own, had my own car, paid my own bills, lived my own life on my own terms for years now. I hate having to rely on other people for help.

I hate having to depend on other people for anything.

I hate that I cannot financially support myself.

I hate not being able to work.

I hate not having my own house.

I hate not having my own car.

I hate feeling like I am completely useless.

Currently, I have applied for basically all the jobs in Denver. All of them. Because I WANT to work. I like working! I know that is a weird thing to say, but I really do like working. I have not worked for 3 months now and I am beginning to get on my own nerves now. Doing yoga helps a lot with that as I can work out my frustrations and playing tourist just to get me out of the house and speak to people.

But it is not enough. Look, I love my friends and I appreciate it so much that they are supporting me in every way possible…but I don’t want to be a burden on them. I don’t want them to begin resenting me and thinking that I am not making a conscious effort to get a job and move out and start providing for myself again.

I don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want to disappoint me.

I have actually reached a point where I am terrified of opening my emails because of all the rejection emails from jobs that I have applied for. Jobs that, with my qualifications and my experience, I should be getting interviews for. Yet…I either hear nothing, or I immediately get an email saying that my application was rejected due to the high volume of applications received.

 

Being unemployed does not work for me. I feel utterly useless and pathetic. My brain needs to be stimulated! My brain needs to work! I NEED to work!

 

So in an attempt to approach this whole working thing from a different angle, I have decided to stop and wait for the career, not just a job.

UpDate…..

I’m now gainfully employed with a financial institution. I’m not starting at an entry-level and I have opportunities and room for advancement,  but I am hoping that this career will give me when is all said done and the freedom to grow my career and have my life up and running that will get some peace of mind and give me financial relief and will help me get my name out there for future opportunities.

 

As vain as this sounds, and if you know me you know that I am probably the least vain person out there, but… I am good at what I do. I am an excellent manager and my background in finance, has helped me with my career choice. I know how to speak to people and I truly care about what I’m doing is the right thing. My ethics for myself and my career and the company I work for is very important to me. I know how to work with people, especially in helping them get their lives, goals off the ground.

I did not come here to be a failure. I came here for a better life. I came here to start over…

Everyone keeps telling me that I must just be patient, that things will happen when they are meant to happen and that I must just relax… Well, you know what? I can’t relax. I can’t sit around and wait for this proverbial “it will happen when it is meant to happen” crap. I have put myself out there in every way possible. Hell, I even thought that Tinder would edge things along a little bit… BIG mistake. If anything, Tinder just made me even more despondent on finding a partner front.

I know that my friends and family will support me in anything that I do. I know that I will have a roof over my head for as long as I need it…and for that I am eternally thankful.

What I do want though…is a little bit of my independence back.

I left everything behind. I came here with practically nothing. I want to start building my life back up again…because quite frankly, from where I am sitting now, I am humiliated. I mean, I am the girl that kicked many manipulative, cheating assholes, I’m the woman that went through being assaulted by 3 unknown assailants,  got through being in the hospital on and off for 4 weeks, due to my injuries and basically had to learn to walk outside again, I’m the woman that has been dealt blow after blow and still I fight on.

I don’t compare or cry and make other people feel sorry for me, bad things happen to good people…Don’t let it use you as a crutch but take your pain and wear it as your light because you have walked through many days and nights in darkness.

All I need is that one break. That one crack that will let even just one beam of light through.

 

I did not give up everything to end up with nothing. Things may not be going according to The Plan…but then again when has anything in my life gone according to plan?

 

Time for those big girl panties and a good helping of: “Fake it till you make it!

This is how ……..

Stress. I have stress. I am stressed. Stress and I are tight right now. Like conjoined twins tight.

Going into detail about all the things that are stressing me at this moment will be a very long list…so let’s just say that there are a lot of factors contributing to the levels of stress in my life. Work, emotional, physical…just about everything. Choices that need to be made, steps that need to be taken, work that needs to be done…

So instead of listing the things that are stressing me, I am going to share with you the weird and wonderful ways in which stress…

1. Neck spasm. I get this wonderful burning feeling that runs all the way down the left side of my body that kind of escalates in my left trap. This gives me pins and needles in my left hand. Heart attack? Wouldn’t be surprised!
2. Severe Migraines. The simple process of breathing sends my skull with waves of crushing pain
3. Sleepwalking. Yes. This happens. The other night I fell asleep fully clothed in my bed and woke up without my PJ pants on my couch. All the lights on. No idea how I got there.
4. ADD. I cannot focus on anything. It’s like there are misfires everywhere in my brain. I go from: have to buy milk, milk comes from cows, toaster toasts, skulls, oh hey look shiny! So yes…logical train of thought: Zero
5. Water retention. I bloat like a puffer fish. I look like the Oros man. I look like the zombie in the second season of The Walking Dead that they found in the water well. My double chin rivals that of Honey Boo-Boo’s mothers!
6. Shake it, baby!  I think I get a temporary case of Parkinson’s. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t hold or lift a cup of coffee to my mouth and need to use a straw to drink anything, Hot or cold.
7. My stress spot. Eczema. There, I said it. I have this spot on the back of my head/neck that is my stress spot. And I will scratch that spot till it bleeds. Gross right?
8. When I do not sleepwalk…I am not sleeping. Insomnia. Insomnia like a BOSS. My brain will be so active I could probably write a trilogy of epic proportions…if my ADD didn’t keep me away from actually staying on one thought. So my trilogy would start with a rainbow pooping unicorn and end with a serial killer from Jamaica who’s calling card is a bag of weed and instructions to a hidden treasure.
9. Lastly, and by no means least (? Yes I know I just made up a word), procrastination. Why do you think I am writing this? I have a shit ton of work to do…and yet I am writing this and pinning like a mad woman on Pinterest.

High-functioning anxiety looks like…

Over-Achievement. Hyper-Activity. Perfectionism.

When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits. below the belt sarcasm. Fast pace walking. Running my fingers through my hair.

If you look close enough, you can see it in answered text messages. Flakiness. Nervous laughter. The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

High-functioning anxiety feels like…

A snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaws shut where my shoulders meet my neck. Punch-in-the-gut stomach aches, like my body, is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, You appear perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head. 

It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.

It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you and so many people have it tougher than you.

Get your act together.

Suck it up.

You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.

You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.

It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

Because how “OK” are you when a day without a plan is enough to make you crumble? When empty spaces make you spiral at the very anticipation of being alone with your thoughts? When you need to make a list to get through a Sunday: watch a show, clean your kitchen, exercise, answer five emails, read 10 pages, watch a show… ?

It’s feeling unqualified to write this piece because I’m getting by. It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you. It’s being good at conversation and bad at making close friends because you only show up when you feel “well” enough. Only text back when you feel ready. Because you’re afraid they’d hate you if they really knew you. That the energy would overwhelm them, and you’d lose them.

So you learn to reign it in. Channel it. Even though sometimes you do everything right (exercise, sleep, one TV show, five emails, 10 pages…) and you’re still left with racing thoughts, the panic. The not good enough’s.

When will it be enough?

Having anxiety means constantly managing motion that can be productive or self-destructive, depending on how much sleep you got. Depending on the day. Depending on the Earth’s alignment with Mars. Depending on…

It’s when “living with it” means learning how to sit with it. Practising staying in bed a little longer. Challenging the mean, unrelenting voices that say you’re only worth what you produced that day.

It means learning how to say, “I need help.” Trying to take care of yourself without the guilt. It means every once in a while, confiding in a friend. It means sometimes showing up even when you’re scared.

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

It’s fighting against your own need to constantly prove your right to exist in this world.

It’s learning how to validate your own feelings. That even though you don’t feel like you’re enough, and you’ll never be enough, it’s knowing you’re at least anxious enough to benefit from help. That admitting you need it doesn’t confirm voices’ lies. That taking a break doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety, in your weaknesses. It’s trying to let the energy inspire you, instead of bringing you down. It’s forgiving yourself when it wins.

It’s a way to live, with this constant companion. Your bullying twin. Collapsible luggage you can bury away at a moment’s notice. Shove it under the bed. Pretend it’s not there until you can’t fit anymore. Until you can no longer ignore it. Until you have to face it.

A first good step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?

Either way, it’s not a noble way to suffer. It’s not a “better” way to be anxious. Just because you’re “functioning” doesn’t always mean you’re happy. And just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean you shouldn’t slow down, breathe and take one damn second to be happy the way things are.

In this very moment.

This quiet, short moment.

To remember the peace you found in that second of silence until the electricity starts again, and you’re forced to move.

So this is how I stress…and currently, I have all the symptoms. At least I can still laugh! Even if that laugh is slightly manic and leaning toward the hysterical nature of The Joker (circa Health Ledger/ Jared Leto). But hey…that’s why they have wine! And the gym…yoga helps….

Now let me get my shit together and get some work done…oh look, a bird

Some life lessons…and random thoughts

This post was going to be one about honesty and lying and how we find it so difficult, to be honest. And it is still going to be…but I have come across so many other ideas that I feel I need to express and that has been sitting with me for a while now.
So, call this a life-lesson blog entry. Or a random brain fart entry. It is yet again one of those things that I need to write in order to get it out of my brain.

I need to do that every now and again when things get too crowded in there.

Firstly, I heard a comment on a show I was watching yesterday: “What’s so complicated about being honest?”

As simple as this question sounds, it is layered with doubt and insecurity and is actually quite complex.

People lie. It is what we do. We lie to save face, we lie to protect, we lie to hide…we lie on a daily basis.

I am not talking about massive, life-altering lies and if you have, then the lie must have protected a hurt or your damaged soul to have told such a lie and to the receivers ” Before you cast the first stone, look within your own closet for skeletons. I am talking about those little white lies that are so quick to form and so quick to be dispensed. One can almost understand and justify why we lie to others, but what gets me the most is that we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves on a daily basis. We tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are coping. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated the way that we are. We try and justify our actions through lies. Why? Why would you lie to yourself? It is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself! Because, in all honesty, you are hurting no one but yourself. And if you look at it that way… doesn’t that make you want to think twice about how you see yourself and your life?
I am guilty of this. I lie to myself all the time. I tell myself that I deserve to be treated like shit. I tell myself that I am not good enough to go after my hearts desires. I even tell myself that if I’m lied to, cheated on, it’s okay because I’ve lied before, it’s what I deserve…
There are so many things that I lie to myself about… because it is easier. It is easier to face a lie than what it is to deal with the truth. More often than not, the truth is harsh. It hurts and it is like a slap through the face. Stupidly enough, one of the things I have been passionately lying to myself about is that I am okay with being alone. That I am okay with being single and that I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Telling myself, I deserve the scraps of that, so-called relationships of my past have been thrown my way…What a load of bull!

I deserve the best kind of relationship. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and who is proud of me.

Proud to have me in their life.

I don’t want to be a little secret. An occasional time-filler. I deserve better than that.
That is also why I am now going to be very honest with the people in my life. I no longer have time for people who don’t make time for me.

I am tired of going out of my way for others when they don’t even give me the time of day.

People who make plans and promises and then cancel?

Sorry, you’re out!

People who only contact me when it is going bad with them? I am not your psychologist.
I have people in my life who are actually in my life. People who have stuck by me and who I have stuck by, through thick and thin.

They are few, but they are quality. The rest…well the rest I am no longer going to even make an effort with.

I was promised so much by “family/friends” only to have them cancel on me because something better came along… that’s not right. And that is a lie of love for your family and friendship.
Another thought that I wanted to write about is that of life and living and all that fun stuff. I don’t want to die knowing I did not live.

We get so caught up in work and relationships and commitments and stress that we forget to do the one thing we were created to do: Live. Even as I am writing this I know that I am guilty of this. There are moments in my life that I can say I have truly lived. But they are completely overshadowed by my absolute fear of life. I am so scared of taking that risk and doing what it is that I want to do, that I freeze and accept that this is as good as it gets. This can’t be as good as it gets. Because if it is then I demand a refund. Living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it by, constantly being broken down by people who are “superior”… They never experienced what you have been through or going through,  so you must have asked for it?!?

Is that life? Is that how it’s supposed to be?
I understand that we all need to make a living. I understand that not all of life can be an adventure and extreme and fun. But what I do know…is that this is not the be all and end all for me. I deserve more than this.
I have been dealt blow after blow after blow the past few months and I am really getting sick of it now. All I am asking for is one good thing to happen. One ray of sunshine that can light the way. I know I am a fighter and I know that I will get through whatever is thrown my way…but it would be nice if what is thrown my way is something positive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means wallowing in self-pity about the way things are. I mean, I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. It’s more of a…if I can just get a leg-up.

Just that little boost, then I can get out of this final layer that I have been stuck under.
I am ready for new challenges, new adventures, new opportunities. I know I have so much more to give. I know I have so much more life in me!

Fuckin’ hell! I have been through hell and back and I have come out on top and I am damn proud of that. I know I am strong.

I know I am a fighter and I know that I will conquer anything that comes my way.
But even a fighter needs the war to end sometime. My war has been going on for long enough. So…even if my last ray of sunshine is simply that it catches the last of …light…and that lies and pain of my past have stolen my identity, my self and caused havoc in my life.

Letting go. That will already be like a burst of sunshine.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Be honest. Not only with those around you, but with yourself as well.

It is scary as hell and you will probably be met with resistance and rejection and who knows what else.

But you will also be met with gratitude and respect and unexpected awesomeness (of this I am convinced).
Live. Even if all you do is take 5 minutes a day to do something that you absolutely love to do. Those 5 minutes of selfish enjoyment can go a long way.
De-clutter. Remove the people in your life who suck the life out of yours.

Stop making excuses for people.

Stop giving them second, third, fourth and fifth chances. They don’t respect you or your time.

So why should you bend over backwards to accommodate them when it is convenient for them?
Never stop pursuing the life you know you deserve. Never settle for mediocre, the good enough or safe… Don’t let fear rule your life.
Love. the people you love with all that you have.

And tell them that you love them.

As much as you can.

You never know when you won’t be able to anymore.
Appreciate the small things. A perfectly made cup of coffee.

A crested Carolina Wren singing outside your window.

Sunset after a hectic day at work. The feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn and pursuing your passion before the world starts to wake up. Dancing around to your favourite song without fear of looking like an idiot. No one looks stupid when they are doing something that they love.
Don’t be afraid of looking like an idiot! Try that new sport. Dance to your own beat. Sing as loud and horrible as you can.

Tell someone how you feel. Embrace your inner child. You will be surprised how many people are out there…just waiting for you to come out and play

Fear and Loathing

Not everything is meant to be, but everything is worth a try

What I learned in Chapter’s 2013/2014

Well friends, the new year is coming upon us very soon, in fact this is the first week of December and considering it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything thought-provoking, I think that now is a good time for me to share some of my reflections on these past two years– years that will soon be just another conglomerate of memories, a past-read chapters to reminisce upon, in each of our individual books of life.

I have gone through many changes these past years. In just two years I’ve worked my ass off during these past two years, gained myself, finally, moved to a new apartment and moved again, lost everything, fell in love and had my heart broken, left behind a crazy former life, entered a new career path, changed jobs far too many times, gained friends, lost friends, gained a best friend, got in and out of a relationship, met a ton of people that I thought would stay in my life but never did, have been estranged from family members and then reunited with them– finding both forgiveness and remorse in my heart to give; I’ve been as blue as the deepest depths of the ocean and as radiant with joy as the sunniest sky; I’ve felt lost and then I’ve felt found, only to feel lost once again, but then knowing that one day I will be found once more.

Through all that I’ve gone through these past two years like every year-I’ve learned a great deal.

Here are some of the reflections that I hope may be of some help to you:
Forgiveness is the pathway to peace. To forgive not only others but also yourself is the only way to find true rest in your heart.

People will hurt you, and the pain they inflict may or may not be intentional, but you must remember that all acts of malevolence or negligence are only born out of ignorance. People inflict harm because they lack wisdom and understanding, and for that reason, you should attempt to develop compassion for all human beings, especially those who cannot love, because these are the ones who are who enduring the greatest struggle with their own unruly mind and restless heart.

People will most certainly come and go in your life, and only a very select few will stay for a while, and an even lesser number will stay forever. For this reason, appreciate all those who walk into your life, because they are there for a reason, but don’t attempt to cling to their presence. If their presence is needed in your life, then the universe will make it so they stay, but if they are no longer needed and each of you has your own respective paths to follow (which branch in diverging directions) then let them go and wish them abundance on their journey through life.

~YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. This has been a huge theme in my own life that I’ve had to learn. Attempting to make everyone proud and pleased with your decisions is a lost cause. Everyone has their own opinion on how you and everyone else should be conducting their lives, and everyone’s opinion is different! It is tempting to try to make everyone around you believe that you are making all of the right decisions according to them, but you are forgetting a very important piece of the puzzle… you’re forgetting YOU! What makes you happy? What makes you feel the most alive? What do you want to get out of this existence before your inevitable death? These are the questions you should not only be asking but chasing. People may not, (and surely will not) always agree with your decisions in life, but almost everyone will respect a person who follows their own heart and their own path, and someone who is true to themselves despite all outside criticism.

~There are light and darkness in everything: in life, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. There will be great sorrow and destruction in the world, as there always has been; there will be thoughts and feelings within yourself that you will be ashamed of, dark impulses that you fear and try your best to repress and avoid. You cannot extract the darkness from life, nor from yourself. However, you must realize that amidst the darkness, there is a greater and even more powerful light– both within life, and within yourself. The light in life and the light in yourself is always more powerful than the darkness, and every day you can choose the light. You can choose to grow the light in yourself and then you can choose to spread this light into the world around you through your actions and your treatment of others so that you can do your part in dispelling the darkness of the world.

~Judgment causes pain: pain for others, and pain for yourself. Some judgment is natural, but when it causes you or others strife, you must step back to see if it is not yourself or others who are the problem, but rather your close-mindedness that is the problem. As it relates to my prior point, there will be dark and light impulses in both yourself and in others. However, the darkness in ourselves and others is never dispelled by greater darkness, which comes with judgment and harshness. Darkness is dispelled by the light that you can give with your own loving-kindness, understanding and compassion. Seek to love and understand yourself and seek to love and understand others, even if you feel neither yourself nor others deserve such a courtesy.

~Life is much greater than you, and to remember this may allow for an objective peace. We are all brief and momentary waves on a vast, endless ocean. For a brief moment in time, we arise, are formed as crests from the boundless, watery pool of life, and then, when it is our time, we again are dissolved back into the greater ocean, becoming one again with the body of life. We are all individuations of the same thing– the same ocean: we are all one. Honor that sameness that is of all things and beings, and seek to honor the greater power of the ocean, the power which is beyond our comprehension and which is a mystery who gives all things their brief hour to be individuations of itself

Love in Your Forties……

Forget Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook or any other unrealistic expectations you may have conjured up in your mind about love at this point in your life. It’s all useless crap.

As forty-something’s, we are all or should be wiser members of the new population of adult dating society and as much as we may like to think we have it all figured out, we quite often don’t. At this age, we are in a constant state of stationary state of hope/hopelessness, transformations as in being single again and growth on this new path with what you want and don’t want and despair as in “you are dating , again!”. Your love life is a depiction of those inner transitions, and that is entirely okay. In fact, that is the way it should be. So, with that said, here are some things you should realize about love in your forties…

First of all, let it be known that this is a time in your life to make decisions, right or wrong, which suit you—not everyone else. While you live, laugh, life and be the best you, you will realize that these will be some of the best years of your life. So do yourself a favor and don’t waste away your best stage of your life drowning your sorrows in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a bottle of vodka or a box of tissues. Put to rest the constant complaints surrounding your love life. If you spend all your time focusing on someone else, you will rob yourself of the opportunity to focus on yourself and do things that are entirely for you. Whether or not you’re in a relationship, dating or single; get out there, do everything you can, be a little selfish, and give yourself this chance to figure things out and establish who you are as an individual.

On that note, being single for a few months or for a few years does not mean you are destined to spend the rest of your life ‘forever alone’. I promise. Honestly, being single is awesome and until you get over the negative stigma associated with your single status and learn to love and embrace it, you probably aren’t ready for a relationship. Being single shouldn’t be about being lonely; it should be about doing anything and everything you want. Own your independence, take on every opportunity and do everything you could possibly want to do, without having to consider a significant other. This doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for a relationship or are ‘un-datable’; it means you are capable of standing on your own two feet and loving yourself, without needing someone else to do that for you. And that, quite frankly, is one of the most attractive traits anyone can posses.

This is also a time in your life in which, instead of focusing solely on finding one other person, you should focus on the relationships you have with all the people around you. I consider myself to be in not one, but many committed relationships. With who? My friends and family; the wonderful people who have embedded themselves as a constant in my life, regardless of the comings and goings of any other fleeting relationships or troubles. These people are all my soul mates, in their own way. Take this time to enjoy and nurture the potential for so many incredible relationships with the people you meet, and you will open yourself up to the best kinds of people.

Now, as I’m sure you all know, not all of the relationships which cross your path in this life will not all be of the positive kind. Unless you are extremely lucky and equipped with unnaturally good judgment, you will probably fall in love with a complete jerk and get your heart broken once, twice, or maybe even multiple times. It happens.
I honestly think that everyone needs to date someone that is totally wrong for them at some point in their life. It may suck getting your ass kicked romantically, but it will serve as a valuable lesson to never settle for less than you deserve. Because after getting dragged around in the mud for awhile, most of us will come to our senses and realize that those kind of relationships are not worth the emotional hardship they cause. Then when the right one comes along, we will never look back.

With that said, there are times you will be on the providing end of the jerk spectrum. We are all hypocrites and assholes at one time or another when it comes to love and relationships. We will preach our hearts out to everyone within earshot and then turn around and do exactly what we warned someone else not to do. Why? Because most of us have to learn the hard way to learn at all. And that’s okay. Most of the time, we haven’t even figured ourselves out enough to know what we want or need in someone else. So, embrace the uncertainty and embrace your mistakes. It is all an essential part of the process. Date every type of person, fall in and out of love, break-up, make-up, have a one night stand-all of it. Things won’t always work out, but that’s the point. Don’t beat yourself up about it; love in your forties will never be the end of the world and your mistakes will only help to steer you in the right direction in the long run.

Another point, which perhaps I’ve grown to understand more than ever this past year, is the importance of being brutally honest with both yourself and anyone you’re with, in terms of what you want and what you need. We spend so much time glamorizing the idea of love and relationships that sometimes we force ourselves into relationships or situations with people that might not be right for us, based on an idea of what we think we ’should’ want. But in reality, the ‘should’ does not matter. What matters is the character you and the other embody and the corresponding traits which align with you romantically, mentally and emotionally, in a way that will work both now and in the future.
Don’t waste your or their time in a relationship that is, ultimately, not right for either of you in the grand scheme of things.

Lastly- and perhaps the single most important point of all- do yourself a favor and let go of any specific romantic timelines you have set for yourself. This is not a facet of your life that you should not stress about with any unrealistic deadlines. If you’re single, in a long-term relationship, engaged or married or divorced, it doesn’t matter. Don’t panic about not being in the place you expected to be, romantically, or at any point in your forties. You are only human in your forties, in this stage of your life, so wherever you are at right now, embrace the hell out of it. You will end up in the right place in your life, at the right time, one way or another. Don’t force the process, just be happy, enjoy it and let it be.

Pursue Satisfaction!

What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?
What is that one thing that you long to do more than anything?
What does your heart yearn for?

Chances are…you aren’t doing it. Chances are you are too afraid to admit to it. Chances are…you are too scared of leaving the known and taking the leap into the unknown to pursue your passion.

I know thats what I am doing. I am hiding in my job, with the excuse that its a paycheck and it beats being homeless and hungry and I need to use my common sense because there are bills to pay, roof over my head, food in my stomach. That, and I am shit scared. I am terrified of actually taking that leap and doing what I love because I am so incredibly scared of failure that it is crippling me.

So what do I do? I tell myself that I’m not good at it anyways, so it will never work. I convince myself that I do not have what it takes to make such a massive life decision in search and pursuit of what I really want. It makes it easier then to wake up in the mornings and go to work. Every damn day. Working for the weekends. Working between my morning and evening jobs, yes, I have 2 jobs a 40 hour a week and 20-25 a week. Working towards someday maybe possibly earning enough money to actually survive and (fingers crossed) maybe have some savings. A new car would be great. Loving what I do would be even better.

What is it that I want to do? Everything! I want to finish the “book” I am writing and attempt to get it published. I want to tell my story and give inspiration to other women who have been victims of rape/ sexual assault publically and maybe counseling victims. I want to get my Counseling certificate in Psychology. I want to help heal women and teach them to not be afraid and reach their full potential. Heal Mind, body and soul!
I want to get into fitness modeling because, well, I just think its pretty damn badass and I know that I can do it.
I love the gym and body building is a perfect way for the broken to heal by molding herself and seeing the strength she already has.
I don’t want to sit behind a computer the whole day, wishing the hours past. I don’t want to work in a thankless dead-end career. I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive…

Fear is holding me back. Fear and my deep rooted teachings that you must not stand out. You must not go against the grain. You must be a good little girl and follow all the rules to a T. Does that sound like me to anyone? Not in any lifetime will that ever be me!

In order to conquer my fears, I have set out a plan of action. I am not going to go jump into the deep end all balls to the wall. I am going to gradually ease into it and work my way to the deep end.

Firstly: I am going to finish and post the past series of journals, blog entries and poem’s and short stories that I have written or I am still working on and do some more volunteering/workshops/meetings with women/teens who are victims of sexual assault/rape and/or homeless or forgotten by society and look for an organization/online platform to share/speak for or with them.
Secondly: I am going to send out my resume to various public/state organization’s and see what the feedback is like for above said job or position/volunteering.
Thirdly: I am going to speak up for myself, yell my story to the world, no more lying to others or myself about ME, what happened, the why, when, where, and mostly WHO.
I’m going to work my ass off! I do that already, but now I want to be fearless, passionate about it.

My life has reached a point where I am very unhappy when I am at work. I don’t look forward to waking up at 3:50am every morning because I know that I am getting up to go to a job I hate. I look forward to leaving work at 2:00pm if I’m not working the other job, sitting on the bus with the headphones on and the music up loud, blocking out the world, so that I can head to my little apt to spend my night with my daughter and my little dog, watching TV, blogging, and just laughing the night away.
I would love to have a job that gave me the opportunity help teach/heal someone and to see them progress and become more confident, stronger in their lives.
I want to pursue my love of archaeology, to be in some distant land unearthing the past, something that the eyes of the past only gazed upon many thousands’ of years ago, that would give me the second greatest joy next to having giving birth to my daughters.
Why would you not want to pursue something like that? Why would you take yourself away from what you love?

I know many may say that that is life. That you can’t have it all. Well…screw that! I want it all!
I deserve it all! I am not going to live the same day for 75 years and call that a life.
I refuse to get stuck. I refuse to settle and I refuse to not love what I do. You spend majority of your life working…so why hate it? Why be unsatisfied?

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you feel you need to escape. You shouldn’t ever have a life that you want to escape from.

And that is my life at this moment. I feel like I want to escape from it. Run away to some far away coast, become a bartender at a sketchy beach bar at night and then spend my days surfing and making fun of the 9-5’ers and writing. In a place where no one knows me, where no one can find me.
You shouldn’t want to run away from your life. From you.

That is my goal for the remainder of this year and to be completed by next year and this is my accountability post. By the end of next year, I must love what I do. Be it working, writing, coaching and not be doing what I am doing now. By next year end I must be in love with a career or something that provides me with financial stability. I must not want to run away from it, wish it away or dream about anything else. What I end up doing by the end of the following year must be the best thing to have ever happened to me career wise.

This is my day one. This is where I begin my challenge. This is where I start my search for a career that I am 100% head-over-heals in love with and finally be free of my fear of my own past.